Warping my own reality

Pain and I are friends.  She’s not someone I really liked when I first met her; she was clingy and uncomfortably so.  She was always in my face when I needed peace and would take up all of my energy with her endless nattering and calls for attention.  There was nothing that satisfied her aside from having my entire focus set her way.  I tried to make her leave me with thoughts and intentions and abject neglect but when that didn’t work I tried to chemically vanish her…erase her existence from my consciousness.  That was okay for a while but very temporary and it just seemed to make her angrier.  She would come back full force, bruised and insulted, and her scream would be louder than ever before.  I sought advice from medical doctors, osteopathic practitioners, chiropractors, surgeons, physiotherapists and even psychiatrists but the all came up short, leaving me with a shrug of the shoulders and dismissal clearly set in their eyes.  It came down to just her and me, over and over, time and time again.  Finally, one day I decided to reason with her.

“Pain.  You are exquisite in your way and I know you want to be heard; to be known.  You and I are fighting for space in the same body and it is causing so much torment.  Why don’t we compromise and find a way to exist here together?”

She thought about my words, paused her aching, vibrating hum, and I thought I felt a small smile touch the corners of her lips.  She was willing to try.

I reached inside myself and felt around my soul until I knew, exactly, the space it took.  I found that I could shift a little to my right and when I did I felt her slip out of my spine and into the space I had made for her.  The space grows and shrinks as my lungs expand but she is careful not to put too much pressure there; keeping a wide open space for my lungs and heart and when I can, I pull myself up tall and tight to try to allow her the same courtesy.

We are both still learning how to tessellate into the same body but so far, it’s working.  I breathe in and I can feel her; I breathe out and I can feel her but she never overwhelms me and tries to fill every inch of space inside me anymore.

I have tried to make friends with exhaustion in the same way but pain and exhaustion seem to feed each other and then grow out of control.  Exhaustion isn’t inside me, but all around me, dragging on the ground as it clings to my ankles, making me stumble and fall.

“Could you not just walk beside me?” I asked it one day, but it didn’t have the energy to answer.



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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Warping my own reality”

  1. KittyHere says :

    Enjoyed your post. Thinking about it “pain” is certainly a “she” but I wonder is “exhaustion” a “he” in comparison. You can “talk, reason’ better with pain (she like) but not “exhaustion” (he like it just does it’s thing.)

    • Grainne says :

      Hey Kitty 🙂 I didn’t even notice I that I didn’t give exhaustion a gender pronoun. I would definitely think of it as a ‘he’; a strong, nearly immobile force keeping me in place emotionally and physically while pain is all emotion and highs vs lows. Food for thought there indeed. 🙂 xoxo

  2. Birdie says :

    I have found something similar. I am making friends with anxiety and depression and have found that I am able to live with him now. I am still having a lot of problems but they are problems I can live with.

    Looking forward to hearing your sleep study!

    • Grainne says :

      *hugs tight* You are my warrior-mentor Birdie. Much love.

      Results are still quite a few weeks away but I’m looking forward to them too. I’ll email you the detailed version if I don’t get them down here quickly after receiving them. xox

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