One more month to go before I get my sleep study results. It feels like so much time has passed since I had the thing. Some of the delay is due to them needing time to interpret the results and the rest is scheduling, I’m sure. I was going to start calling for a cancellation spot but I don’t want to be on edge, waiting for the call that never comes, so, I’ll just sit and wait.
I didn’t take any stimulants today so far, which is always a mistake. I hate them though…hate needing them so much. If I don’t take a double dose every morning I am absolutely useless by 1100 in the morning. When I went for the study, I went off them entirely for a week prior, just to ensure I was feeling the full symptoms; hoping it would help get clear results. I was so fucking tired at the end of that week it took me almost a month to recover. It’s a sickening, drugged out, sedated, fighting a losing battle kind of tired….actually, “tired” doesn’t cover it at all.
Sometimes, I almost feel like I’m slipping into another pocket of depression but I don’t really have the time and that seems to keep it at bay. I mean, work is so busy and difficult to manage that it entirely eats my time while I’m here and by the time I get to my couch at the end of the day I’m so wiped out I can barely sit up. I’m asleep soon after and the most of the living I do is in my dreams….and they are all over the place. I’m back to feeling like my dream world is reality and the real world is the dreamscape where all I do is run and run and run and run and try to stay upright before it all catches up to me and eats me alive.
One of the girls I used to work with at my last job (in real life) just got a layoff notice. She’s the second in the last little while….we’re having some huge (ever-lasting/ always ongoing) budget issues and support staff is usually the first to go when that happens, of course. It’s brought back so many feelings, hearing her tell me how scary it all is. I’m dreaming of my last set of coworkers and bosses and it makes me feel so crappy when I wake up. They really messed with me…..back stabbing assholes. They said they cared but in the end they held it all against me…the boss even made backhanded comments on my sick time on my way out the door. I should have never trusted them with what I was going through (physical illness only – I never disclose my mental/emotional issues in the workplace). Anyway – disappointing lesson learned there and I was happy not thinking about it anymore…until the ex-coworker reached out to me. Now it just makes me tired. Even more tired.
10:00 and I’m starting to fade. Screen is blurring and swaying in front of me; eyelids are pulling down as hard as they can and my brain is shutting off, switch by switch. Better take my meds before I crash.