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Funny how I was just talking about turkeys…

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I never quite got to that second story I wanted to tell.

On Friday morning I got up, grudgingly, and stumbled to the bathroom, already late.  I jumped into the shower and was showering away, scrubbing and washing as usual, when I happened to look through the glass of the shower door (it’s a stand up, full glass shower in that bathroom).  There was a weird reflection I couldn’t quite figure out because it looked as if there was water on the bathroom floor with ripples and drops raining down.  I looked up at the ceiling to make sure it wasn’t leaking and all looked well, so I dismissed it as an odd reflection off the glass and carried on with my shower.  I did glance at the floor suspiciously a few times before I was done but without my glasses I’m almost blind so it’s hard to tell when to believe the things my eyes are telling me in the best of conditions, never mind through a steamy, glass shower door where water is actually falling all around me.  I finished up my shower and turned off the water and, even before I swung the door open I knew.  The reflection was not actually a reflection at all….my entire bathroom was flooded with at least an inch of water.  I called for Dayne and heard him leap out of bed, assuming I’d hurt myself or needed help, and then heard “Splash! Splash! Splash!” as he came running down the hallway.  Apparently the water had reached the bedrooms.

Our hallway is wood and it’s old so the varnish has worn and there are cracks that allow water to seep in, which lifts the wood from the floor.  There was so much water it went from the bedrooms, all the way past both bathrooms and out into the living room.  Some got into the kitchen but there’s a big spacer/cap thingy there to make the transition from wood to laminate not so open.  Of course, the baseboard is big, thick pieces of wood and the house is old enough that there is a decent quarter inch gap between the floor and the baseboard in some places, particularly around the bathroom where the water has obviously flooded before.

In a panic, realizing the scope of what we were facing, Dayne whipped of all his clothes and threw them at the pond in the hallway.  He then reached for the closet where the linens are kept and started grabbing and tossing everything we had just washed onto the floor.  Towels, bedding, blankets….everything.  When all that wasn’t enough, he grabbed the dirty laundry basket and up-ended it, scattering Colton’s dirty socks and our gross, dirty clothes everywhere.  He was hollering for me to come help him so I dashed out of the shower only to find my own towel already in use, and, dripping wet myself, I went to one end of the hallway and Dayne took the other end and we pushed the surface water back towards the bathroom so we could get the wood floor dry and keep as much out of the cracks and baseboard as possible.

At some point, Colt woke up, took one step out of his room, looked at the two of us, butt-naked and trying to push a small lake of water across the hall with an assortment of dirty socks and clean, but sopping wet towels, and turned right back around into his room and closed the door quickly behind him.  I heard him say something like:

“I don’t even want to know….”

And we burst out laughing, breaking the urgency of the moment.  Dayne was very intensely into trying to get that water up. I suggested we use salt along the base to pull the water up (we did and it worked amazingly well) and then kind of stuffed paper towels along the baseboard and into the gaps at the bottom.  By this time I was late for work so I got dressed in whatever seemed to match and took off running only to catch Dayne, out of the corner of my eye, pouring something all over the kitchen floor.  It looked like salt….but it wasn’t salt.  Plus, I didn’t want to kill the cats with sodium scattered everywhere so I stopped to see what he was doing.  We had run out of salt, apparently, so he had switched to sugar.  SUGAR!

“What?  It’ll do the same thing the salt does won’t it?  He asked.

“NO!  No it won’t….it will turn into a sticky, syrupy mess and we will never get it up!”  I explained, not as calmly as I had intended.  Thankfully, he set the sugar down and started with the paper towel again.

When I got home, my kitchen floor felt like a movie theatre but the ominous *squish* sound that happened when you stepped on the first few tiles from the hallway had stopped.  The floors were a tiny bit lifted….you could just see the corners coming up, so we hope they’ll settle back down as they dry.  The salt worked wonders though.  I brushed it out when I got home and it came out in solid chunks, all water absorbed.  The baseboard seems fine and the walls are okay – bathroom floor has never been cleaner and there’s only a little damage to the hallway.   It could have turned out much worse.

I spent a few hours trying to unglue the sticky sugar from my floor this weekend, but then got out for an impulsive photo hunt….got some beauties.  There was a flock of wild turkeys attacking a hawk’s nest and the two hawks were fighting them off.  The ugly turkeys were easily three times their size and twice in number but the hawks won in the end.  I had my telephoto out so got some amazing shots of them in flight.  I had no idea turkeys could fly like that …. so high and riding the currents forever without flapping.  Maybe they were vultures…hard to say from the photos.  I’ve never seen a vulture around here but those turkeys must have pulled their entire neck inside their body because all you can see is an ugly red face peeking out a mass of brown feathers as they glide.  Still, stunningly beautiful in the air.  Such grace those clunky, ugly, carrion eating birds display when they get off the ground.

Some of the shots here for you to see:

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Death again

I have three posts I want to write all at once and I’m not sure which should go first.  I suppose I’ll default to chronological order, starting today.

Today….well, 230 am today (Thurs) Dayne’s phone went off.  We both woke up and I just about snatched his phone out of his hand….the poor guy has had enough this month.  Of course, he answered and it was his step mother.  Her mom had a bad fall in the bathroom and hit her head something awful.  Head wounds bleed SO much you’d never believe it if you’ve never seen it, so I was hoping it was a ‘worse than it looked’ situation.  Mind you, grandma is 98 years old and broke her hip less than two years ago after a similar fall.

Lisa – step mother, is obviously rather distraught.  She got the call and rushed to the hospital to find her mom in the bed directly next to the one George occupied while he died less than a month ago.  It was one room away…the same nurses were on staff….I don’t even like thinking about how painful that must have been.

Dayne, being the guy he is, was ready to pack up and go down there to help his “mom” through things if her mother happened to die from this accident, which she may well do considering her age and fragility.  To make things even worse, tomorrow would have been George and Lisa’s anniversary….his birthday was Feb 28th…(would have been)…there are just too many things she must be going through to be keeping it together.

I don’t want to belabor this point, but this woman was NOT good to Dayne growing up.  His childhood is full of memories of rejection, being disowned and unloved….I mean, the guy was five years old when she tossed a house key at him and told him he could come home from kindergarten and make his own damn lunch.  He remembered being alone.  A lot.  That and the times his dad took him to work with him when he drove a cab overnight for extra cash.  The MS meds he took kept him up late into the night so he decided to use the time to make more money.  That family is all about money, yet they never seem to have any handy.  But again, I’m not sure the past is really as relevant as I used to think it was.

