The Slumber

Holy crap.  I have been asleep for a week, I think.  I had a week off work….Friday was Christmas so I got that off and I’ve been off work since but it’s suddenly a week later and I haven’t managed to do much aside sleep.

Christmas day was really nice.  It was a lot of fun watching Colt rip into his presents and we had a lovely day, just enjoying his fun.  He LOVED everything and is such a sweetheart when it comes to gifts.  He’s often more excited to give than to get, although his attention was well focused on his new train tracks and the 50 pack of mini trains we found for him.  He declared it the Best Christmas Ever and hauled off all of his stuff to his room where he stayed for days, I think, just playing away.  There is nothing quite like the sound of his happy voice in the house…always talking and laughing, watching videos on YouTube while he makes up stories about his trains and other toys.  His laugh has been infectious and joyous for days…it’s been filtering into my dreams and making me smile.

Oh!  I just saw the sun.  It’s been gray and cloudy every time I’ve opened my eyes since last Friday.

I slept most of Christmas day but woke for dinner and Dayne cooked up a storm.  We had a wonderful turkey with stuffing and all the fixings….I had planned on helping but missed the entire affair.  Dayne was just glad I got up to eat (I was glad too!).  I went back to sleep after dinner and was out completely until Monday.  I did some stuff that day, I think.  I spent some time online chatting with M but I’m sure I’ve ruined that connection again as I didn’t manage to wake up from Tuesday through today enough to get back there.  He always gets upset when I don’t make it a priority to hang out with him when he’s talking to me but I’ve managed to do absolutely noting since then and now I’m afraid to look him up.  Happens.  Unfortunately.

I went to the hospital to get my scrip after a mess with my family doc the week before Christmas but they hadn’t called the scrip in as promised.  They didn’t get the first faxed request from the pharmacy and by the time I figured that out, the doc had gone away for holidays.  The office got the on call doc to write me a scrip but he wrote it for only 7 days and, for some reason, gave me half the usual dose.  I called and was told they’d call it in first thing Monday.  I waited until Wednesday to go pick it up but, as noted, it wasn’t there.  That trip took all I had out of me and I fell asleep on the couch when I got home.

I was awake for a bit last night and had a nice hot bath (my first for a long time).  I got out and was all warm and snugly feeling but Dayne was busy with something on his computer and I just lay down in bed, thinking about getting my phone to waste an hour or two.  I fell asleep and now it’s 1:00 on New Year’s Day.

Where did the week go? 😦

I have dreamed so much I can’t even untangle them.  I dreamed of my foster family a lot…mostly about going back there and trying to reach out to them but they always turned me away, telling me how much I hurt them and how I wasn’t worth it.  I dreamed of M a lot too..angry with me and sullen.  I dreamed of my girl in the woods but those dreams were so painful I woke crying and calling for her….loud enough that I woke my family several times.  Dayne said I’ve never been so animated while I sleep as I have been this last week.  I’m constantly crying, calling out, screaming at times.  Once or twice I woke on my feet, running from something that wasn’t really there.  I dreamed of rape and torture, sadness and rejection.  I dreamed of being hated and unloved.  I dreamed of my old boss and coworkers hating me, having to sneak around and hide so they couldn’t find me to fire me.  The worst dreams were about my body.

The one that sticks out the most and bothered me enough to actually wake me all the way and keep me from falling back to sleep for an hour (totally unlike me) was about a physiotherapy diagnostic appointment I had.  I went to a therapy centre with a pool and there were a team of physio’s there, treating me.  The first was a guy who had me do different motions in the water.  They were testing my muscle strength and endurance, he said, and he held my middle as I floated on my back and attempted the exercises he directed.  I was exhausted when that testing was complete.  Someone else, a woman I think, came behind me in the pool and wrapped her arms around my chest, holding me up, and told me to relax and float until the next test was ready.  It was wonderful to just let my arms and legs turn to jelly and float there for a while, not having to worry about going under.

