Well here we are, back at it, in the office and staring at my computer screen, trying to sort through 300 email and get my bearings back before I dive into the audits and time entry and all the wonderful tasks that keep me hopping. *sigh* It was a good break because I rested SO much. I slept the entire time through with only short pockets of being awake….I guess I’m glad that I have to start forcing myself into a time schedule again. I tend to waste the days when I’m not forced up and out of bed in the morning.
I feel bad. I’ve messed up a bunch of friendships, as per my norm, because I ended up completely withdrawing over this last week. It’s only one week, I know, but I didn’t connect with anyone outside of my immediate family and only then, at times, because they are in the same building as me. If I lived alone and didn’t work I would isolate entirely and never connect with another soul again. It’s not easy, being my friend. I have a bunch of apologies to make.
Drew texts me all the time to see how I am and always forgives me when I don’t answer…for ages. For some reason, he doesn’t ever made me feel bad, doesn’t ever get upset and almost never takes it personally. It’s not fair though, the way I treat him and I need to change that. If someone is putting this much into being my friend he surely deserves more from me than an occasional response. 😦 I just never have anything to talk about this isn’t miserable. This one deserves a better friend though…so Drew, I’m sorry I suck. I do love you.
Then there’s Cortney. She’s a work friend and I adore her. She recently moved to the other side of the country (out your way Birdie!) and she texted me over the holidays several times but I didn’t answer. She’ll forgive me if I ask…and I will. I did warn her about this side of me and how I can suddenly go so anti-social…she said she understood but I don’t know how anyone could understand being treated that way. She’s used to being treated unfairly though…her husband isn’t the nicest of partners and I think he cheats on her and her parents hold anything and everything over her head. Her dad wouldn’t speak to her for over a year because she told him to “fuck off” one day. Totally unlike her, she’s such a sweet, gentle soul. I’ll have to send her a card in the mail or something…make up for being a crappy friend.
Then MH. This poor guy…. I’ve fucking messed with him too many times. He’s really wonderful but we have a hard time connecting and I keep dropping off the face of the earth. I logged onto Skype one day of my vacation and he was there, asking why I never talk to him anymore. I couldn’t answer. I have no reason. I didn’t know how to deal with his affection and compassion, is really what it boils down to. He scared me because he cared. Isn’t that ridiculous?
My blog friends, You guys understand and I have a great relationship with many of you. You guys come and go like I do but we always fall back together at some point. You let me breathe when I need to and stand with me when I don’t want to be alone. I hope I provide the same comfort to you. I’m sorry for not being here last week, if anyone needed me. I’m going to send several of you a quick email today to let you know I’ve been thinking of you. xx
So that’s that. I didn’t text or call any of my work friends over the holidays but I think this lot is all on the same page as me there. I’ve had over a dozen hugs and welcome backs from some of my favourites around here so far and it’s nice to be back in a place I belong. It settles me, being here, even though the job is a nightmare at times. I feel like I am liked and missed when I’m gone. We don’t have to go out to have dinner or drinks; we don’t have to spend time at each other’s houses; we don’t ask each other to babysit kids or animals; we don’t even have to talk on the phone after work hours, but we can still be fond of each other. That’s pretty much all I want in life.
It does bother me that, in order to have a close connection with me, you basically have to be in my face all the time. The only human being to have overwritten that behaviour of mine was M. It didn’t mean anything to him though, no matter how I tried to explain it. He just told me I was full of shit and dismissed me, complaining about all the things I wasn’t…but then, how was he to know how important it was. Was. How sad is that? I guess that’s part of why I am the way I am.
How can I be so much in need of people around me and wanting to much to connect when the last thing I want is to connect and have people around me? I know the world isn’t supposed to revolve around me and I genuinely love helping people. I love making people happy….I love giving them parts of me and sharing things…. yet, I find it nearly impossible to maintain friendships.
Weird me. I think I’ll just solidify my circle now and focus on those who are currently in it. Prove that they are worth more to me than I’m showing. It won’t make things worse, at least…will it?