I told Dayne, when he asked what he should do, that he should follow his heart.  Lisa has many brothers and sisters that will be able to stand guard and make the hard decisions fr their mom, should it come to that. I told him that if she was dying, that he was well entitled to go say his goodbyes (they’ve never been close, this side of the family and Dayne – if you’ve not realized that already.  They were all told he was a foster kid until he was in his 20’s).  I told him he could go be there for his step mom, as his dad would have really appreciated, but then again, she has two daughters who are doing nothing to help her and are only demanding her time, babysitting, money and sympathy.  They don’t seem to realize that Lisa was actually married to George and loved him somehow…it’s the way of that side of his family….they only see things from their own point of view.  If one is suffering, it’s the responsibility of everyone but them to make it better.  I imagine the girls will both show up eventually though….that’s the part of the family who has money.  Lots of it too.  The two would be there with their hands out, awaiting their cheque for visiting.  (Grandmother gives her kids 10K each Christmas and the grandkids get a few hundred dollars each.  Dayne, although very much a grandchild of theirs, got nothing.  Colt wasn’t even acknowledged as a part of their family when they found out he was disabled.  So….they can keep their money….is pretty much my opinion and thankfully, Dayne agrees.

I wanted to take a bit of the stress off of Dayne so I went WAY outside my comfort zone and texted Lisa….a woman I am not fond of in any way, to tell her I had heard about her mom and that I hoped she (Lisa) was holding up okay.  I said that I knew her daughters were struggling with the death of their dad, as I knew she was as well, and offered my phone number and ear should she ever need to talk to someone not directly involved in the mess that is their family.  I’ve known this woman for over 15 years, although I would never call her a friend, we do have some familiarity.  I was very heart-felt in my words used and felt true empathy for the woman and her answer was so curt it almost made me sorry I’d ever tried.

I wrote:

Hi Lisa, It’s Grainne.  Dayne told me about your mom and what happened last night.  I hope she’s okay (heart).  Head wounds bleed like crazy so I’m hoping it looked worse than it was.
I’m texting also because I know the girls are struggling (as we all are) after losing George.  If you need someone to text or if there’s anything I can do for you please let me know?   So much loss in such a short time must have your head spinning.  Dayne is worried about you…..I just wanted you to know I was here too.

Lisa’s answer:

Thank you for your concern.  Mom needs 2 stitches.  There was lots of blood.  Doctor will see her soon.

…..and that was that.  Geez eh?  “Thank you for your concern; your business is important to us.  Please stay on the line and our next customer service specialist will be will you as soon as possible……

So I tried.  She apparently doesn’t want to talk.   I told Dayne and he figured she was pissed at me for not texting her when George died.  I don’t know though…she’s not really been a hugely emotive person since I met her.  Well, except when she spent the entirety of Colt’s first birthday openly and desperately flirting with my foster-father in front of his wife and her husband.  She kept asking me if I found my sexually abusive father if I found his UK accent sexy.  ….  :/   Fuck.  Anyway.  That’s that.  I feel bad for her but I’m not chasing this woman around to help her, especially when she’s spent the last 40 years making Dayne’s life as miserable as she can.

All that said, I’ve got 20 bucks on Dayne not coming home tonight if his grandmother (who never talks to him because he hated George and, therefore, hated Dayne by proxy) isn’t discharged.  I really don’t want him to have to drive up to that same hospital, walk the same hallways and go to the same ICU, just one room over from the hardest moments of his life that are still so fresh….. but, he will do what he thinks is right.  That is one of the most remarkable things about this man….he always seems to know exactly what he should and should not do, based on his own internal compass, and he just digs in and does it.  He’s almost always right too.

Maybe I should be more like him but, truthfully, the thought of catering to people I kind of hate, makes me all skin-crawly and want to curl up into a ball, under blankets, under my bed for a month of sleep.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with this. I’m not sure I even want to though.  It makes me tired just thinking it over.

 

 

 

Life…Right?

It’s been a rather….(I’m stuck between ‘eye opening’ and ‘predictable’ as odd as that sounds) month.  I had lots of posts half-written, some angry, some sorrowful, some almost funny, but I knew better than to post them and make them (my) reality. Something in me kept telling me to just see it through.  A friend from work who I used to work closely with while supporting the execs, managed a department that was constantly relevant to the work I had to do.  She invited me to her office and gave me some very sound advice that rings through my head in times likes this.  We were discussing the god-complex, primadonna, three-year-old temper tantrum-like ways some of the people I worked around tried to get their agenda pushed to the top of the pile, and how all the people under them got coated, head to toe, in the shit that would invariably run downhill the valleys below.

At the very bottom of that valley, there was an old hunting shack made of re-purposed barn boards; sunlight and air flowed freely through the holes between the boards wherever the wood warped.  It was right on the very edge of the water and was the absolute last thing between the ‘kingdom’ and nothingness.  I lived in that fucking shack for five years and the shit had piled so high, I couldn’t even open the door.

So, in an impromptu meeting based solely on the worry my friend was experiencing as she watched me sink, she said to me:

“You know, in the many years I have worked in this role, I have learned one thing very well.  Whenever the smallest crisis strikes, everyone, and I do mean everyone, will start to run around, panicking and ringing all the alarm bells like it’s the end of the world. What I do, is just sit back, keep my name entirely out of the loop unless absolutely necessary and even then, I say as little as possible.  In a few days, maybe even a week, everyone will have collapsed with exhaustion, all the angst and blame tossing will be argued, defended and argued again to its conclusion, and then, once the actual issue has come to the surface again, I casually join in, provide the answers I have known all along and the issues is resolved within a day.”

She was telling me to not get caught up in the false and useless energy-depleting chaos of others.  It clicked with me on so many levels I could see the relevance in many places in my life and I did…and here I am, having cleverly waited to watch the panic and chaos swirl through all the living members of Dayne’s family on all sides, before making any judgements or conclusions and I did NOT set off my PTSD and I did NOT fall to anxiety, depression and isolation as I usually would.  (I’m pretty proud of myself for that.  I have bad, bad cycles and even after all these years of work on myself, I am prone to find myself in the middle of one before I realize it’s even happening.)

So here’s the dirt…it’s been sifted through, attacked from all angles; lies upon lies have been told, believed, cried over and busted then cried over some more (not my tears, incidentally).  Here’s the after story of what happened when George died.

If you read my last two posts you’ll likely hear the slight panic in my words from the thought of trying to assimilate myself into an active family life where a whole group of people stay in touch regularly and are there for each other when things go bad.  I was preparing myself for family dinners, exhausting weekend trips to visit family and having to put up with the constant obligation of being attached to someone else.  I found it nearly impossible to do with my own family….never mind Dayne’s crazy relatives but, as I said in my post, for him and for Colt, I will do whatever feels best for THEM.  I don’t want to be 80 and have Colt at my deathbed asking me why I never gave him the vast family he actually is a part of.  I don’t want Colt to feel like I kept that from him, if it’s something he could benefit from. Mind you, there’s a good reason I don’t have them in my life so why they would be essential to his, is a bit overwhelming to think about.  Anyway, off topic already are we? Back to the point.

