This cutie sang his song all through the rain showers today. I could hear him from inside the house (the windows are open because it’s lovely out, despite the rain, and we want to smell that turkey cooking outside on Dayne’s smoker. The entire neighbourhood smells like my dinner and it’s such a kick to hear them walk by saying “Oh that smells sooooo good!” 🙂
I feel a little weird, smelling a delicious turkey cooking while enjoying another of it’s species singing away in the trees, but….life right?
I’m so glad I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. Another day will be spent around the house, relaxing and maybe a run out somewhere pretty for more photos. The camera is taking away the stress from work…..I become absolutely present in that moment before the shutter snaps; nothing matters but the beauty in front of me for a few seconds. It’s important to me and was badly needed. I spent one day in tears in my office last week but it was more a matter of one boss taking a swipe at the other one, where upon the weaker of the two sprinted to my office to take it out on me. She had me sobbing by the end. She’s the type who will say stupid things that she already knows the answer to so that you feel like you’ve done something wrong. She told me she had NO IDEA what was keeping me so busy at work since she was not giving me much in the way of additional tasks while spoiled/snotty number two was on vacation for a couple of weeks.
“You can’t honestly stand here and look me in the eye and pretend you have no idea how much work comes through this office?” I tried her a bit. Pushed back.
Her arguments were crap and were easily dispelled by the dozens of meetings we’ve had on the topic of my job (just the running of the two departments, without the ‘additional tasks on top’) being far, far more than what can be accomplished in a 40 hour work week. But, even though I stood my ground and allowed her to vent her frustrations all over my office, she eventually got to me and broke down, sobbing. In the end, which didn’t take long to come after I easily showed her exactly what work I had accomplished in the previous 10 days (more than seems possible, I assure you) and then she apologized, told me that was not the way she had intended to handle the situation and started backing out of my office.
“If it’s any consolation, she comes at me like that at least once a week.” I said, making damn sure she knew I knew what was going on.
“No, actually, that only makes me feel worse.” was her reply as she closed my door.
I collected myself and returned to my endless list of tasks after completely covering the little window in my door that people peek through to see my face. They could all see me from the floor to ceiling windows behind me, but it’s the door window that gets the most peek ins. I locked my door and plastered pink paper requesting privacy as I was very busy. She came by, knocked, then went to get her keys after I didn’t answer. She came in to apologize again, several times; now in tears herself. I barely looked at her aside to say “Okay, thank you.” and kept working.
I know the other boss is hell on wheels when she’s pissed about something, but the fact that boss number one can’t even stand up to her and had to come ruin my day over getting her ass whipped by the taskmaster just shows bad leadership, judgement and emotional intelligence. Mind you, my bawling episode wasn’t exactly professional but the shit she was accusing me of! It was ridiculous.
The worst part was what the entire thing was over: a meeting I didn’t book. A fucking meeting. No word about the hundreds of things I DID get done….just one meeting that didn’t get booked. The other boss ended up doing it (taking all of 60 seconds from her day) and was mad about it. Enough so to attack the other one who MUST be who is keeping me so busy. ??? We’ve been over this ground so many times. I wish I could retire. Only what? 15 years to go? *Sigh*
Anyway. Back to the present and the delicious smells of turkey, stuffing, gravy, baked potatoes, steamed brussle sprouts and roasted rosemary carrots. It’s a heck of a lot nicer in here than rolling those thoughts around my brain.
Here’s another few lovely photos from one of my recent photo excursions:
Ahhhh now that was a nice morning. You know when sometimes things just all come together and you end up feeling rather supported and whole again? This week has been wearing me down to the bones. Well, hah, month/year, really. Work is impossible and continues to get more impossible as the days go by. I’ve adopted a new stance after going’s on over the last week where one boss hammered me into building an entire website while the other left me pretty much alone, thinking she was helping me resolve the overflow of workload to let me catch up. I don’t like to play one against the other but by the end of it all I had an entire website created and populated with dozens of policies, procedures, guidelines, medical directives, staff resources, order sets, directories and pager listings galore. I had all the teams split and reporting payroll and vacation time weekly….there were some excel formulas so complicated I’m not sure I could even repeat them, but fuck it, there it is….you can now enter your shift and my spread sheet will auto-calculate your hours, unpaid breaks, flex time, benefit hours, patient workload, attendance ratio, treatment ratio, service and non-service time percentage and will even tell you the time frame you have left to take your accumulated stat holiday banked hours, paid and non-paid vacation, and accumulated flex time. There’s a nice rolling total too which will help when I have to pick through the finances at the end of each month.
