Changes good; changes bad
Oh goodness I’m a roller coaster these days. So many updates, so little focus.
The pain has absolutely knocked me off my feet these last few days. The pain from the top of my spine is troublesome but the real issue is my lower back right now. This is a new area for this pain and it takes me some time to acclimatize to it, I suppose. I can’t lie flat on my back or front because it forces my lumbar spine straight….I have a pretty bad sway in my posture there, always have, and forcing it straight is not working out…the pain gets so bad I can’t lie still for more than a few minutes at a time. My shoulders and neck don’t like me sleeping on my sides so I’m out of options unless I learn to sleep standing up (wouldn’t be much of a stretch these days!) Dayne helped me build a little nest on my half of the bed with foam wedges that keep my legs and upper body both elevated (so I sleep in a V shape) which seems to take some of the pressure off my sore parts…aka my entire spine. I had to up the arthritis meds but they seem to kick the sleeping issue into high-gear so the stimulant is no longer keeping me awake. Yesterday my doc told me to double the stimulant dose so I’m trying that….working so far so, hopefully things will balance out soon. I have an appointment with my rheumatologist next month to review my meds and likely get another set of scans done and I’ll have my sleep consult (sigh) early December. Maybe between everyone I’ll finally find a way to not sleep my life away, only waking every few minutes from the pain. (This is starting to wear me down, this never-ending battle).
My dreams are always vivid but the new med is making them ultra-violet, bells, whistles and fireworks vivid. They’re not necessarily scary or unsettling but wow, are they ever intense. I have been dreaming of my ex landlords since we moved out of their place, always them being jerks to us and coming after us for damages or trying to force us out of the house by tearing it down around us. It’s every night too….kind of annoying. I keep dreaming of the old house flooding, burning down, falling apart….last night we were still in there when they came in to renovate everything for their daughter. They threw our stuff in the rain out front and just started tearing at the walls. I was getting really frustrated with them for being so invasive and disrespectful but they were trying so hard to get rid of us they couldn’t have cared less. I decided to just go to sleep and avoid them at 2:00 in the afternoon but they kept waking me up, just to make me more upset. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that things are so much better now and I’m letting go of the things I thought we had to suffer to say in town or if I’m quietly worried that they are judging and blaming us for not …. well, not what? Fixing their crappy house for them for free? I don’t know what my crazy brain is worrying over. I spent some time looking back at photos we took to protect ourselves if they happened to try to hold us liable and felt better. I would show you guys but I’m embarrassed that I even lived there, let alone let my son live there. The place was neglected and falling apart at the seams.
Work – well that’s a stressful topic I’d just as soon ignore. Things are entirely out of hand here and now I’ve been called into a meeting to justify my lieu time. The managers know that the workload is unreasonable and are wanting to take action now that there are things I’m not getting done. I spoke with one this morning and emailed the other (who was off site today) but she’s not bothered to answer me. That makes me nervous. All of the negative cyclic thoughts are ringing through my head (and my gut is just turning and turning) as I feel like I’m failing…screwing up….a total impostor here and about to get caught. The one boss was telling me the other feels unsupported and is overwhelmed with work she’s having to do for herself. I know for a fact that she spends her time micromanaging everyone to death, which is where most of her time is spent, but the one boss said the other has managed it all in the past just fine….so…? What then? It’s my fault? I asked her thoughts on that but she avoided the question. I’m trying as hard as I can to get a ridiculous amount of work done in far too little time and there’s only so much I can do, I know, but it still feels like I should be able to handle more. It always does so I know it’s not a great indicator of reality but my brain and heart are two different beasts entirely when it comes to this stuff. I’m caught between panic and calm, logic and desire. I want to be the best at this job and I want to never let the bosses down but even working 10 hour days (and getting paid for 7.5) isn’t making a bit of difference in how satisfied they are with me. Now I’m still in trouble, still behind, still struggling only I’m working for free on top of it. :S Will see how things go. Not much I can do about it all now aside from prepare.
And then that friend of mine who is so hurtful and dismissive to me… I want, so much, for things to work because I need him in my life but he’s just not making it possible. He’s looking for something very specific and whatever it is, it’s not in me. He wants it to be…he punishes me for it not being there but no matter how I try to twist myself into the size and shape he wants, I fail because his desires are reality just don’t coincide. I need to stop letting him tear me down the way he does. I spend a stupid amount of time just trying to convince him that I care and once that is established I have to convince him that he’s important and then worried about or thought of or … on and on and on….he’s never satisfied. I’m always left feeling worthless and unwanted and he’s always smugly sitting on his end of things telling me I’m a failure at being anything I’ve ever attempted to be with him. Time to let go of the fact that he means so much to me and let him go live his life how he wishes to, without me. I have too much good around me now to let his bitterness muddy the waters.
Okay…sleeping, pain, work, jerks I hold onto for far too long…that about covers it for the week. I was spending some time with my photo portfolio last night and came upon some old favourites of mine. I think I’ll start posting some of them here on a more regular basis. I do have a blog that is only for my photography but it’s fun to break up the mood here by injecting something I love.