After the initial lightning strike of fear that slammed through me at the very thought of somehow forcing myself to have all these people in my world, I let it all go and watched from the sidelines, trying to support Dayne as best I could without getting involved.  I still have texts written and unsent on my phone to Dayne’s two sisters and his step mother, offering my condolences and sadness over the loss of George.  I didn’t want to become another conduit for their….mess.

Bits of necessary info to help this make sense:  The first sister, Carolyn, is the older of the two. Susan is the younger and was ‘daddy’s little girl’ and could get George to do anything for her which caused endless competition between them throughout their lives.  They are less than two years apart in age and are the natural children of George and his wife.  George, is Dayne’s natural father and then there are hundreds of foster children who moved through that house over the years that Dayne grew up.  The girls came a bit later and that’s when the fostering pretty much stopped so they could focus on their own family.  

George died.  Dayne stayed with him from the time he was extubated and conscious again until he took his very last breath.  Lisa, his step mother, Carolyn and Susan came and went home to shower and sleep while Dayne stood guard, the entire time.  When they pulled all the artificial support from George and, on Dayne’s request, took all the pain away with constant end-of-life doses of morphine, it took George the entire day to die.  They all stood with him, waiting and waiting.  Eventually Lisa gave up and went home.  It was just George and his three kids around him when he left this world.  Dayne took care of his step mother, who returned to the hospital to be told that her husband was gone.  He drove her home and stayed with her until she fell asleep.  George’s dog sat at the front door, unwilling to move, waiting for George to come home and Dayne, heartbroken himself, even tried to comfort the dog before he left.

One day after George died – Carolyn, who has always been difficult to trust due to her tendency to lie about just about everything she says, was the first to start constantly calling Dayne.  She had their dad’s credit cards, bank cards, iPhone and other various account that held information she wanted access to.   She said she didn’t want their mother getting her hands on everything because she knew Lisa would take all the money and other stuff for herself.   Apparently, she also went to George’s workplace (where he worked part-time and was quite valued for his ability to repair just about any electronic or mechanical tool or device) and told them not to pack and ship George’s things to his house, but to allow her access to take his stuff on her own.  They did, not realizing she had a key to the shop, stolen from her dad’s key chain, and she cleaned out his office taking everything in sight.  All the tools, that would actually be useful to Dayne in his own work, were needed by Carolyn’s husband who apparently liked to ‘fix stuff’ or some such shit.

Susan, the second most talented pathological liar in the family, had gone into the family hone and took all of her dad’s jewelry and took all of his shirts and other personal items.  She wanted everything, but got caught in the house by her mom and was chased out.  Lisa, for all her odd and very un-maternal like behaviour, wanted Dayne to have some things from his dad.

Then we heard that Lisa had changed the locks on the house, locking the girls out because they had already gone in and raided the place.  There were accusations and arguments as the girls went on a mission to find Georges hidden post office box (LOL).  They went everywhere, trying to find something registered in his name and their efforts paid off, even though working against each other.  One of them found it….the other found the key. When they gave up and decided to work together, all they found was that it was a place George has his secret credit card statements sent and other secret transactions were made.  Lisa watched their finances like a hawk and he was forever getting credit on the sly.

This brings me to the point when they all found out that he had debt that Lisa didn’t know about.  Dayne knew…for a while George was having some of his bills sent to our address to hide them from Lisa.  There were also business taxes due on the internet provider business he had running through his server at home.  Dayne would have liked that machine but apparently it’s already gone.  No one will admit to taking it.

At this this point, Carolyn had all the expensive tools and access to most of his credit cards and iPhone.  Susan has all the jewelry, clothing, computer stuff and personal effects.  Lisa was discovering things she didn’t know about, and totally unlike herself, was taking it all in stride and was doing pretty well, getting everything in order and not being the bitch she always had been to Dayne.  Then we all found out that, although George and told everyone he had already (long ago) made arrangements for his cremation after death and that all of his credit was fully insured so there would be nothing for the family to worry about after he died, was another lie.  There was nothing in place.  Everything was falling to Lisa and the places she might have been able to access some info that would help her were hidden behind passwords that none of us knew.  Lisa paid for what she could (she now is on disability as she has a rapidly degrading lung disease and relied on George for pretty much everything) and now she is liquidating everything he owned to his ‘estate’ so the Government can take it’s taxes and the business can be bankrupted.  There will be less than nothing left….somehow Dayne knew this but the girls had no idea.  They still think there is money out there for them somewhere.

Current state:  Lisa is working through the loss of her husband and is starting to see the lack of humanity in her daughters.

Susan isn’t talking to Dayne because he ‘wasn’t there for her’ when she needed him in the middle of a night.  She was expecting Dayne to replace George in her life….the one who would take care of her no matter what and never turn her down for anything.  Ever.

Carolyn isn’t talking to Dayne because he was miffed when she spelled his name wrong in Georges Obit…AND didn’t bother mentioning his eight brothers and sisters living in Eastern Canada.  These are Dayne’s people, not theirs, so they never bothered.

The group out East has reached out to Dayne and he continues to catch up with them, even though the invites to come over for a vacation died down pretty fast.  I started a private FB page for the family that did not include the girls or the step mother’s family and Dayne said it has been deeply appreciated and healing for that entire family.  People are connecting and hundreds of memories and photos are being shared between people who loved George and Dayne before Lisa came along.

Carolyn got busted by George’s workplace who called Lisa to tell her that most of what was taken had not belonged to George at all, in fact, almost all of the tools were paid for by the company and given to George to work with but the understanding was that they belonged to the shop, not him.  She was forced to box it all back up and return the loot before they called the cops on her.  Same went for the credit cards and bank accounts.  Dayne called the bank George dealt with most to advise that he had died.  Amazingly, Lisa had beat him to it…she was already doing the right thing and getting everything in order.

Susan and Carolyn are now locked in a battle to prove which of them was more affected by the death of their father.  Carolyn insists she’s depressed and that a psychiatrist prescribed her ‘sleeping pills’ on her first visit, after diagnosing her with depression.

Huh.  That’s a new treatment style, right there isn’t it now?  ffs she KNOWS about my mental health and KNOWS I’ve been on antidepressants for years but still, she insists that a ‘narcotic level sleeping pill’ has been prescribed to treat her depression.  On visit number one.  No follow up.  :S  

Susan is the worst of the two. She can’t handle the death at all and went from talking about how she was going in for her eighth ‘reconstructive surgery’ because SIX YEARS AGO giving birth to her daughter ‘shredded her uterus, cervix and all reproductive organs. Nothing particularly unusual happened when her child was born, no one ever mentioned the previous surgeries but…okay then….maybe her body was just not made for baby making.  Anyway, she went from that to telling us all about how her husband had been diagnosed with either MS or ALS, that the diagnosis was definite and there was a spinal tap scheduled for the following Monday to determine which it was…..which never happened.  Then, she said he had lesions on his brain that were identified in a CT recently which put a hold on the lumbar puncture, and that he needed emergency brain surgery …. which never happened.  Now, he apparently has an issue causing him to constantly bleed from his ass.  No hemorrhoids or anything, but after several professed emerg visits, he was told emergency surgery would be scheduled to ‘staple’ something up there that was bleeding.  That was two weeks ago and as far as we know…nothing has happened.  Then there was the tale of how she’s adopted a crack baby from a friend because she’s unable to have more kids due to the damage of childbirth  …….