It took overtime hours to get that up, for which I will not be paid as I have maxed out my flex time bank again. Whatever though, it was worth it to get her off my back about it…..or so I thought. The very day it went live (after she fucking deleted all my fucking files that were originally linked to redirects on the website effectively making half the shit up there not work) she sat down in my office to nitpick over the font I had chosen for the staff directory. Haha…soooo whatever. It was up, it was current and all documents were up to date, reformatted into better shape and it looked good too. After that, she wrote out her announcement to the staff about how we were finally able to launch (she actually wrote “finally” in her announcement…(sigh)) and then called me to ask me to do something specific when, after the mention of a meeting came up, she decided to take the opportunity to remind me of the other meetings she’d asked for that I hadn’t yet booked, like her meeting with a small set of staff over at the other campus that she has quarterly. ??? Seriously? There’s a secretary over there who knows the staff’s schedules and does NOTHING all day but, after taking up my entire weekend and week with her stupid, redundant website (all the info I put up there is already out there available to staff on our shared drive. It’s just that most of the staff don’t know how to click on the fucking S in the drive list to find what they need. Yes, I’m serious. I had to gather all that info to make it ‘easier’ for the staff to find) she wants to start picking at me about a staff meeting she’s been waiting a month for me to book???? I’ve SEEN her make her own meetings many times….why she’s just left this one floating so she can bother me about it is beyond comprehension.
So, the other boss, now realizing that my free time that she’s given me by taking on more work herself has been eaten up by the first boss, is now on me to get all of her stuff done. As I was struggling yesterday to get that done, plus stats audits and the rest of my too-goddamn-busy job, the first one comes in and asks me about what we will do over this period of time where the part time secretary role at the other campus is being covered. You see, part-time-do-nothing secretary has found herself a new job out of sheer boredom, I’m sure, and now there’s a vacancy. The boss decided to take my casual, who is the only reason I get payroll and stats audits done each month, and have her fill in there, making her totally unavailable to come help me. This will go on until May because the boss is taking two weeks’ vacation at the end of April and can’t interview people. (I’m tempted to apply. Seriously. If I can find another part time job and keep my benefits and pension I’m doing it.) So, not only will the girls here and I not get vacation this summer unless I am willing to cover them at registration (cries…no one covers me..), I can’t get any help while the casual sits across town doing nothing. THEN….oh then….the boss comes to me yesterday.
“Uh Grainne? Oh…hahaha…look at this. You’ve closed and locked your office door like we told you to and here I am walking right in anyway. Sorry. I’m sorry.”
(I had closed my door in the morning but the two of them just kept coming in so I locked it in the afternoon. They started bringing their keys after that.)
“So..Grainne. I’m sorry…I know you’re really busy but with *secretary* gone and *casual* covering, I have some access requests I need to get done before the next set of students start. Can you do those for me? Today? I did one but now I can’t find the form anymore.”
The online form. She can’t find the online form she found only moments before to do the first one and….okay. Whatever. I contemplated getting the casual access to the management side of the network but the hassle involved would take longer than doing the fucking thing myself, so, I did all the necessary paperwork to get the students cleared to work in the hospital.
“*Boss?” I tried to ask in a friendly tone. “Do you think it a good idea to get *casual* ordering access for the other site – just so she can take care of equipment and supplies without having to go through me while she’s covering?”
“Oh, well. We’re pretty lucky that she’s agreed to cover the hours. I don’t want to take advantage of her.”
My jaw literally dropped. WHAT? THE? FUCK?!! You don’t want to take advantage of HER? What the hell makes that your go-to when all you do is take advantage of me??? So you’ll put all that additional work on my over-full plate just so the casual doesn’t feel taken advantage of? Holy hannah…. I nearly hit her.
*Breathes iiiiiiiiiin Breathes ouuuuuuuuut*
It’s now Wednesday and I’ve not started payroll that closes Friday morning. I closed my door upon arrival and posted a sign that said: “If you’d like to get paid, please do not disturb” lolol. It works like a charm for the staff. The bosses….not so much. They’re both in meeting now though so I’m taking the moment to vent my frustrations.
Oh, the good part! Back to the beginning of this post 🙂 I had three staff members stop in to say hello to me this morning and all three came to see how I was doing and to ask how things were going. I don’t complain to many here….I’m not stupid enough to put my job in jeopardy….but these guys can see I’m struggling. Two came in because they were worried aggressive-boss was mad at them for something. One was near tears when she told me about how the boss had yelled at her because she titled a vacation request email “vacation request”. The boss wanted it to be called “Time off request” (only because that’s what she happened to search at the time when she got caught with her pants down and likely told the other managers that the staff member had made no such request and went to prove it by searching her email). There was an email war that waged for a few days, back and forth. I shared my story about how we recently had a 25 minute argument over the name of a file that’s been called the same thing for the last five years and the staff member felt better.
