Well, despite my usual fears and hesitations, I decided to adopt a policy of continuous communication with my two bosses over the last week or so, just to be absolutely sure they were understanding how much I was struggling with the impossible workload. They didn’t say much aside from acknowledging my communication but they did try not to ask me for anything new beyond the things they were already waiting for. They didn’t have much of a chance to be rude or dismissive because they were mostly at the other side (or were busy) so that was also helpful. Then, on Tues night, just as I was asking Dayne if he’d pick Colt up so I could work late again, I got a text from one of the casuals who sometimes come in to help me out. She had been asked by boss number one to help me catch up a bit. Shortly after that happened my phone rang and the other causal told me the same thing, only it was the second boss who asked her. Apparently, even though they were across the hall from each other, the two bosses failed to communicate their plans and, because my casual colleagues are freaking amazing human beings, decided not to let the bosses know of their duplication and BOTH of them showed up on Wednesday morning to help me. LOL! They are both very skilled and hard-working so I was able to toss tasks at them with little explanation and they worked at a near frantic pace. Between the three of us, all doing my job, we managed to get a ton of work done. Payroll was completed and audited before lunch time (it would have taken me the entire day to do it alone) and then one of them audited the entire month worth of statistics while the other reconciled my accounts. I worked the whole day through without stopping once (I made them take lunch though, my amazing rescuers) and by the end of the day I had taken a five page to-do list down to two pages and was able to walk out of there on time, stress very much lessened. I took today off, just because, and it’s now 215 in the afternoon and I have done absolutely nothing today. 🙂 It’s been wonderful.
Aside from the crazy workload, work has been pretty good lately. I’m not sure exactly what started it all, but something has cued everyone (aside from my bosses) to start making sure I know how much they appreciate me. They are a great group, both departments are, and I get along with everyone just fine. They are always respectful and appreciative….so it’s not like they constantly take advantage and never say thank you, but most people don’t go out of their way to thank you for the little things. These last weeks, exactly that has been happening…staff are purposely changing their usual routes through the hospital so that they pass by my office and stop for a moment to tell me how much the appreciate my hard work, attention to detail, for taking such good care of them, for being so dedicated and, sometimes, just to offer me support and understanding. I suspect some of them have been talking after witnessing an exchange between the bosses and I. I am *very* careful about the info I share with the staff and I don’t complain at work, particularly about the bosses or issues involving staff …..gossip runs rampant through workplaces and with over 200 people spread across two hospitals it’s nearly impossible to stop information that has been shared. My coworkers are very careful about patient confidentiality, but when one of their own is being treated badly or being taken advantage of, they tend to want to protect. The bosses have a terrible track record with many of the staff, most of whom have been working under then for many more years than I have. The need to advocate is strong in these two groups but when it’s for someone they care about the desire seems to double. I adore them for it…..it keeps my sense of self-respect and self-protection in sharper focus.
I tend to internally cling to this stuff….allow other people’s opinions and words shape a part of myself that should have no effect whatsoever on my own confidence or sense of self-worth, so it’s something that usually repels me, being thanked and appreciated and emotionally supported. It’s always been a part of me…wanting that approval; yet I hate that need and I dislike the part of me that seeks it out. My therapist believed that it began when my parents died when I was just a little one and was reinforced from there. Being taken in by a family who used things like love and support as bargaining chips to make me do and be what and who they wanted. When I did not live up to their demands or expectations, regardless of how counter-intuitive they were for me, the love and support was withdrawn. Of all the ways my father hurt me, the one I remember most vividly was him refusing to tell me he loved me because he was angry with me. I clearly recall being very young and accidentally pulling his hair when he gave me a hug. He hated when people touched his hair or beard and despite the infraction being entirely accidental, he was furious. I apologized immediately, tears filling my eyes before he even spoke because I already knew…..at four or five years old, I already knew. I would tell him I was sorry and I loved him and he would flash a menacing glare in that sulky way of his, and would pointedly ignore me. I would then spend days begging for forgiveness, telling him I loved him and that he was the best daddy in the world a thousand times a day until he finally gave up and told me he loved me again. It was utterly exhausting. Of course, almost every man I ever dated when I got older had similar traits to that….I sought it out against my own will. My ex husband Harry and then, later on, M were the worst two offenders when it came to using their love and affection as a reward when they were getting what they wanted out of me, and a motivator to keep me in line by withdrawing their love when things weren’t going their way. Dayne is just about the only one I’ve ever loved who has not every punished me in that way. I guess that’s got a lot to do with our ability to get along as well as we do; we can be anything, together, and even when our thoughts, actions or behaviours are entirely at odds, our friendship, love and partnership never becomes a bargaining tool.
It reminds me of just how lucky I am in this life and how very little approval from the outside world actually means. (Not that I want my colleagues to stop surrounding me with gratitude and friendship….that kinda always makes my day!)
Ahhhh. Happy day off. 🙂 I’m going to finally go grab a shower and wander over to the sitter to get Colt. All three of us are taking tomorrow off and we’re going to go visit my friend Tiffany. It’s time for our annual ink and I’m really excited to get a new piece. It won’t be a huge one this time but I’ve left it mostly up to Tiff to design. She has never, once, designed something for me that I didn’t immediately slap onto my body. Should be a fun day shared with my boys. 🙂
Tags: appreciating unconditional love, attachment disorder, attachment issues, being different, belonging, family, finding a way to make it all happen, great colleagues, relationships, supportive friends and coworkers, unconditional love