And there, I have to stop because I start to get angry.  Susan is demanding her mother pay for therapy for her….Lisa, is living on nearly nothing now, trying to get her dead husband’s estate in order.  She’s not doing well herself, but those two girls only call her to demand things from her.  She’s not in a giving mood.

Now, we are back to being outsiders.  Neither sister calls or wants to be in Colt’s life anymore.  Lisa is doing her thing and the relatives out east have settled down, having been given a place to share their memories. Everything falls back to normal, no family to embrace, no visits and family dinners scheduled or requested.  It’s back to no phone calls, no texts and just Dayne, Colt and I working our way though Dayne’s loss.

Nothing really changes in life, you know? People have intentions and think they’ve changed their mind, but really, they stay the same.  It’s reliving to me, not having to pretend I like these people for Dayne and Colt’s sake.  It’s also so sad…..but Dayne, despite being willing to try for these people, seems to have known all along it would be as it always was.  I waited out the chaos and here I find myself back at the beginning.  Life goes on and things are as they were, minus one person Dayne loved despite the bad memories.

Somehow, Dayne’s early departure from that family (he was out at 15, same as me, different but just as difficult a situation) saved him from becoming like them.  There’s much to be thankful for in that.  I do miss George, although I’d not spoken to him in years, but it makes Dayne’s life so much more guilt free now that he feels he’s done his part.  And what a job he did.  I feel lucky to have him and Colt now, in an entirely new and beautiful way…..and I didn’t think I could ever love them more.

Surprise Grainne.  There’s always more.

 

The things in my head while I sit and wait

Early Sunday morning, Dayne’s cell phone went off.  It was the sort of hour that one only receives bad news via phone calls, so, we knew something was up.  Dayne’s family is an odd bunch.  His family is essentially not his own and there were a lot of foster kids going through that place, well cared for or otherwise, it was what it was.

When he was born, both of his parents were under 20 and his mother had some serious mental health issues.  She basically gave birth to him and then, the moment she was able, she got dressed and split, leaving Dayne behind.  There were a few battles in the following year when his mother regretted her decision and tried to take him back from his very young father, but through some very …. questionable methods, Dayne ended up entirely in his father’s care.  After a few years, he met his current wife and they went on to have two children of their own and the foster kid train started.

I’m not shy about saying that the new wife was a crazy bitch and took full advantage of everything and everyone she could.  She resented Dayne the entire way through and despite her being the only mother figure he had in the world, he was not ever recognized as ‘her’ son.  He was not part of family functions with the rest of her family and Dayne has many years of memories of being alone.  When he was 5 he walked home for lunch from school on his own and would have to eat whatever portion of crap she left in the fridge for him.  I guess it was a different time, as I also recall walking home for lunch when I was just a few years older than he was, but it was to a stay at home mother who would have something ready for me to eat like canned zoodles and grilled cheese.  Big difference there.

He was dropped off at strangers homes (neighbours they knew, but certainly not friendly with) on Christmas eve while they took off to Florida.  The unsuspecting neighbours never knew what to do or say to this child who arrived on their doorstep.  Many of them tried to make things better for Dayne and managed a few gifts and made him feel welcome, but the next year, they would be sure not to answer the door when they saw the family coming.  There were so many things like this…just so many.

Dayne grew up feeling unwanted and unloved.  He adored his father and thought him to be the smartest man in the world.  It was a crushing blow when he discovered that hid dad was mainly full of crap and embellished stories and knowledge to hide the true feelings of inadequacy that lay just beneath the surface.  That’s not to say that Dayne was given any special treatment – his parents treated their own kids the same.  All of them were kicked out of the house long before they finished high school.  They had an odd, dismissive way of parenting.  Basically, the fact you were allowed to live there was gift enough and the rest was none of their business or responsibility.  The foster kids had it better because there was more regulation around them, but not much better, that’s for sure.

There were a lot of things that happened between the time I started dating him and met his family and now that have left the bunch of them estranged.  It’s just been in the past few years that Dayne has been talking to his father again, mostly on the phone, and has just started a few chats with one of his two step sisters.  I’ve struggled with this part a lot.  They hurt Dayne so deeply…..all of them did….and I hated to see him suffer.  They all turned him away when he needed them most and he forgave them; they lied to him repeatedly and he forgave them; his step mother treated his dad like her own personal slave and his father, so afraid of being alone, constantly chose her over everyone else. When Colt was born, the step mother didn’t ‘count’ him as a grandchild because Dayne was not her son.  His father, on our last visit over there when Colt was a toddler, got upset with Dayne when he didn’t agree with something he said and his response was to say:

“I wish I could go back in time and find your mother when she was pregnant with you so I could beat the shit out of her until you were aborted.”

That was it for me.  Dayne too.  He stopped talking to his family for a while.  This wasn’t an isolated incident though, it was just the way things were between them.  It horrified me even more than my own dealings with my foster family and, supporting Dayne, I bowed out of any relationship we had.

So life goes on….and suddenly Dayne is talking about taking Colt to see his grandfather. The idea terrified our son who has no idea who this man is because he was never willing to visit us.  The step mother wouldn’t come and wouldn’t allow his dad to visit without her so, we didn’t see him.  There was a single attempt to sneak out to meet up but it went bad and Dayne did not want to put Colt through the confusion of having people in and out of his life….he’s not one who would understand such blatant changes and the swing between being loving and kind to hating and angry over almost nothing.  We talked about it and decided we’d let Colt decide.  I said I’d go so we could play Minecraft on our phones together so he wasn’t too nervous about having to talk to this grandfather he never knew.  That’s where we were when phone rang in the middle of the night.

Dayne’s dad has MS.  He’s fought it like nothing I’ve ever seen before and, all things considered, did amazingly well in life.  He figured out how to live with it, no matter how bad it got.  There was a period of terrible seizures, black outs, blindness, inability to walk, move or balance…..he has lesions on his brain and some mass in his lung but he just kept going and going.  This flu that has been going around this part of the country that is causing such a problem was rampant in the office that Daynes dad worked at part-time.  He didn’t protect himself and caught it, then, almost immediately developed pneumonia, half filling his good lung.  He drove himself to the hospital on Saturday and was admitted.  The sedated and intubated him while draining his lungs but once extubated his heart started struggling.  I convinced Dayne to go to him yesterday afternoon, and he did….he’s been by his side ever since, staying the night to make sure his dad didn’t rip out his IV’s and oxygen, which he did every chance he got.  This morning, the two girls, the wife and Dayne assembled to decide on what to do.  His dad has a DNR so the choices weren’t exactly expansive.  At 11 this morning, they started pumping him full of pain killers to stop the agony he was in all night long, removed his IV’s and turned off the machines.  For the last five hours, they have stood by him as his heart and blood pressure goes wildly up and down and his breathing gets more laboured.  He finally fell asleep and is out of pain and now they wait…..just stand there and wait.

