Going Solo

Well I knew that would happen.  Dayne just called.  He’s got two emergency call outs both two hours away from here (in opposite directions) and he’s going to miss my appointment.  I tried to let him know I wasn’t mad and he kept apologizing and telling me he didn’t want to ‘waste’ an entire vacation day on this, which is why he didn’t book it off, he was hoping things would just work out.  Of course, they didn’t.  He said he’s going to rush through the work and try to get there but I said not to bother.  I don’t need someone sitting there with me…..I need someone to sit with me while I wait so I don’t freak out….him rushing in at the last moment won’t help.  Years ago I had an MRI and I was nervous….I cope with medical testing well on the whole but that stupid machine makes me feel like I’m in a coffin getting buried alive.  We have the open air MR’s here but they use them for emergencies and children …. trust me, I tried lol.  Anyway, he was late and I was frantic by the time he arrived for that one which set him off immediately.  He started getting nasty with people and in the few minutes we had to wait, he wound me up so tight I could barely breathe.  I’ll do fine with this on my own.  The only thing I’m worried about is that they’ll find nothing and I’ll get that blank stare from the physician….that I’ll go home and no one will be willing to help me with this anymore.  My GP will stop giving me stimulants because, if there’s nothing to treat, why treat it? and I’ll start to lose everything in my life to this horrid exhaustion.  It puts such a tax on my relationships….I have very few of them because I can’t manage much….I have no time for myself at all and the very few hours I do have between work split between three people isn’t much.  I can’t even entertain more than that.  I’m too fucking tired and I’m sick of making excuses.   One of the three people I choose to spend my precious limited energy on doesn’t even believe me, that I sleep as much as I say I do.  He thinks I’m exaggerating and use it as an excuse to not have to do things with him.  Dayne feels neglected as does Colt and the guilt is enough to suffocate me on its own…..and this is with Dexedrine in my system every day. 

I need to stop worrying.  I don’t even know what the results are yet.  3 hours to go.  It seems surreal….I’ve been waiting one year and five months for these tests and their results and today I kind of wish they weren’t waiting for me across town.  It sounds pathetic, I know, but I really didn’t want to do this one alone…

 

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Going Solo”

  1. Birdie says :

    Can I say I am looking forward to the results? How about I am very interested in the results. 😉

  2. stunnedandstunted says :

    All the best, Grainne. I hope it goes well.

  3. Birdie says :

    Was sitting here thinking about you. Hoping all is well. xo

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