Still here. Still dreaming. 

I’m a bit lost for words these days… obviously.  Health wise my docs and I have embarked upon a mission to find a balance between treatment for the arthritis turning my spine into a grinding, dried out mess, and treatment for the narcolepsy vs R.E.M. disorder. 

Anything that allows me to exist in a world with pain control that brings the constantly driving pain down to a moderately tolerable level (that’s really all I need. I can handle pain as long as I can move and breathe) is sedating in one way or another.  

Issue: Anything sedating kicks the narcolepsy into high gear and makes my fight to remain conscious less possible.   The meds that keep me awake tend to battle that for a few hours at a time.  

Issue: Anything stimulating, such as the meds I take twice a day to keep me awake and battle the ones that sedate the pain and inflammation….well those little fuckers provide a supercharge to whatever causes the R.E.M.issues.   

Anyway. Endless cycle later, I’m exhausted, forcing myself to sleep much less than I used to, constantly in pain, and back to the whole “let’s go into a sleep cycle while we’re awake (barely) at work and start dreaming while simultaneously working.”  Of course the work is not focused and I feel like I’m moving under water. I’ll stare at my screen trying to make sense of what the hell im doing while I’m kinda of lost elsewhere, experiencing somehow, a multiple story behind the scenes.  

This isn’t the point of this post though.  That’s just what I’m wading through.  

What is the point?  It’s a mess of dreams and turmoil, relationships and confusion.  I dream of people I love hating me, people I hate owning me, people I want tossing me aside and ones I am afraid of holding me hostage.  I’m dreaming of my foster family in endless, continuous dreams that find a way to continue nightly and get progressively more distressing.  I’ve dreamed my own death in constant loops and wake wishing it was reality, just so I can stop fucking dying when I close my eyes.  

I’m tired and confused.  Someone keeps calling my work with a blocked number, and then my cell with the same. There aren’t many people who have my cell.  Is it you Drew?  Maybe Mike is wondering if I’m alive or dead, although I doubt he would care.  

I don’t know what’s going on. And yet I do.  

More later. This is turning into another draft each letter I type. 

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

10 responses to “Still here. Still dreaming. ”

  1. Drew says :

    Not me, wouldn’t ever block :/

  2. Oscar Dandelion says :

    Sending you healing thoughts. Love and hugs. 🐻 💜 💐

  3. 81bowman says :

    (((HUGS))) gentle warm ones.

  4. thealgonquinbusboy says :

    It isn’t me either. just a thought, but if you asked for money on this thing, people might actually send it. you always complained that one problem you had with collecting damaged people, not that Drew isn’t necessarily more of a like-meets-like sort of thing, was that, in the end, there wasn’t enough in it for you because they didn’t return the . . . well, nurturance isn’t the appropriate word, obviously . . . but attentiveness. I know you wouldn’t attract the same readership if you re-entitled your blog, “Long-winded complaints about my health and request for money” nor do you the sense of humor to do so. I only bring it up because I’m embittered that I need a hit of speed to rouse me from the torpor reading an entry and a half has dragged me into. Really, folks, there’s much, much more too her than this. Most of it positive. I absolutely cannot guess why she hides the upside of knowing her behind this.

    To my mind, her principle flaw, and she would likely confess this is true, is that she doesn’t believe in ever being more providing than another person absolutely requires. It’s almost as though she simply doesn’t see any reason to. But, to her credit, she meets this minimal standard with astonishing consistency. Of course, the level is set strictly by how much she wants from you and not how much you want from her. if it weren’t for that and her need to assign blame for absolutely everything that goes wrong, though often she does wind up the target of her own blame, she’d be able to form real-world relationships and even mate at her actual potential, or near it.

    If you moderate comments, let this through, cupcake. It might strike you as too even-handed to be complimentary, and I suppose it might come across as out and out nasty in this . . . I don’t want to use the term that comes to mind. I think I deserve to voice something after some of the things you’ve written about me though, especially since it clearly isn’t in my defense.

    Oh, one other thing. You never gave me an opinion on that story I sent you. Just giving you and Drew something to talk about. I doubt he’s curious, but I know you could deliver an entertaining account of the circumstances that surround it. Please request an updated copy if you’re gong to send it to him. The editing is coming along quite well.

    Mike

    • Grainne says :

      I didn’t comment on the story you sent me or the last recording because every part of it was about a hole you wanted filled (literally and figuratively). I couldn’t get around feeling like a sex toy to you and the story pretty much made every sexual assault I’ve even experienced flash before my eyes.

      I’ll maybe clarify another time. Thanks again (ish) for the comment. At least I know it wasn’t you calling.

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