The rest…

Ahh that was a waste of a day but the 18 hour sleep did me some good.  I had the most intense dreams later into my sleep but they weren’t scary or upsetting…just entertaining.  I dreamed I was working in a haunted retail store that was in an ancient castle, owned by a family who capitalized on the haunting to drive business.  It was interesting and I kept thinking how much I enjoyed working in retail over the hospital … how stress free it was and how the worst thing to happen was that my feet would hurt after standing in heels for 9 hours and then I had to take the bus home.  ~memories~ Sigh.

So work.  We’ve been meeting about my too-heavy workload and, I think I recorded the last meeting here where it started about me and ended with the two bosses talking about scheduling and time keeping and how much more they could add to my plate if we only made the processes more streamlined.  The streamlining fell to me, of course, and on Tuesday we wasted three hours of my morning brainstorming around new ideas.  Just so you know, “brainstorming’ actually means “we have already decided what we want so we will let you talk about your stupid ideas for a few minutes and then tell you what we want you to do anyway.”  I could have done so much more with that three hours.  I didn’t spend much time on my presentation, knowing this was going to be how things turned out, but I wasn’t anticipating the anger that would come forth with the aggressive boss when I tried to explain my idea.  She was venomous…hated everything I said.  Her excuses for not liking the idea included:

  1. Her staff are professionals. They don’t have time to access an online schedule so she wants to keep the post a paper copy system.  (This is the current system I’m trying to replace and make more efficient.  They write changes on the paper copy and then I’m expected to run back and forth all week and update the online copy, reprint it and repeat.  It falls to the bottom of my list often and that pisses the aggressive boss off.)
  2. If I post an online schedule, the staff will have to log into the hospital network. She doesn’t think they’ll want to do that.  ….  (they log in anyway to access the patient care software, email, intranet….every single day).  When I told her that she said:
  3. There aren’t enough computers for her staff to use to log in to see the schedule online. (They log in to do their stats daily, see their patient charts, utilize the software and systems of the organization but I stopped myself before saying that and pressing the issue)
  4. Then she decided that the online calendar wouldn’t work because it was running from Friday to Thursday, which is how our payroll falls. She said it was “too confusing” and that people think Monday to Friday, not Friday to Thursday.  I mentioned, nicely, that all the handwritten time sheets are, and have been for years, in the Friday to Thursday format and that changing that would be a shift in thinking, not the other way around.  The secretary from the other campus who was on a t-con line and my predecessor who was invited to the meeting as well, both agreed with me but she hushed them and just said the same thing over.
  5. Then, another reason for not wanting her schedules online was that they might be accidentally deleted. Seriously.  That was a reason to not keep the thing online.  EVERYTHING else is online and we have daily backups but she was still too worried.  So I said I’d back the damn thing up on a memory stick weekly and leave it on her desk.  Still not good enough.
  6. She said my schedule that contained both hours worked and hours off was too complicated and confusing. I whipped up a quick second draft with less info and she told me that it was useless to her.  She needed to know everyone start and stop times, who they were covering, what department they worked for, who their assigned patient included, where they were if they were off, what type of day off they were having and then wanted a colour code system to show cost centre charges.

We got to the part of the meeting where we were asked to discuss what we though the future state of this process should look like.  I offered my opinion that process should be consistent across the teams, that we should plan to have three month blocks schedules in advance (the teams all self-schedule) that changes should be approved by the managers, as per our time keeping policies in the organization, and that all info should be kept in a single place, online, rather than on 15 different hand written calendars that need to be consolidated and typed into an online template anyway.

She was not pleased with that.  She yelled at me that I was “MAKING DECISIONS” without including what was good for her and the rest of the team.  I, quietly but annoyed now, told her I was not making any decisions, I was just voicing suggestions.  I had to leave the room then…went for a walk and calmed down.  She pushes my buttons so well I was afraid I’d lose it and say something that would have gotten me in trouble…she is my boss, after all.

Through all this the other one, the passive aggressive one who manages the other department I support, was trying with all her might to keep the conversation moving forward in a constructive manner but the aggressive one was so upset she didn’t manage very well.  My colleagues tried hard to stand up to Ms. aggressive as well but she was so focused on telling me how wrong I was that she didn’t even hear them.

In the end, we were here:

I am to create several different types of excel schedules that will auto total all of the things aggressive wants to see without making it too confusing for everyone.  (She mentioned how she doesn’t want to have to ‘filter’ any of my documents so that she only sees what she wants to) she wants me to link the pages together to auto populate into sub-calendars that she can look at without having to do anything.

  • She wants these printed and posted each day in their individual offices.
  • Then, I’m to look into web based scheduling as well and figure out a way to get all of the info from the paper calendars into the online schedule without getting behind.
  • She wants colour coding and views that run Monday to Friday.
  • She wants them updated live, BUT, I cannot allow any of the staff who are going to be doing the updating write access to the drive.

So.  Same stupid system, now only more work for me.  This is all redundant stuff and in the end we’re right where we started.  Thankfully the other manager is open to change so I’ll pilot something with her staff and then see if aggressive will allow me to pilot it with one of her groups.  It’s what she wants, in the end, she just doesn’t like it because I came up with it.  She doesn’t like me to think.

