Appointment over

Thank you guys, for all the comforting words and great advice about my appointment yesterday.  It went really well, all things considered.  One of my oldest blog friends sent me a wonderful email to make me feel better that arrived just before I was seen and the rest of your supportive comments helped more than you might realize.  So…thank you.  xx

I had to wait over an hour to be seen but once in there the entire procedure was very quick.  There was a female ultrasound tech in the room the entire time so I didn’t even have to ask for a nurse to be there and the doc was efficient and obviously well practiced at the task.  He was very young which was a bit unnerving but he was so quick it almost didn’t register before it was all done and he was *whoosh* gone and onto the next case.  He did answer some of my questions and was polite…and honestly, had he used a blow dart he couldn’t have got that IUD in faster.  It was crampy but I do pain well so, aside from a few knee-weakening cramps through the day afterwards, everything was fine.  🙂

As for the rest of life…we’re still kind of up in the air regarding Colt’s Wednesday’s and finding new sitters/arrangements.  Only one week left of the current sitter so we’re running low on time.  That’s a stress I don’t really want to think about at the moment – I already have a full bowl of work stress today so I don’t want to short my system out.  I remember, once, my therapist giving me a little diagram to explain how stress and ptsd work together…or against each other, really.  It was a cup that was 3/4 full of ‘stress’ and she said that was pretty much how I walked around all the time, with a stress load that was taking up more than half of my capacity to tolerate.  When something else went wrong and caused stress, which happens to everyone of course, rather than my cup being half full, it went from 3/4 full to overflowing.  Then, if another stressful situation occurred on top of that there was just nowhere to put it and that shit would spill out everywhere and flow into everything.  It was pretty accurate for me and I’ve learned to selectively panic about things when they all go off at once.  Sort of.  lol.  So.  I’m not thinking about that today.

I had really intense dreams last night about living on the street and having someone with me who I was absolutely attached to and felt like I couldn’t live without.  He and I were living in a little enclosure made from garbage bins that were zip-tied together.  We had nothing and I didn’t care, as long as he was by my side.  The location of our little plastic dwelling was next to a very rowdy bar and, one night, a bunch of drunk patrons decided to destroy our shelter and began to beat us, chasing us away from their neighbourhood.  I lost track of my friend and couldn’t find him so I panicked and went to check the local hospitals to see if he had been checked in, gravely injured.  When I got to the hospital they took me in against my will and evaluated me, saying that my questions about my friend were not making sense and were causing them alarm.  I was put under observation and after many whispered conversations around me, I was told that I was very ill with a mental illness and that the friend I kept speaking of had never existed….he was not with me in the shelter and even though I had been talking to him constantly, passersby had reported that I was seen constantly talking away to myself, all alone in the street.  I had been frightening people, acting crazy and threatening and they wanted me away from them.

I was kept in the hospital, sort of…moved from room to room really, and not checked in.  There were people keeping an eye on me and I knew they were going to take me away but I didn’t try to escape, just sat there and waited.  Occasionally, medical staff would come in and try to help me understand that my friend was only in my mind; that he was another part of me who existed inside me, as part of my psyche.  I was confused and devastated by the loss of him and couldn’t see how it could be possible that he and I were really the same person.  I had so many memories of him and I doing things together and being there for each other.  I swore I’d seen him talking to other people many times but, when pressed, I couldn’t come up with a single, solid example.

Silly dream with not much point to it but I woke up feeling trapped, bereft and utterly alone in the world.  I’ve managed to shake most of it off at this point in the day but every now and then a strong wave of emotion I don’t understand will overtake me and I’ll be thrown back into that environment, feeling as if I’d just lost someone I loved deeply, but who was also some part of me….so almost like a part of me has died.  (That just gave me shivers.  I’m going to stop thinking about this for now too).

I’m running out of non-stressful topics.  Work….(nope), dreams….(nope), Colt….(leads to other thoughts that lead to nope), health?  ha.  No.

OOOH shoot!  I never posted the good story I have drafted about my mom’s grave and the bird in my tattoo!  I’ll go pick at that today and see if it doesn’t elevate my mood some and refocus to get through this day.  🙂  I will be able to attach pics too now, since the tattoo is nearly healed.

Hope everyone is having a decent Friday.  Hopefully, more to come shortly…

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Appointment over”

  1. Birdie says :

    If I could wish one thing for you it would be freedom from those dreams. A good night’s sleep is so invaluable and I think a good rest would help you in so many ways. 😉

  2. amazingtechnicolorbutterfly says :

    Prazosin really helped me with nightmares.

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