Dayne is devastated and I’m not there with him.  The guilt is overwhelming.  He’s been calling me in tears every few hours but would not let me come.  He doesn’t want Colt to see that – seeing him so torn to pieces will really confuse and terrify Colt, no matter what. All of Colt’s life, it has been just the three of us and although we are trying to expose him to as many real life situations as we can….prepare the kid somehow for what life is like out there….this is one thing that might be way too much for him to handle.  I’ve been trying to explain to him what’s happening, and why.  I start to cry and Colt immediately comes to comfort me.  It’s all backwards and confusing and I just want to be there for Dayne but I can’t.  So….I’ve sat here all night and all day, calling out of work, waiting for this man to die.

The hardest part is hearing Dayne say that it’s his own fault for not taking his dad up on rebuilding their relationship over this last year.   That said, he did spend the night talking with him, forgiving him and making their peace.  I’m so glad they had that chance, as most of us don’t.  The phone call no one wants to get is so often that it’s already too late.

Now I’m stuck thinking about my own family and the horrible way things went.  If the past is the past for Dayne and his dad, should it be the same for me and my family? My father won’t be able to hurt me anymore, not the way he did back then, and I already had the big talk about how we wanted to put the whole ‘dropping me off and driving away when I was 15 to fend for myself on the streets’.  We ended up able to still have somewhat of a relationship after that.  I need to figure out if my parents who raised me….sort of… should be forgiven and if I should take advantage of the time that is left or if it should all be left in the past.

This isn’t about me though…it’s about Dayne and his dad.  I asked every loved person I’ve ever lost to go be with Dayne and to help his dad let go….because he really needs to let go. I am sitting here, an hour away, protecting our son from this horrible part of life and I feel like I’ve just stepped out of the picture and all I can do is wait.  It was hard to watch Dayne suffer their neglect and lies and now it’s hard to watch him suffer the loss.  Where is that line between forgiveness and self protection?  Maybe the thing that scares me the most is the thought of no one being there with me when my day comes.   Who will stand at my bedside and hold my hand while I slip away?  Dayne?  Surely – and our son as well.  Maybe that’s enough.  Maybe the others don’t want me in their world anyway.

So I sit.  I field tearful phone calls and offer support, love and sympathy.  I want this horrible moment to be over for all of them and I wish I could do something to make it different.  But I can’t.  So I wait….and I hate every single moment of it.

Touchdown

I have always been terrified of storms.  I’m not sure why, exactly, as I’ve never been in any physical danger when a storm hit, but for as long as I can remember, I’ve been afraid of them.  Wind, in particular.

I remember back when I was very little, living with my foster family in a Toronto subdivision.  We were not exactly in prime tornado territory but we often get weather warnings in the summer because there are a lot of thunder storms that move through the region.  Where I am now is the place that gets the most lightning in Canada, in fact.  It has something to do with being surrounded by the Great Lakes, I think.  One of these ‘tornado watch’ warnings came through the television “emergency broadcast” with the horrifying bomb siren sounds screeching from the speakers to get everyone’s attention.  There was a severe thunder storm brewing and a cold front moving in and funnel clouds had been spotted in the area.  I was only little….maybe 3 or so, and I panicked.  I ran around the house slamming windows closed (I didn’t know it was best to keep them open – I just wanted to keep the storm out!) and locked all the doors.  I went so far as to lock the tiny little flip lock on the handle of the metal framed screen door at the front of the house.  Then, I went into my closet and hid, waiting for the scary event to pass.  I told my mother I was afraid but she just blew me off.  I was kind of terrified of everything at that point so I don’t think she was being cruel on purpose.  She just knew me well enough to know I’d be okay once it passed.  (I could have used a kind word and a hug, now that I think back on it.  I was just a little one and I remember tears rolling down my cheeks and my whole body trembling with fright.)

I went to hide and stayed there until I heard a loud pounding on the front door.

*OH MY GOD IT’S THE TORNADO!* I screamed in my head, too afraid to actually move or make a sound.

Of course, it wasn’t the storm…lol…it was my father who was stuck outside in the torrential rain, unable to get inside because I’d locked the screen door.  My mother thought it was hilarious but he wasn’t so amused.

I still hate storms.  I hate new articles about damage caused by storms, stupid shows about people who idiotically drive INTO storms for the sake of the thrill, and I hate videos of storm photos or damage.  Hurricanes have the same effect on me, however, it would have to be a damn huge one to reach as far inland as I am so I don’t worry about them quite so much.

This morning, Dayne woke me by text at 9 am.

**Hey did you hear that there was a tiny tornado (ground spout?  funnel?  I can’t recall what the news called it but it was an F-0 on the rating scale they use) behind X’s house yesterday?**

I was up and wide awake in seconds.  I looked it up on the news, checked out bystanders videos and then, reading there was very little damage done, relaxed a bit and kept investigating.  I read that there was a children’s wooden swing set that had been picked up and deposited into the neighbour’s yard and some damage to a bit of siding on one of the homes right next to the house where the family who babysits Colt live.  They are away on vacation (which is why I’m off as well) so I thought it a good idea to go check on the house, no knowing if neighbors had contacted them.  When we pulled up, it was obvious it was their swing set that had been tossed about as the bright yellow slide was jammed, at a very awkward angle, into the neighbors shed roof and the other bits of it were scattered into the fields behind the houses.  I took pictures and texted them to the family, just in case no one else did and they need to call insurance (they have solar panels on their roof and at least one was clearly smashed) and headed back home.  It wasn’t until I got here that I suddenly realized, with a gasp, that had they not been away, all of us parents would have been at work and the kids, including Colt, would have been there, alone, when the storm hit.  It wasn’t a long ordeal and the winds weren’t even that strong (80 mph but we get some pretty high winds here this time of year) but it would have been terrifying for them had it happened that way!  Thank heavens they were away and Colt wasn’t there.

The other thing that bothers me is that they were the only house affected. Another home had some siding stripped off but it was a chunk of the swing set that caused that to happen, so really, a tornado formed, touched down, destroyed my friend’s swing set and called it a day.

I guess, if it had to happen, this was the mildest, gentlest way it could have gone.  Regardless, I’m not leaving my house again today.  More thunder storms are coming and I’m much happier holed up in my house, nice and close to the basement crawl space.  I even have a plan to get the cats down there, if need be.  Mind you, they will never talk to me again if I throw them into a dark hole in the ground without warning. Still….the other option would be decidedly worse.