This is all the job of a staffing clerk, a role that most departments have.  We don’t, but it’s only because they won’t push for one…too worried about how they will look.  I’m NOT a staffing clerk, in fact I’m paid much more than a clerk would be because I’m an AO….so, I ended the meeting by saying that if she wanted to pay me to do a clerks job, that would be fine, we’d just have to go back to the table to see what else she can take off my plate so I stop having to put in unpaid overtime.  That pissed her off too.

Yesterday, she was still mad about the meeting so was punishing me. She started sending derogatory email out to other departments, scolding me for making a few small errors in her ever-changing, nonsense cross-charging crap.  Rather than hire a full time person, she ends up hiring four part times ones and then makes one full time by taking funding from a different allocation.  There’s nothing wrong with what she does but it makes things unnecessarily complicated and, occasionally, mistakes happen.  She cc’d in a bunch of leadership on an email to me demanding that we meet to discuss the error issues with the staffing plan so that she could be sure I understood it.  She also said she would like my predecessor to be called in because she never made these mistakes.  (Mind you, that woman worked every weekend for free….min fifteen hours.  I did that for a while but stopped after it became expected and that didn’t make her very happy).

With the crap going on with Colt at school (that’s resolved now, I think.  He behaved very badly when given a gift from a girl.  He didn’t like what she gave him so he threw it at her) and the teachers demanding I do something about it and the pain and the sleep and the rest of freaking life, I  had enough after reading those email and left for the day.

*Inhale*  Okay.  Now I can breathe a bit better.  I feel tired, which is ridiculous and my head is pounding.  I just want this week and next to be over so I can be off for my week and a bit and forget about this BS for a while.  I’m too busy in this job to waste so much time arguing over stupid things with this woman.

The PTSD flares up and I start feeling that panic deep in my body…I’m not good enough, she hates me, she’s going to fire me, I suck at this job, I can’t do anything right, I don’t deserve this job, I’m an impostor, I’ve fooled everyone into thinking I’m capable but I’m really not, they’re onto me, they’re going to find out, I’m going to get caught.  Oh no oh no oh no oh no I just want to run and hide and never come up for air again.  I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be awake or alive or anything at all.….

And then I notice I have 146 unopened email and a full account reconciliation due along with a website to finish designing, two meetings to prep for, payroll to enter, HR issues to deal with, stats to audit, voice mail to pick up…..

Back to work for me.  I suppose.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “The rest…”

  1. Birdie says :

    I wish you didn’t have to deal with this woman but I wish even more that she had a superior that could tell her that her bullying is unacceptable. Workplace bullying, which is all the shit she is pulling, is just starting to come to the forefront but it seems nothing is being done about it. What can you expect when all the most popular TV programs are based on bullying?
    I wish I had some suggestions for you but bullies know how to get around all of them. The only thing that can protect you is a Union. I would be curious if even you are not in a union if you have any rights as an employee because you are at the hospital?
    It sounds as if you are very good at your job and I am curious if your skills are transferable somewhere else?
    As for Colt! I know he has some different issues going on but I wondering of he might actually have a crush on this girl? I have taught my daughter from a young age that boys do the stupidest things when they like a girl. They tease and hit and do things to make a girl cry! Hmmmm? 😉
    Do you have a date for your sleep study?
    Grainne, you are one of my favourite people out there in blogland. I think you are very hard on yourself but I think you are fucking amazing. The things you have gone through would send most people to addiction and living on the street, living a life of crime to get by. But you! You have scraped and clawed your way forward. You have a happy marriage and a boy that sounds like a wonderful, thoughtful, kind and gentle human. You work at a job that most would have quit ages ago. You work everyday with a debilitating illness and yet, and yet you manage. I am in awe of you. I have no doubt that your (birth) family would be so very proud of you. I know if you were my daughter I would be bursting my buttons at how far you have come and what you manage to pull off each day.
    One last thing. Have you ever looked into Colt being a Highly Sensitive Person? There are kids out there that have been diagnosed as Autistic who are also Highly Sensitive. I ask because I am Highly Sensitive. WHen I looked at the online checklist I checked all but one in the affirmative. I totally get him when you say that he needs down time and how he reacts so strongly to noise and too much going on.
    Here is the adult checklist.
    Here is the one for children.
    I wish I knew about being HS years ago because all of my life people have been telling me that I was “too sensitive”. It is all the most harder for boys/men when we live in a culture that prizes insensitivity in men. I am curious about this and if if rings true with Colt. I encourage you to ask him about questions that you don’t know about but most HSP’s wear their hearts on their sleeves and can’t hide any emotion.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh goodness you made my day with this comment. I was searching for a reason to get up and you gave it to me. Thank you. Xo

      No, no word on the sleep study yet. The wheels move so slowly around here. (And there where you are, I know).

      Very perceptive of you, Colt does fancy this girl. I never looked at it as typical boy behaviour so thanks for that perspective lol! She is a beautiful little thing…he had excellent taste in women. The teacher says they act like an old married couple and that she yells at him to do something (or not to do something, more aptly) and he usually listens. Can hardly wait for puberty. Ha.

      You know, I have always assumed that his high sensitivities are autism related because the sensory bit is so prevalent. Interesting link there and I will have a good dig into info. It would be just like
      me to lump everything into one diagnosis and call it a day, unintentionally of course.

      Your love is keeping me going today my friend. You mean a lot to me. Xox

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