What a mess I leave
Woah I am struggling today. I feel like I’m moving underwater – I can’t quite connect to the reality around me, even though I can see it right there in front of me.
I am in enormous pain today. I lay in bed last night wincing every time I took a breath until I managed to cat nap for short bursts before I had to move to shift the pain again. I was trying to focus on it…trying to identify exactly where it is in my body so that I can work with or around it, but it’s pretty much everywhere at this point. My spine hurts from top to bottom (there’s a bit in the middle that is numb so I get some relief there, at least). My lower back is just as bad as the upper right now, which is making me nearly cry every time I think of it, which is constantly because pain flares every time I fucking breathe.
I’m also exhausted which is making the whole sleeping disorder issue oh so much more complex. I’m currently flipping between dreaming while awake (keep thinking I’m somewhere I’m not, even though I’m quite alert. Well, alert for me, anyway) and trying to focus on my work. The pain blurs everything around the edges. I could take more pain meds but then I’ll be even more drowsy and, really, there comes a point when it’s futile. I’m either going to be asleep, in pain, unfocused or miserable and it becomes a matter of choosing the least of the bad.
I just took some stimulants and some paid medication. Will see how that goes….I’m hoping for a slight reduction in the pain; enough that I can sit still without constantly shifting my body, and a little less “about-to-fall-on-my face-dead-asleep”.
How am I going to get through this day?
Wednesday, I’m off and I’m going to visit my guardian angel, Tiffany. She’s going to add a little ink to my collection and I’m so looking forward to seeing her. That will help pull me through. For now, all I want to do is cry, sleep, go home.
So. Next week is my appointment to get an IUD inserted. Turning 40 and having peri-menopause along with the rest of my body that is slowly falling apart, I thought it best to eliminate all chance of an accidental ‘surprise’. Dayne and I have been talking about the future of late and he’s not really into the whole snip-snip…can’t say I blame him. So, because I can’t take birth control pills (hormones are messed up enough all on their own, thanks very much mother nature), I decided to get an IUD. I didn’t realize how long you could keep them in…five years apparently! That means I’ll only need maybe one more before my cycle stops from natural causes…unless this peri-menopause last more than a decade. (Holy crap, can it DO that? If it can, I’ll bet it happens to me!). So, there’s that to deal with.
I have an appointment with my rheumatologist later this month and I’m hoping she has some ideas for me, medication wise. The combo I’m on, works…ish..but I seem to be suffering more than usual this past month. The headaches are getting so bad I don’t know how long I’ll be able to just keep coping with them without…well, without what, exactly Grainne? There’s really no alternative is there? Rip my own head off? Remove my skull? Drill a hole in my head to let the pain out? (Yikes).
I have my sleep consult (not study) early December. I’ll have to remember not to mention the arthritis or the mental health issues (I’ve learned my lessons well). Every time I let that info slip they turn on me, the medical community. They automatically decide that the sleep issues are something to do with the PTSD or pain, or the meds used to treat them. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’ve had sleep issues since I was a baby, that I always had vivid, disruptive dreams, and slept far more than normal people should. Mind you, the excessive daytime sleepiness and awake-dreaming is new. It came on about 4 years after the arthritis and mental issues got bad enough to treat and I started taking the meds, but again, if they can connect those dots in their minds, they will do it. I have to carefully separate the sleep symptoms from the rest…will need to write that out some time soon so I don’t get confused.
Did that make any sense at all? I’m totally overwhelmed here at work and the pain is making it so I can’t catch up or feel like I’m getting ahead at all. The tired is making me stupid and I’m so sleepy I can barely answer my phone, let alone catch up on all this work. I have 247 unopened email in my inbox here at work. I don’t even know when I’ll get to that as it’s payroll week.
Great. Now I’m stressing about work again. Today….well, this is just not my day. Off I go to try to accomplish something. Wish me luck on that one.