Brand new Stress…I mean day. (Happy post to follow)
Oh goodness…things just took a turn in my life. I still have that nice story to write out (well, finish editing) and I want to post that today but I’ll toss in this little tidbit of misery to get it out of the way.
I went to pick Colt up last night at the sitter and she asked me to come in and sit down. This has *never* happened in the entire six years she’s been taking care of Colt before and after school, every Wednesday and all summer through the work week, has decided that she no longer wants to run a home day care. In the middle of the school year, she decided she is pulling the plug. She gave us two weeks’ notice.
So I was up all night between the pain which seems to start at my knees and end at my eyebrows, and the soul quaking fear of Colt’s world changing in ways he can’t cope with. I cannot stand to see that child suffer even more than he already has to. I feel like it’s my fault, somehow, that we have no one around us to help. I feel like I should have worked harder to maintain some sort of relationship with my foster family (the siblings, if not the parents) but it was so toxic for me to be around them.
In Mexico, during the great unraveling of Grainne’s psyche, (aka where I totally lost my shit and nearly ended up drowning myself in the ocean, nearly left Dan and Colt, nearly put my foster father in a Mexican jail, cried until I was dehydrated and started the long, downward spiral that resulted in years of hiding in my back room with video games and even more toxic company online (no, Mike, I’m not talking about you. You didn’t qualify as toxic until long after you left). I was having a meltdown in the our room one day and something happened with Dayne…he and I were arguing about me wanting to drown in the ocean (seriously, I had well thought-out justifications to fire back at his logic for hours and hours). My family preferred to ignore my sadness/issues because they have a knack for dismissing any reality they don’t like experiencing, and chose to assume that Dayne was the issue. I mean, of COURSE it was the guy who was sticking with me through all that crap and nothing to do with years of beatings, rape, emotional torture and loss. Naaah, that stuff makes most people turn out freaking awesome. *Sigh* So yeah. My foster brother and sister (the parents’ natural children) came into our suite during an argument and stood up for me, kind of. My sister came into the bathroom to ask me what was wrong. (double sigh) I had a scratch on my leg from something on the beach and she pointed at it and asked if I was cutting myself. Cutting myself? Fuck girl, I’m damn near drowning myself. I don’t self-harm and told her so. Then she said something I’ll never forget:
“Oh Grainne, you don’t have anyone you trust enough to talk to, do you? I’m so sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’ll be there now…in the future. You can always turn to me okay?”
I cried harder and was so thankful for that love and kindness. Of course, she never brought it up again. What she really meant was “Oh Grainne, I will listen to you complain about Dayne any time you like and help fuel your hatred so you eventually leave him.” Not that she actually wanted to listen or help with what was wrong with my head and heart. Her husband is a pushover and she thinks I should be with someone like that too. Once, she cheated on him with a pilot who was picking her up and flying her around the world while her boyfriend worked. He caught her…read very steamy email planning their next trip and was understandably furious. She was livid that he was trying to ‘tell her what to do’ and was ‘poking his head into her business’ and she kicked HIM out. She refused to talk to him until he came crawling back with dozens of flowers (bunches for her and bunches for my mother….kiss ass city there!) and she eventually forgave him. FORGAVE HIM for finding out she was fucking another guy and being upset about it. Thanks but no thanks….I’d much rather a real man like Dayne in my world than some spineless wimp begging for my time and attention.
Anyway…whew…that turned into a bit of a rant. Can you tell I feel lost and alone at the moment? I’m scared for Colt. Tired. In so much pain. I think I’ll load up again on meds and see how the rest of the day goes.
Good story coming up. Just need to run a final audit on payroll and I’ll get refocused into that one.