Weird days. I’m having a strange and kind of unsettling week. The dreams are … well, not easily erased as I go on with my days.
Sunday was a bad day. I woke up and felt exhausted the moment I opened my eyes…plus nightmares galore did not help much. I waded through the chaos they created inside me and then found myself dropping off to sleep before I’d even finished my cup of tea. I spent the entire day lying on the couch, watching stupid videos on YouTube. I slept again that afternoon and straight through until the next morning when I got up for work feeling just as exhausted, if not more so.
Monday, I felt like I was barely here. I made it to work…it was a difficult day, to say the least, with the bosses and the bullshit that I’m navigating my way through with them these days. I found myself falling back into dreams pretty consistently and was sitting with a lot of emotions that didn’t make much sense. I’d feel a thud of dread in my gut that nearly made me sick and the panic would start to rise into my chest; heart hammering in my throat as I searched through my thoughts trying to find the cause. When I located the memory that was causing the fear and realized it was a dream memory and not a real one, I’d feel stupid and breathe my way through the physical reaction….discharging the panic and letting the adrenaline slow in my veins. Most of the things I felt left me as I realized they were not relevant to reality but that sense of dread stayed strong throughout the day. I had a strong sense of foreboding…doom…tickling my fight/flight response no matter what I did or how much I talked myself down and away from it. I tried to stay present, explained to myself that I was safe, at work, no reason to fear…but that little voice inside me kept whispering back that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong and still dreaming. Maybe there was something to fear after all…. It was frustrating and I couldn’t break out of the cycle.
Tuesday I woke up feeling horrible and something was very ‘off’ in head and body. Things weren’t working right…I was missing words and thoughts would just sort of hang in the air without completing. I would find myself sitting frozen, blank eyed and lost, staring at my computer screen in my office, fingers poised on the keys of the keyboard, doing nothing. It’d snap back to reality, realizing I was drifting away with a little involuntary jump of my muscles and start working again. My body wasn’t right though…just not right. My throat felt like it was swelling closed so I couldn’t breathe, but it wasn’t. Mind you, I can feel my tonsils filling my throat and they are kind of in the way, but certainly not blocking my air way….I’m just hyper conscious of them for some reason (no infection or virus either.) My breathing doesn’t seem regular thought….and there’s a feeling of dread/doom/terror burning deep inside me that I can’t put out. My spine really hurts…or rather, the nerves are being crushed in a way that particularly hurts right now which always throws off my arthritic issues, but when I turn my head a certain way my entire sympathetic nervous system explodes into action as if my body was in serious danger. You know that feeling when your whole physical being just says “NO! DON’T DO THAT!”? …. that’s what mine keeps telling me. Then the sleep wave hit me. It was worse than it’s been for a long time… I was passing out, slipping in and out of consciousness, and fighting it every moment. I was dreaming while I was awake…kept hearing things and seeing things that didn’t fit with where I was (at work, in my office) and I’d jerk awake. It took me an hour to write a very simple email – I’d forget what I was doing every few seconds and would have to back track to remind myself but would fall asleep and forget what I was doing again. I went for a walk outside in the freezing rain with a light shirt on, no jacket, splashed ice cold water on my face, talked to as many people who would talk to me….I was not as bad while engaged with people but the moment I wasn’t I would slip away again. It was awful. I stood up at my desk and started falling over every few moments, as my body let go while my brain began switching to sleep mode and one of my coworkers noticed (I have a glass wall in my office. Sigh) She knows about my sleeping issues so it was okay but it made me realize how bad I actually was. I went to the locker room for 20 minutes (it felt like 2) to finish out my shift then sat in my car for another 30 waiting for the third dose of stimulants to kick in so I could drive home. Dayne talked to me on the phone the whole way to be safe and then I picked up Colt, walked in the house and then I remember nothing but being woken when Dayne came home until my alarm went off this morning.
The worst part of yesterday, though, was the constant though that ran in my head. I kept thinking I was dying…that my body was dying. Something was very, very wrong and I could feel myself slipping away from life, not just consciousness. It messed with me big time. I am not one to give into illness…I will always do what is best for my body and I try to treat it with respect as much as possible but I just don’t panic when there is something potentially wrong. It’s part dissociation from my childhood experiences and part bull-headed stubbornness that won’t allow me to give in. I had a cancer scare once in my life and it barely ruffled my feathers. What will be, will be….panicking over something that hasn’t yet happened is futile and I think we all do way too much of that in life. I will never just lie down and die…that’s for sure, not matter what life throws my way. So that’s what has been eating at me….I don’t give into illness yet something inside me is telling me that there is something *very* wrong.
It could be all in my head, of course, but it’s so unlike me.
I keep dreaming of my mom…I can’t see her….I can just feel her and she’s come for me. She’s there waiting to take me with her and I don’t want to go yet. I keep screaming (out loud and in dreams) for Dayne to help me, to keep me with him….to wake me up. My cats won’t leave me alone for two seconds, laying on me and always touching me…something they never do unless I’m very sick. Something just feels very wrong. Very wrong. I don’t understand it. I thought it would have passed by now but its right there with me at every moment.
It suddenly occurred to me that the number that has been calling my cell phone incessantly that I’ve never answered (I have issues with my personal phone. Can’t bring myself to answer when I don’t know who it is) might be one of the multiple doctor’s offices I had tests run through last month. Shit. I hope that isn’t the case. Time to make some calls…..