And that’s my exciting Friday!  Got my car fixed, got my phone fixed, got the kitchen, living room and bathroom clean, did my nails (twice), took Colt out for lunch and I’m done until tomorrow.  Planning on a peaceful evening with no tornado warnings!  (Work with me here, Mother Nature).

I can hardly believe my eyes

Well now, what’s this?  I woke up a few moments ago (at noon) as my sweet boy crept into my bedroom to silently steal my iPad (he’s been up for an hour or two, happily enjoying his time alone in the house by simultaneously playing all the electronic things at once.  He has his phone (not really a phone – it has no sim card and works only on WiFi for games and such), his dad’s iPad, the Wii game system, and his school iPad (unlocked for the summer, of course) all at the same time.  He LOVES doing this and will  hoard all the ‘screens’ he can when we aren’t looking, will take them to his room and, after putting on a movie he likes in his little TV/DVD player, will proceed to obliterate every outside noise (and even the ones in his head, I suspect) with an abundance of sound, lights, images and fast paced reaction required games.  Right now I can  hear his Shopkins game, Talking Tom, a movie I almost know by heart but can’t quite identify, Super Mario, and a YouTube video from one of those gaming channels I hate him watching.  They aren’t bad in content but they tend to holler F-bombs loudly at unexpected moments….there’s also a lot of screeching and screaming that tends to wear on the nerves when you have to listen to it for hours on end from the other room.  The swearing deal is now totally under control and Colt has the appropriate look of horror cross his face when he lets one slip in our company, plus we only had a single incident this entire summer at the babysitters so….all good on that front.  Because he’s wised up to the rules, I don’t keep him away from things on YouTube that are age appropriate containing foul language like I used to.  He is 12 after all and no longer a little one who seemed determined to corrupt his peers through his bad habits with language.  lol….poor kid.  He’s always been such a good boy but because he lacked the filters and instinct not to get into trouble he was monitored by everyone in his life everywhere he went.  There is still a woman who comes to school every day to make him eat his lunch for heaven’s sake.  This woman’s only job is to sit there and cajole the boy into eating his lunch, which is so lovingly packed by Dayne each and every morning.  He’s careful not to put anything in there that would turn Colt away from the entire thing, like the slightest suggestion of nuts, seeds or cereal ANYWHERE involved.  Even if something has a picture of a nut or seed on it he’s done.  Nope.  No thank you.  Done.  Once,  Dayne thought it would be okay to put in a yogurt that had a muesli packet on the side (removed, of course) but the container mentioned the grains (didn’t even show them, it was just in the description) and Colt didn’t even want to touch his lunch bag for weeks afterwards.  The lunch lady, a lovely woman who quite obviously adores our son, wrote a very terse note home scolding us for the error.

“You know, I had managed to get him eating almost half his lunch without complaint until the ‘muesli incident’.”  

lol…I love that woman.  She happens to live right across the road from the family who watches Colt for us (and has since he started school) and we’ve been chatting a bit this summer.  Might actually have her watch him in the mornings next school year and then let the kids take him in the afternoons.  If nothing else she’s a great back up.

See how he brings the best people into our world?   It’s Colt’s warm heart and beautiful soul that attracts them and makes them fall in love.  I’ve never known a heart so warm.  Here’s a lovely example from just a few days ago.

I worked late every night last week because I’m on VACATION FROM WORK FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!! (first time ever taking two weeks in a row and first time I’m away from my current job while the rest of them are still there – which will be a living nightmare when I return but for now I couldn’t care less!)  I was exhausted by Friday and almost in tears when I asked for, and was denied, a flex day so I could be paid to come in on the weekend to get everything set to go for my two weeks off.  I worked for free for a few hours and then, bleary eyed and just absolutely out of energy, I wearily made my way to my car, climbing the stairs to the main floor of the hospital.  Because of the nerve issues with my spine, I tend to develop a slight foot-drop when I’m very tired and, thanks to that and my ridiculously dangerous 5 inch wedges (that I am love with and will never stop wearing – well, until I break my neck I suppose) I managed to hook the top step with my stupid floppy foot that came out of nowhere and tumbled, ass over tea kettle, backwards down the stairs.   Firstly, with my neck and spine, it’s a bad idea to fall down stairs.  Second, and much more distressing to me, I had my phone out so I could tell Dayne  I was on my way home.  My phone….never mind my body….went flying out of my hand and I heard the most sickening crack as it landed.  Not even bothering to see if I was damaged myself, I slid across the floor on my arse to check on my precious phone.

$800 of shattered glass met my devastated eyes.

Eight.  Hundred.  Dollars.

I am pretty frugal by nature and detest spending that amount of money on anything, ever, however, this phone is a computer to me.  It is a music library with thousands of songs I love; a photo album with over 5000 of my cherished photos; is a photo editor that I use on all my photos, camera produced, digital and otherwise.  It is my connection to my friends and work colleagues; my access to my blog and my world here; my FaceBook and Instagram and every silly game I play that wastes the hours of my weekends.  It is my  YouTube that I watch every single night and never turn the tv on.  It’s all the things I love to do and entertain myself with…..I even sleep with it under my pillow so it can wake me in the morning with a gentle wake alarm that gets me up in between dream cycles.  In short, the only thing I love more than that stupid phone is my family.

I made it to my car before bursting into tears but then sat sobbing like a little girl who just lost her most cherished teddy-bear.  I called Dayne and, true to form, he first asked if I was okay and then expressed his frustration at the loss of eight hundred dollars worth of electronics.

“Why was it in your hand on the stairs?” He asked in not-so-gentle tones.

“I was trying, sob, to, sob, tell you I was on my way, sob-sniff-sniff-gulp, and I fell down the staaaaaaaaaaiiiiirs…” I wailed.

“Well.  You’re going to have to make do with your iPad until next year when we can upgrade your old phone.”  he said.

This made me cry even harder.  I started to rationalize the situation and began coming up with ways to patch it together until next year.  I mean, it worked fine….it was just a shattered glass screen (why the fuck do they make them out of glass anyway!!!???) and by the time I got home, I had a plan.  I was going to buy a screen protector and use it to told the broken glass together and…well….see if it worked.

As I walked into the house, still shaken and puffy eyed, Colt met me at the door.  He slipped outside onto the front steps before I got there.

“Look mom.  Dad is pretty mad about your phone.  He said that we have to get the car in for new brakes this week and we don’t have the money to buy you another damn phone.”  Here he eyed me to see if I was going to scold him for the curse.  I didn’t so he continued. “He told me that he is saving money to get you a really special present this year for your anniversary and he didn’t want to use that money on a phone (oh really now?!) so, because I don’t want you to be sad, I’ve decided you can have mine until yours is fixed.”

……..He decided I could what?  

I totally forgot about the present curiosity.  Dayne isn’t a big gift kind of guy….but that totally didn’t matter in that moment.