Next, they had me on a few different underwater exercise machines.  The last test, I was told to stand against a wall while they attached electrodes to my body.  They said it was a mix between and EMG and a tolerance test to see if there was any nerve damage.  The woman physio threw some darted electrodes at me from a distance that lodged into my skin and although it hurt, I seemed not to be bleeding.  They turned the electicity on and I was immediately crippled; my body folding in on itself.  I couldn’t use my arms or legs but they had me lurch along to the next room to the machine that would read the results.

“I can already see there is a lot of debris in your legs” someone said.  “We will have to see if we can move that out.”

I didn’t know what that meant.  I was in a lot of pain.

They took me to a chair that looked like a dentist chair but it had a thick foam padding.  I was to lie down on my chest and try to stay still as the electricity ran through me and into the machine but every time they amped it up I would start to twitch and the pain got so bad….  I could feel that I was starting to seize…starting to lose control of all the movements and then I felt my bladder let go.  They immediately stopped the electricity and there were hands and faces all around me as my body defied me and threw it’s limbs all around.  I was seizing and it hurt so much but I wanted them to keep running the tests…I didn’t want them to stop because I really needed these results and didn’t want to start it again from the beginning.

“Please….just….do….test.”  I tried, speech hesitant and stilted.  I felt like I couldn’t control my tongue.

“No no, we’ve set you into a seizure pattern.  We are stopping the test now.  No negotiation.”

“Oh please?!  Don’t!  Do testing.  Please!”

But they wouldn’t listen.  I wanted to cry but my body forgot how.  I was in so much pain I didn’t even know where it was coming from anymore.  I felt my lungs flutter in my chest and knew it was bad.  Very bad.  I couldn’t breathe anymore.  Couldn’t inhale.  Panicked.  Didn’t care.  Didn’t care at all.

Someone started CPR and I was lying there, my body fighting their attempts to force my heart to beat.  I was smiling but my mouth wouldn’t move.  Crying but my eyes wouldn’t let go of the tears.

Someone said “There she is!” and I was back in my body, pain radiating from the deepest parts of me outwards.  And I woke up, covered in sweat, drooling on my pillow, face down on the couch.  My arms were twisted under me, my legs tangled in each other and my heart was beating so hard I could feel the blood moving in my veins.

No relief.  Not even in dreams, for this body.

So.  Happy New Year then.  Hopefully I’ll manage to stay awake for a day or so before I go back to work.

On a happy note – Colt had an amazing Christmas.  He was calm and excited but coped so very well with it all.  He didn’t meltdown, didn’t get overstimulated.  He loved his presents and opened them all without tears.  We had a fully done Christmas tree for the first time ever, lights and everything.  Colt even had lights IN his room this year, which was so much fun for me to see.  His dad was so happy, helping him put them around his window.  They didn’t get turned on for the first two weeks but he had them lit on Christmas Eve and it made me so happy for him….to be able to enjoy a bit of the excitement of Christmas without the stress.  He chose not to go to his school Christmas Concert, which was kind of sad, but he was so worked up about it he nearly threw up when he told me he would go.  I wanted this year to be fun for him so we made it as easy as we could…and he was thankful.  He crawled into my arms later that night and thanked me for not making him get up on stage and sing in the concert.  He knew I wanted to see him do it so much….he felt so much better though, not going, and told me he’d sing all the songs just for me if I asked him to.  🙂

So.  Happy Colt.  That makes everything okay again.

Time to catch up on my texts and email.  If I’ve missed anything in blog land, I’m sorry.  I’ve had you all in my heart as I dreamed away my time off.  xx


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “The Slumber”

  1. Birdie says :

    Your dreams are so vivid. Did the sleep doctor have anything to say about that?
    It is most excellent to hear how great Colt is doing!

    • Grainne says :

      He said that sometimes a lack of oxygen saturation can cause very vivid dreams but when he heard I’d had dreams like that all my life and never had any incidents of apnea before he didn’t seem so sure.

      Did I write about the study they’re doing? I’ll do that now….it must be in my drafts.

      Been thinking of you and your upcoming surgery. I’ll be with you in spirit, my friend. xox Can I give you my email so we can connect out of blog world a bit? I’d really like that but will understand if it’s not your thing…

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