Ups and downs
I slept forever last night. It was a strange day…i woke late and got going late and by the time I realized I’d forgotten to take the stimulant that keeps me awake I was already at the grocery store. I figured I’d be fine…I mean, it was still in my system from the previous day, if only a little. I had taken one at 6 pm on Friday after a greuling day at work so I’d not fall asleep the moment I got home. I thought I should be okay after such a long sleep too…I was really wrong though. By the time I was done I had to get Dayne to drive us home. We split up tasks on weekends and he was doing other errands but I was falling asleep on my feet, literally, and couldn’t drive. It was a battle to keep myself awake from there on out. My eyes wouldn’t stay open and I started drifting off, jerking awake, drifting. I was dreaming too, scenes switching in front of me, vying for attention. I’d see the road as Dayne drove, houses passing, blink, I was at work, trying to get my computer to start, blink, house, road, Colt in the back playing his iPad, blink, outside waiting for a bus that I couldn’t remember the name of, worried I would get on the wrong one. I wanted a smoke so started looking in my purse for the package, patting pockets for a lighter, blink, in the car with Dayne and Colt, fumbling through my purse, hand in coat pocket. Looking for smokes I don’t have because I quit nearly a decade ago. Still, because the lines were crossing,
“Do you have a light?” I asked Dayne, out loud.
He looked confused then understanding.
“Are you okay babe?”
No. Well, yes but no. My head was pounding and I could feel the blood moving in my head, around my brain.
We got home and I immediately took a double dose of the stimulants and the sat down to wait for them to kick in with some water to sip on. Then, promptly fell asleep. I woke up four hours later, which is actually really good becuse most of my “naps” are 18 plus hours. I was up for a little while but couldn’t focus and I went back to sleep shortly thereafter. Woke at 9 am from nightmares of my mother and was in so much pain I couldn’t lie still so got up. Now I’m gobbling Ativan for the first time in over a year because I can’t get the dream from my head.
Just took all my meds. One is a down, one a heavy down, one and up and another heavy up and then I threw a temporary down on top for good measure. Up up down down down. My whole fucking body hurts today.
So many of my wonderful blog friends are gone. Two deleted their blogs, one doesn’t post anymore, one doesn’t seem to want to talk to me much anymore, one is struggling through her own things. I miss you guys. 😦
Hey Panikpants? You still out there at least? I miss you. I’ll write sometime soon.