The Day of….

Today is the day and I’m so nervous I barely slept last night.  I’m so tired…. I dreamed of very stressful things all night and kept waking, heart pounding in my chest, ready to run. 

Dayne is going to come with me, hopefully.  I’m not counting on it though because he often says he’ll be able to attend one of these appointments and is then called out on an emergency and doesn’t make it.  I try to assume he won’t be there so when he does show up it’s a good surprise. 

I can feel every blood vessel in my body right now.  Pounding….I don’t usually get like this but something about this appointment is setting me off.  I think it is the connection to the last time I had one of these studies as a child.  They take video along with all the other info while you sleep and I had a series of very graphic and clearly articulated sexual dreams in the test.  Articulate in a way that a little girl should not be able to express.  The doctors were concerned, of course, and connected with Children’s Aid (I was a foster kid and had social workers follow me all through my childhood anyway).  I was asked about my home life and I denied everything vehemently and repeatedly, until they made me actually watch portions of the video with my parents and social workers in the room.  It was humiliating beyond words….I would have rather watched a full-on, raunchy porno movie with my entire family then have to sit through those few minutes of me doing things I had no memory of doing.  I hated the feeling of being so unable to control my body, words, actions….it was paralyzing.  Of course, my father was in a mad rush to get out of there and they both started telling the case workers about how a young foster sibling had tried to force me to have sex with him several times during visits when I was very young and how it must have scarred me.  Another family friend had a young teenaged son who lured me to the bathroom when I was 5 or 6 and promised me chocolate bars and candy if I would put his junk in my mouth and hold it there for 30 seconds.  They said these things were what had caused the sexual dreams and acting out.   It took me years to realize that they never took me back to that specialist and stopped investigating my sleep issues entirely after that day because they didn’t want have to keep explaining that behaviour.  I would not tell….would not get my father or mother in trouble if I had a choice, but my body wasn’t mine while I slept and having that sort of thing on camera was not a safe thing for my foster family.  My mother was pregnant with her first natural child at the time and I can just imagine her fear. 

So yeah, maybe that is the connection that’s making me feel like I’m going to faint every time I think of my appointment this afternoon.  I’m hopeful that I’ll get some kind of result that will help me treat this thing that follows me around, making me need to sleep endlessly, but I’m not banking on anything.  Medical appointments rarely turn out the way I think they will, for some reason.  Still….fingers crossed there is some sort of path to follow to beat this, or at least cope better without having to take Dexedrine every day just to make it through work. 

Whew.  That was stressful.  Back to work……how disorienting. 



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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

5 responses to “The Day of….”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Oh Grainne it all is so ‘normal’given those awful childhood experiences to feel the way you do today. Remember that and be respectful of your reactions– maybe it will help calm them a little. Amazing how we still hold ourselves to blame when we were blameless. Breathe deep and I hope you get some useful info.

  2. Birdie says :

    I wish I could take the little girl you and wrap her in my arms and keep her safe. I am so sorry that you had to go through any of that. It truly breaks my heart.

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