Talking to the three of them, two of whom made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my coffee several times (I adore these people) and one who had an even worse story about the boss than I have ever heard….she’s so unprofessional, aggressive-boss. She said the most outrageous things to her staff all the time. After they left I felt better…lighter. I’m human I guess; I like knowing I’m not alone in things and that the nasty behaviour isn’t only directed at me. Several insist on calling it ‘abuse’ and I can’t go there. I’ve know the angrier sort in my life and although my ways of coping with this are definitely linked to my past experiences, it’s really just a shitty work environment. The huge department filled with amazing people who all work under this shitty umbrella, like me, make it worth it enough to deal as long as I can. Both of them are nearing 60 anyway. They won’t be here forever and my career will well outlive theirs.
Now that I’ve had the ‘pleasure’ of working for two asshole doctors who screamed profanity at me on the phone, a director who eliminated my job because I was sick, two horrible bully secretaries who made me cry every day (when I first started here nearly 15 years ago) and now, two deranged, miserable women who get a kick out of being in charge, I can take just about anything. I even had a manager who once did nothing but stare directly at my chest every time he spoke to me. Every time. No wavering. I called attention to it and he started avoiding me in every way he could. Happily, I managed to get myself out of there before anything got worse.
Now. Onto to pay a hundred people so they don’t all turn on me when their mortgage payments come due.
You know how sometimes you bust your ass trying to get things done and you’re doing the best you can regardless of the frustrations and interruptions that are constantly getting in your way, and you still get shit on? My one boss is writing me passive aggressive email about a stupid order that was made last year and was for less than 150$. The damn thing wasn’t completed until the new fiscal year anyway and, when it finally DID get done, it was someone else who did it, not me. I think it was the gal who used to have this job…the one they think walks on water even though they know full well she worked for free every single day. Huh. I supposed that’s a part of why they liked her so much isn’t it? The thing that really riles me up is that it affects me SO much. It shouldn’t, I know. I shouldn’t let the slightest hint of disappointment bring the entire shaky structure that is my self-esteem come crashing down but I can’t seem to help it. Particularly when I’m in pain (which I am so very much at this moment) and I’m exhausted (also experiencing huge quantities of). I’m worried about Colt and stressed about the Christmas break where we have no babysitter (Uhhh what am I going to do with him? Shove him under my desk and ruin his entire Christmas break?!) and I keep getting job after job piled on top of me here….I’m drowning.
You know what? I’ve worked SO hard for that woman in the last month. I just finished a very in depth financial review of salaries for her so she would be able to sound like she knew that the hell is going on with her budget and she didn’t even say thank you. Just a snot-dripping email about an effing order that is an entire year old. “I’m rather disappointed with this…” is how she starts her email. GOD it makes me want to just give up and go home. I’ve been here, staring at my computer for the entire day…only left for one pee break and one trip up to the lobby for a cup of tea, I’ve done nothing but design her department website, revise her policy documents, audit her salary lines and predicted budgets, back track through supplies and equipment to ensure we’ve received everything we paid for, arranged interviews, entered compensation and audited statistics for her staff and she doesn’t even bother to start her email with “Hi Grainne,” ??? Nice. I can just see the look on her face right now…smirking away at my incompetence. And the other one is just as bad. She came by today, while I was quite obviously in the middle of auditing, and demands to know why I haven’t created a list of staff meeting dates for her staff yet. I’m not joking. Staff meeting dates …. on a printed LIST for their fucking WALL so they don’t have to open their email. Now, don’t get me wrong, if they want a secretary or a girl Friday to run around and type letters for them, I’d be more than happy to….particularly at my salary level….but for the love of god can you not just please ask your staff to just use their calendars? Please? It took me a long time to get them all network access and set them up so we could stop with the stupid paper lists. Things change and paper lists don’t sync up with the computer…and I am constantly in trouble because there is a list out there somewhere that contradicted a meeting that was set somewhere else and even though I have *nothing* to do with the damn list OR the meeting, I somehow end up being to blame anyway.
I’ve had it with today. I keep making the same decision to work harder, to get it done, to work it out. I’m coming up with ideas and plans to make this all work a little better around here and they are bitching about lists and ancient orders. It’s November and I’m up to my tits in paperwork that I’m trying not to drown in and here I am still, not giving up. Look at me….I’m the idiot who sits in the glass office and never, ever, ever leaves her desk. Ever. I don’t eat, I barely pee and I work work work work work until the absolute last moment I can before I have to leave to pick up Colt because Dayne can’t pick up most days. (Oh hell that just made me remember the babysitter issues again…..sigh).