“Oh honey…” I started but a flood of tears stopped me.

Colt LOVES his phone as much as I love mine.  He got my old phone when I upgraded through my  plan a couple of years back and he has cherished every moment of it.  He doesn’t even take care of his own teeth as well as he cares for that phone.  When the WiFi goes down, he is devastated beyond consolation.

“Sweetheart,” I began, carefully choosing words so he would know what a lovely thing he had offered, “You are the most wonderful boy in the world and I appreciate your selfless offer.  Thank you for loving me so much you would give up your phone, even for a day, but I wouldn’t take it from you even if I never had another phone again.”

The relief on his face was obvious as he threw his arms around me.

“I’m so sad for you about your phone mom!” he cried into my shoulder, tears of empathy soaking into my shirt.

Perspective huh?  He hugged me so hard I struggled to breathe as I explained it was just a phone and that I was perfectly fine without one.  I told him it was my own fault for not being careful (had to take the change to throw a lesson in there) and I told him that I was really sad but that he had healed my heart with his love, hugs and generous offer to share his phone with me.

“Mom.  I know you would do anything for me and that you always love me, no matter what. (I tell him this all the time and it became a mantra when he was struggling in school, getting suspended every week and was drowning in guilt because he thought he was disappointing us).  I know that if I broke my phone, you would share yours with me, so I wanted to do the same for you.  I love you more than anything…..even more than my toys, my phone, my movies….even my most favourite ones.”

Seriously?  This kid…..I think all the badness I’ve known in life was my quota and his.  He doesn’t seem to have an ugly cell in his body.

“Now let’s go in and talk to Dad.” He said, tone turning all serious and mature. “I’ll make sure he isn’t mad okay?  If he gets mad, don’t cry or yell, just close your mouth and let me do the talking.  Okay?”  I giggled and said okay, I’d let him take care of me.  (this is the reverse speech I give him when he’s in trouble and we go to tell his dad.  Colt is mortified when his dad is upset with him and Dayne feels so guilty it turns into a huge emotional swell that I usually manage to mitigate before it starts).

We bravely walked in, hand in hand, and found Dayne in the kitchen on the phone.  He held out his hand to me and when I went to him he wrapped me into his free arm, pulling me close and kissed the top of my head.

“Are you sure you’re okay?  Did you hurt your neck?”  He whispered while someone on the line talked in his ear.

I nodded against him and then Colt joined in the hug.

“Okay.  Yep.  Oh that’s great!”  Dayne was saying to the person on the phone.  “So when will it arrive?  Oh wow….okay.  Am I ever glad we kept this insurance on the account!  Oh yes, certainly…..add it to the new phone as well.  Thank you so much, you’ve been a great help!”

Wait what?  What insurance?  I could barely keep myself from bouncing up and down interrupting his call.  WHAT INSURANCE???  WHEN WILL WHAT ARRIVE??? OMGOMGOMG……did we have insurance?!

 

Amazingly, even though we had cancelled it years ago, we apparently had paid enough into a phone policy that we had one full replacement to claim.  They sent me a brand new phone straight from Apple that arrived yesterday.  I broke my phone at 630 Friday night and the phone arrived at my door by 10 am on Monday.  All I have to do is swap the SIM (done) back it up to iTunes, restore my back up to my new phone and ship the old one back in 15 days.  How unlike my life is that?

I sat in a daze for a few days….not really believing it.  I figured it would be a refurb or some kind of scam but nope – here I have it in my hands, an exact replica of my old, white, iPhone 6, with all my 5000 photos and thousands of songs.  It’s like it never happened.  You want to know the best part though?

“Hey mom!” Colt cried when I got home from work yesterday, hopping from one foot to the next at the front door.  “You’ll NEVER guess what I have for you!”

“Hmmmm…is it a welcome hug and a kiss from my favourite boy?” I guessed.

“NOPE!” he paused “Well, yes, but there’s something else too!”  He gave me a hug and a kiss and then rushed on with his surprise.

He took my hand and led me inside the house where he had carefully set up my new phone and had it all charged up and ready to be activated.

“TA-DAAAAAAAAA!!  Look mom!  It’s a BRAND NEW PHONE and it’s just for you!  Now you don’t have to be sad you broke your old one!”

Dayne came round the corner to say hello with a smile on his face.  “He wanted to bring it to you at work but I convinced him to wait so you could play with it right away.”

Even without the phone……I’ve gotta admit, I’m one of the luckiest people I know.

And then to top it all off, it’s now one o’clock in the afternoon and I’m in my PJ’s eating a bowl of fresh blueberries with a smile as big as head.  I’m awake, alert, happy, relaxed,

 

This is going to be one hell of a great two weeks.  🙂

 

My life on a Saturday in March

Okay, maybe it’s just me.  Maybe there’s some logic here I’m just not seeing, regardless of my most diligent efforts to make this work.  Yesterday was a busy day at work, as always.  I worked with my head down, completing task, task, task, task; sending answer after answer that always seemed to generate more work but I didn’t even pause to breathe, just kept working at top speed for a solid six hours.  The meeting that had been rescheduled for one day after I fell apart from lack of time to do anything and the completely blind reaction from one of my bosses who was simply annoyed that I had not completed her work yet, was on at 2 and right on the dime, she showed up at my office door, notebook in hand.  We had our stupid, useless meeting on her needless project, but, and this is what boggles my mind every time, the 30 minute meeting that SHE scheduled and selected the time for, was not over for 2 hours.  She went from 2 until 4 when I am to go home.  ….  I don’t even know how to react to that.  How does that work now???  She’s FURIOUS with me for not being able to get things done, right?  We have endless discussion about my workload which, on all sides, is agreed to be far too great for a single person to do.  I don’t mean beyond my skill level either, I mean, I’m a freaking admin, not a brain surgeon….I went to school for software and I can work freaking magic with it, but the sheer amount of work is what is in question.  I cannot more clearly lay it out for them….I have spreadsheets !!  Big, long ones that are filled with detailed information on everything I have to do and exactly how much time it takes to do it…down to the minute!  I’m serious, I’ve broken it down to that level for them so they can stop wondering if its inefficiency or some weird process error I’m not realizing.  I’ve asked them to show me how to more efficiently enter 110 people’s payroll every two weeks, for example.  (FYI there is a full time role for that.  A 37.5 hour per week job here where all you do is time keep.  It’s called a staffing clerk and they only make $10/h less than I do and that is ALL they do.  The last job I had in staffing had 53 people to keep time for.)  So, obviously, they can’t tell me that I’m doing it wrong when I manage it, somehow, in three days over two weeks.  It goes on and on like that.  I type at over 130 wpm (average is 38-40).  I can type faster than people talk and am quite fine taking direct dictation.  I used to do that for physicians I worked for, right at my office door between patients. No lack of efficiency there either.  In fact, there is very little that I can’t do here better than anyone else could.  My bosses don’t understand their own budgets or accounts and I am forever schooling them in accruals and benefit hours.  They literally have nothing to complain about but the fact that I cannot do 70 hours’ worth of work in 37.5.  ….and then she takes up another hour and a half of my time.  Not to mention the hours spent watching her run a meeting earlier this week.

