A friend of mine read my last blog and wrote me a one sentence email that said:
“Has it ever occurred to you – I think that you need someone who makes a big deal out of absolutely everything.”
At first, that put me right off and I was annoyed that he was judging me but then I thought about it some and realized he’s probably quite right. I know I don’t have the worst life in the universe and for those of you who read my blog, you’ll know I’m pretty dramatic and emotionally overblown in the moment….particularly right in the thick of it all, when I’m panicking and feeling all disillusioned and let down. I do realize that a sleep disorder, ptsd, an attachment disorder and chronic pain from my arthritic spine and all that goes along with it are NOT the worst problems I could have. In fact, I’m pretty lucky in the end. The pain won’t kill me, the additional hours of sleep won’t kill me, my disabled child is thriving in his own way and it’s so bad off he’ll need to live in a group home when he grows up. The ptsd and depression is a pain but I have the power to heal a lot of that and have done so in the past decade….but I’m not seriously mentally ill and unable to work like some poor souls are. The friendlessness is hard sometimes but I have the ability to draw people to me when I need to feel less lonely, particularly at work where everyone is easy to get along with and we all just want to go home at the end of the day (no pressure for social events or wanting more more more – just a great group of humans who will chat with me and we can all feel good about not having to call each other every weekend to catch up). Really, life is okay.
So if life is okay, then why do I make such a big deal out of things? It’s just how I feel inside. I don’t sound like my mind is racing a million miles a minute in person but what is raging inside of me is still there, even when I’m still on the outside. I feel things enormously. I don’t know how to change that (or if I would even want to, were I able). I like the overwhelming wave of emotions in some cases.
This morning I was driving into work and had my phone plugged into my car stereo. A song came on that I love and I let it slide into my head and kind of stepped back to let whatever feelings it drew out flow. The song has the warmest strings in the beginning and, being a music major in school, I almost can’t help but interpret and pick out the sounds, one by one. I paid attention to the strings first and then the drums. Then I let the guitar and piano lines merge into one and I connected like I do….feeling like an 8-track recorder playing all the sounds individually but also at once. My major was always vocal so that part always speaks to me quite clearly, however it’s the subtleties in the accompaniment that makes my heart start to beat faster and my breathing sync with the time signature of the piece. From the inside it feels quite like each part of the music is a single line of emotion that runs inside, outside and all around me. When I get to sing on top of all that beautiful sound turned emotion I can express things in song that I’ve never even been close to touching on in real life, without the music.
That might not have made much sense but it’s a huge, expressive, emotionally connective and draining and wonderful experience all at once and it happens to me, pretty much, every single morning on my drive in. I just have to find the right song that my heart needs to connect with on that particular day. It’s not hard because I most often wake with song in my head and it somehow links the awake me back to the dream me and all the stuff that is usually lost in between suddenly makes sense.
This is a piece of how I experience the world. Over blown, over exaggerated, whatever it is…it’s a part of me and better yet, it’s one of the parts I’ve learned to love.