An interesting twist in life brought someone to me who has asked about a friend of mine that I loved and lost about a year ago. It’s caused memories and feelings to come flooding back but, although unusual for me, I’m not wanting to hide from them, I’m wanting to embrace them. I miss my friend so much and I don’t post much about her because I feel like I’m betraying her somehow. She ended her life for reasons that were hers alone and she felt she would be better off in whatever place she went to when she left this world. By feeling her loss and acknowledging it out loud I start to feel selfish and guilty…like I want her back just so I can still have her with me. ….and that’s true, isn’t it? I don’t want her back so she can continue to suffer and struggle. I don’t want her back so her pain can overwhelm her but wow, do I ever want to call her and talk to her….I so badly want to hear my phone signal a text and look at it to see her name come through. I texted her multiple times after her death and before I found out and those texts still sit on my phone, undeleted. She never answered them, of course, but I won’t clear them away because those were the last words I sent her and expected her to read.
It was close to this time of year – this month, when the world lost her and maybe that’s also why she’s been on my mind so much lately, but this is a good thing, I think. Something to connect me back to a person I loved dearly. I suspect she can still feel it…wherever she is.
(Oh ha….I’m almost crying now, at work. *blink blink blink* and time to reset).