How does that work?!  How can she be all pissy with me and yet waste the fuck out of my day….and wait till you hear what it was about…this 90 minute episode.

I’m building them a website, this one department, and it’s looking really good too.  I have been forever picking at files on our network drive and having them reviewed by whatever group needs to review them to have it all up to date – processes, procedures, guidelines, medical directives….you name it.  Over the last year I’ve assembled enough to actually put content on my website. All of my files are neatly stored away in folders and sub-folders, all of which are linked directly to the webpage.  On Monday, when they first wanted to meet but ended up forcing me to take a day off after a large amount of overtime was accrued and not paid to me and someone at HR noticed, they went through my files, my boss and her second in command.  They decided I had some of the wrong versions there, which I may well have done, as some were pending and were acting as placeholders until the new versions were ready.  So what did they do?  The deleted them.  They fucking DELETED them.  The best part?  All of them were in duplicate, one word file, one adobe PDF (for the website).  Not only did they delete the adobe copy, breaking all my links and royally fucking things up on the website, but they trashed my word (original) copies too.  Now, the only way to recreate them is for me to TYPE THEM ALL AGAIN.  I didn’t have to fucking do that in the first place, you see, because they were all in existence, just not updated.  Now I have to go through, file by file, remove everything I’ve put up and replace it with the new files that I have to create.  Again.  A year of work, gone.

Had they though to mention this to me on ohhhh, Tuesday, say, I could have gone to IT and had the cache pulled or asked for access to the network back up to find my deleted files, but no.  The network dumps the back up every three days (we’re a huge hospital and use a lot of space on the servers) so, all gone.  I just closed my eyes and sat there….trying not to respond.

“I’m really sorry Grainne.” Said the boss in a small voice, her accomplice staring directly at the floor in front of her, unwilling to take part in the blame.

“Right.  Okay then, I guess I’ll start again.”

So we spent the next hour and a half picking through files, one by one and then it was time to go home.  I had put off the other boss (the mean, angry one) twice that day and she happened to walk by ten times in this two hours, glaring daggers into my office windows.  So, next week will be fun.

Now I’m here on Saturday and it’s 11:00.  I’m barely awake and I’m going to try to answer some of the 240 email waiting for me when no one  is here to answer back.  Monday is going to be a treat!

Fuuuuuck.

So yeah.  Taking a swing by the ol’ job posting board me thinks.   Damnit.  So much for emotional stability and all these great people who fill all the holes in my head and heart.

Oh, and then, just for a treat, Dayne had at me last night about the fact that this job is taking up all my energy and time.  Nothing left for him and Colt by the time I come home, you see.  Nothing at all.  He’s apparently feeling neglected and forgetting that every single bit I have left after clinging to the job that supports our family, pays all my medical needs and prescriptions, and is our only chance for retirement through my pension, I give to listening to him bitch about his job and how much he hates it.  Well, that and raising Colt and dealing with all of his needs and schooling and all the bullshit that comes with that piece.  I cram in cleaning the house and shopping for groceries somewhere between all that, usually while counseling Dayne and/or Colt on some issue, and then when my brain shuts my body off I don’t have a choice any more.  I go until I literally pass out on my feet.  I do nothing for me.  I don’t play video games, I don’t watch movies, I don’t write, listen to or play music,  I don’t go anywhere, ever, with anyone.  I don’t have any friends or any family aside from them so I don’t talk to or visit anyone.  I don’t email anyone, text anyone or do anything…I don’t have long, hot baths….I don’t do anything but work, clean, listen to them, love them, work and sleep.  Then he decided that it’s my job that’s making me so tired.

…..

I can’t even explain the reaction that one tore out of me.  It wasn’t pretty.

Then he went for depression.

“You’re all depressed again and it’s making you sleep!!”

Why, the fuck, do people keep wanting me to believe that?  M used to say that all the time too, completely dismissing all the physical issues I have.  He told me, before I knew my spine was deteriorating faster than should be happening to a 90 year old and that I have no discs left in my cervical spine up to my brain stem, that all my pain was depression related too, M did.  I’m actually not depressed at all right now…and trust me, I know when I am.  For Dayne to tell me I’m just not realizing it is ludicrous.  I’ve been at this for over a decade, getting beyond it all and working through it and, quite frankly, the meds and the therapy help.  I’m able to cope while I struggle….and now I have a decent handle on the PTSD (maybe I’m in full on denial, but I really don’t think so).  The sleeping shit started a year ago…not ten years ago when I fell into a black hole I couldn’t get out of and wanted to die.  I mean, I guess I could be unable to stay awake and literally fall asleep in the middle of the day because I’m depressed but you’d think one of the specialists I keep seeing might cotton on to that at some point no?  Plus, I know depression can cause withdrawal and make you very, very tired, but can it make you sleep for 40 hours straight and still feel tired all the time?   Even when you don’t feel depressed…at all?  Some kind of hidden, walking depression that has no symptoms other than making you fucking sleep all the time?????

(Okay I’m getting all riled up.  No need for that).

So yeah.  That turned into a mess and I fell asleep at some point during it and woke up this morning in bed not knowing how I got there.  Then, I came here.  Oh joyous day.

Dayne is now all contrite and worried that I hate him, which I most certainly do not.  All this has come about, I think, because he’s just been offered a pretty decent job but the drawback is that most of his work will be on weekends and night shifts, making our life all the more difficult.  I’ll lose the very valued ability to rest when I get home and will have to single parent Colt while Dayne is at work.  The up side is that he’ll be home days so can take Colt to the sitter and deal with the school (which always turns out not so wonderful but fuck it…what harm can be done now, in grade seven?  All the relationships I build are burned anyway and it was their choice, not ours). So, if Colt needs someone through the day I won’t have to drop my impossible work to deal with it.  He feels guilty, not being there to support me and my needs, I know.  It comes out of him as anger or accusation…I know him well.   I love him too and know he’s worried now, hoping I forgive him.

We almost never fight these days….fifteen years is a long enough time to sort out those kinds of differences.  We can get pissed at each other, be furious, in fact, but by dinner time we’re over it because there’s no use carrying that sort of thing around.  We talk when we’re mad and then let it go.  This will be over by today too.  He told me five times on my way out the door that I’m the most important thing in his life but he didn’t need to….they are, the two of them, the only thing I need.

…I could use a bit less sleep, more energy and a shit load less pain but fuck it, I’ll take what I can get at this point.  As long as I have my little family with me, life will be good, not just okay.

Jesus.  You think I need a friend?  LOL!  This blog is my friend now, so thanks guys.  You’re exactly what I needed.  xxx