Oh and in other news, I have a gyn appointment tomorrow. I’ve never met the guy but I’ll be dropping my panties and strapping into those cold metal leg braces that make you feel like your lady bits are spread wide for the entire office to see. I’m not so thrilled at the prospect of having a man, particularly one I’ve never met, poke around down there but I’m determined to get this IUD inserted and he was the only one who had openings for this kind of appointment. You’d think they would be snapping up these referrals….how long can it possibly take to insert one? 5 minutes? *(Please let it not take longer than five minutes…) Add the uncomfortable chit chat that’s a 15 minute appointment max and, because it’s a specialty service here the fee schedule is probably pretty generous.
Yeah. I’m kind of freaked out by this whole deal. It will be all over with by lunchtime tomorrow so…I’ll hang onto that. Of course, both bosses are here at this site tomorrow so they can glower at me in person through my window. Maybe I’ll get lucky and faint or something after the IUD and will get to go home early. (Siri? Remind me to practice fainting when I get home tonight….)
Rant complete. For now. Grrrrrrrr
Hey All. 🙂 Okay, this new job is going so well I can barely believe it myself. I know I’ve said it before (recently) but I really love it here. I fit in again, in a way that I haven’t felt for a very long time. Each morning I see everyone leaving rounds and as they pass my office they all stop to say hi or wave hello….everyone asks how things are going and they smile huge, bright smiles as they start their day. They CARE about people here. Seriously…. it’s like when I first started working here a decade ago. I LOVE it. Love. Love. Love. SO freaking happy it’s almost unreal and I keep wondering when the second shoe will drop.
Also happy news, the pressure is off Colt for the summer….no more school. Sadly, he’s been super stressed this last week and I’m not sure why. There’s a sadness in his eyes that I’ve never seen before and it breaks my heart. I suspect this will be the beginning of a hard time for him…poor guy. Things eventually sink in and I think he’s starting to really contemplate his life and the differences between himself and his peers. Then again, it might not bother him at all….might just be me overthinking again. Still, he is sad and it hurts to watch. That said….we had an awesome Canada Day. For the first time in his life he said he was willing to try the parade and fireworks!!! The autism causes a general overstimulation of senses so things like loud noises, crowds, bright lights, and excitement really stress him out… well, used to anyway 🙂 🙂 🙂 We went to the parade and stood a little bit back but when a float of his classmates went by representing the school sports team someone caught sight of him and yelled out:
“Hey!! It’s Colt! Hi Colt!!!” and they all joined in, waving and smiling. Colt thought he was a superstar and beamed ear to ear. (I freaking love those kids. They try so hard to make him feel included).
After a day of just hanging around and playing outside we went downtown (in our little town) and watched the fireworks. They put on a fantastic display and Colt….well, my little hero was so excited! He sat close to me throughout the show because they were very loud and colourful but he was so into it! He only covered his ears for the first few minutes and then, just like every other kid there, marveled at the explosions. There were a few anxiety behaviors going on but he had himself so in control I was beaming with pride; tears too…I’ve wanted to share something like this with him for a good ten years now. It hurt me to think he’d not have those memories of fireflies and staying up late to watch Canada Day celebrations and firework shows. It was, by far, the best experience of the summer. D and I couldn’t stop smiling.
My health is okay…the pain is worse here at my new campus for some reason…it’s a lower lying area…maybe more damp? I’ve tried to gently adjust my meds without falling into a coma-like sedation but I’ve been struggling a little. I had to be alert to learn my new role so the consequence was a lot of pain. It’s leveling off now, I think, and I’m not needing to be asleep by 5pm so, that’s a good thing if nothing else. The scary part is what happens to my body when I reduce any of the meds….I hate knowing what’s underneath all that medication. The pain is very bad and my stomach is a damn mess. I went two days without my stomach meds and I was throwing up everything before the second day was over. There is a lot of pain in my stomach, which I suppose is the ulcers, but also burning pain and intestinal cramping and upset, plus the scalding burn from my stomach all the way to my throat. *Sigh* I hate being dependent on drugs to be able to function. It’s like the muscle relaxer trial I did a month ago….the pain came crashing back in and I wasn’t able to tolerate it for longer than a few days. Scares me, that. What will happen if these meds stop working? (Not thinking about that one today – will take it as it comes).
All things considered, I have my mind well wrapped around life these days. I’m feeling more balanced, more capable…more level. It’s kind of annoying because I know that the change is because, in part, I’m surrounded by people who like me and think like me. I wish I could hold onto this confidence in the face of adversity. Will have to work on that one. 😉
Hope everyone has a great day! xo