I have three posts I want to write all at once and I’m not sure which should go first. I suppose I’ll default to chronological order, starting today.
Today….well, 230 am today (Thurs) Dayne’s phone went off. We both woke up and I just about snatched his phone out of his hand….the poor guy has had enough this month. Of course, he answered and it was his step mother. Her mom had a bad fall in the bathroom and hit her head something awful. Head wounds bleed SO much you’d never believe it if you’ve never seen it, so I was hoping it was a ‘worse than it looked’ situation. Mind you, grandma is 98 years old and broke her hip less than two years ago after a similar fall.
Lisa – step mother, is obviously rather distraught. She got the call and rushed to the hospital to find her mom in the bed directly next to the one George occupied while he died less than a month ago. It was one room away…the same nurses were on staff….I don’t even like thinking about how painful that must have been.
Dayne, being the guy he is, was ready to pack up and go down there to help his “mom” through things if her mother happened to die from this accident, which she may well do considering her age and fragility. To make things even worse, tomorrow would have been George and Lisa’s anniversary….his birthday was Feb 28th…(would have been)…there are just too many things she must be going through to be keeping it together.
I don’t want to belabor this point, but this woman was NOT good to Dayne growing up. His childhood is full of memories of rejection, being disowned and unloved….I mean, the guy was five years old when she tossed a house key at him and told him he could come home from kindergarten and make his own damn lunch. He remembered being alone. A lot. That and the times his dad took him to work with him when he drove a cab overnight for extra cash. The MS meds he took kept him up late into the night so he decided to use the time to make more money. That family is all about money, yet they never seem to have any handy. But again, I’m not sure the past is really as relevant as I used to think it was.
I told Dayne, when he asked what he should do, that he should follow his heart. Lisa has many brothers and sisters that will be able to stand guard and make the hard decisions fr their mom, should it come to that. I told him that if she was dying, that he was well entitled to go say his goodbyes (they’ve never been close, this side of the family and Dayne – if you’ve not realized that already. They were all told he was a foster kid until he was in his 20’s). I told him he could go be there for his step mom, as his dad would have really appreciated, but then again, she has two daughters who are doing nothing to help her and are only demanding her time, babysitting, money and sympathy. They don’t seem to realize that Lisa was actually married to George and loved him somehow…it’s the way of that side of his family….they only see things from their own point of view. If one is suffering, it’s the responsibility of everyone but them to make it better. I imagine the girls will both show up eventually though….that’s the part of the family who has money. Lots of it too. The two would be there with their hands out, awaiting their cheque for visiting. (Grandmother gives her kids 10K each Christmas and the grandkids get a few hundred dollars each. Dayne, although very much a grandchild of theirs, got nothing. Colt wasn’t even acknowledged as a part of their family when they found out he was disabled. So….they can keep their money….is pretty much my opinion and thankfully, Dayne agrees.
I wanted to take a bit of the stress off of Dayne so I went WAY outside my comfort zone and texted Lisa….a woman I am not fond of in any way, to tell her I had heard about her mom and that I hoped she (Lisa) was holding up okay. I said that I knew her daughters were struggling with the death of their dad, as I knew she was as well, and offered my phone number and ear should she ever need to talk to someone not directly involved in the mess that is their family. I’ve known this woman for over 15 years, although I would never call her a friend, we do have some familiarity. I was very heart-felt in my words used and felt true empathy for the woman and her answer was so curt it almost made me sorry I’d ever tried.
Hi Lisa, It’s Grainne. Dayne told me about your mom and what happened last night. I hope she’s okay (heart). Head wounds bleed like crazy so I’m hoping it looked worse than it was.
I’m texting also because I know the girls are struggling (as we all are) after losing George. If you need someone to text or if there’s anything I can do for you please let me know? So much loss in such a short time must have your head spinning. Dayne is worried about you…..I just wanted you to know I was here too.
Thank you for your concern. Mom needs 2 stitches. There was lots of blood. Doctor will see her soon.
…..and that was that. Geez eh? “Thank you for your concern; your business is important to us. Please stay on the line and our next customer service specialist will be will you as soon as possible……
So I tried. She apparently doesn’t want to talk. I told Dayne and he figured she was pissed at me for not texting her when George died. I don’t know though…she’s not really been a hugely emotive person since I met her. Well, except when she spent the entirety of Colt’s first birthday openly and desperately flirting with my foster-father in front of his wife and her husband. She kept asking me if I found my sexually abusive father if I found his UK accent sexy. …. Fuck. Anyway. That’s that. I feel bad for her but I’m not chasing this woman around to help her, especially when she’s spent the last 40 years making Dayne’s life as miserable as she can.
All that said, I’ve got 20 bucks on Dayne not coming home tonight if his grandmother (who never talks to him because he hated George and, therefore, hated Dayne by proxy) isn’t discharged. I really don’t want him to have to drive up to that same hospital, walk the same hallways and go to the same ICU, just one room over from the hardest moments of his life that are still so fresh….. but, he will do what he thinks is right. That is one of the most remarkable things about this man….he always seems to know exactly what he should and should not do, based on his own internal compass, and he just digs in and does it. He’s almost always right too.
Maybe I should be more like him but, truthfully, the thought of catering to people I kind of hate, makes me all skin-crawly and want to curl up into a ball, under blankets, under my bed for a month of sleep.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with this. I’m not sure I even want to though. It makes me tired just thinking it over.
Tags: after death, attachment disorder, attachment issues, death, death of family, dying, family rules, I don't get this shit., losing family, losing to death, people I don't understand, Support, supporting dying family members, supporting loved ones