Drama Queen

A friend of mine read my last blog and wrote me a one sentence email that said:

“Has it ever occurred to you – I think that you need someone who makes a big deal out of absolutely everything.”

At first, that put me right off and I was annoyed that he was judging me but then I thought about it some and realized he’s probably quite right.  I know I don’t have the worst life in the universe and for those of you who read my blog, you’ll know I’m pretty dramatic and emotionally overblown in the moment….particularly right in the thick of it all, when I’m panicking and feeling all disillusioned and let down.  I do realize that a sleep disorder, ptsd, an attachment disorder and chronic pain from my arthritic spine and all that goes along with it are NOT the worst problems I could have.  In fact, I’m pretty lucky in the end.  The pain won’t kill me, the additional hours of sleep won’t kill me, my disabled child is thriving in his own way and it’s so bad off he’ll need to live in a group home when he grows up.  The ptsd and depression is a pain but I have the power to heal a lot of that and have done so in the past decade….but I’m not seriously mentally ill and unable to work like some poor souls are.  The friendlessness is hard sometimes but I have the ability to draw people to me when I need to feel less lonely, particularly at work where everyone is easy to get along with and we all just want to go home at the end of the day (no pressure for social events or wanting more more more – just a great group of humans who will chat with me and we can all feel good about not having to call each other every weekend to catch up).  Really, life is okay.

So if life is okay, then why do I make such a big deal out of things?  It’s just how I feel inside.  I don’t sound like my mind is racing a million miles a minute in person but what is raging inside of me is still there, even when I’m still on the outside.  I feel things enormously.  I don’t know how to change that (or if I would even want to, were I able).  I like the overwhelming wave of emotions in some cases.

This morning I was driving into work and had my phone plugged into my car stereo.  A song came on that I love and I let it slide into my head and kind of stepped back to let whatever feelings it drew out flow.  The song has the warmest strings in the beginning and, being a music major in school, I almost can’t help but interpret and pick out the sounds, one by one.  I paid attention to the strings first and then the drums.  Then I let the guitar and piano lines merge into one and I connected like I do….feeling like an 8-track recorder playing all the sounds individually but also at once.  My major was always vocal so that part always speaks to me quite clearly, however it’s the subtleties in the accompaniment that makes my heart start to beat faster and my breathing sync with the time signature of the piece.  From the inside it feels quite like each part of the music is a single line of emotion that runs inside, outside and all around me.  When I get to sing on top of all that beautiful sound turned emotion I can express things in song that I’ve never even been close to touching on in real life, without the music.

That might not have made much sense but it’s a huge, expressive, emotionally connective and draining and wonderful experience all at once and it happens to me, pretty much, every single morning on my drive in.  I just have to find the right song that my heart needs to connect with on that particular day.  It’s not hard because I most often wake with song in my head and it somehow links the awake me back to the dream me and all the stuff that is usually lost in between suddenly makes sense.

This is a piece of how I experience the world.  Over blown, over exaggerated, whatever it is…it’s a part of me and better yet, it’s one of the parts I’ve learned to love.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

16 responses to “Drama Queen”

  1. KittyHere says :

    I would not call you a drama queen. Your life contains too much drama. That is not your fault. The fact you cope as well as you do makes you the opposite of a drama queen in my book.

    • Grainne says :

      xoxoxo Will answer shortly. You guys overwhelmed me with love. (hugs)

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you Kitty – I really appreciate that, particularly from you…I think I’ve known you the longest out of all the people on this blog site. You were with me pretty much from my PTSD diagnosis forward and have always had my back. I wish there was more I could do for you. xx

      I know I shouldn’t be so bothered by what people think of me but I can’t seem to help it at times. The last thing I want to be is a drama queen….I hate being thought of as an emotional taker too. (hugs) Thanks for being here for me.

  2. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Ok written word is misleading… Because I interpreted the sentence as you need someone who is over dramatic so that you can see how much your life does suck and you ride on through. Not like you are dramatic.

    But I also don’t know the person.

    And I would not necessarily listen to that person because unless they also suffer from AT LEAST one thing you struggle with they will never understand the difficulties.

    It takes strength to wake up with everything you have and you are allowed to vent on here; it’s not being dramatic. I hate that they are minimizing your feelings. It makes me angry.

    You are allowed to feel how you feel and fuck people who tell you how to feel! In CBT we know there is the triangle: thoughts, feelings, emotions. The one you CANT change: feelings.

    So do not let this person’s jaded interpretation being you down and call you a drama queen. That seems to be everyone’s response to things they don’t understand when it comes to pain and suffering.

    On a positive note, glad it helped you explore your music more.

    • Grainne says :

      ❤ Well! That made me feel so much better – thank you. xxx I actually tried to explain this to my friend and he instantly shot back that I used to force him to sit through hours of 'coaching' me through depression and anxiety when we were first getting to know each other. I almost threw up when I read that….I was being open with someone for the first time

    • Grainne says :

      Trying not to cry in my office. Thank you love. I’ll answer this when I get home tonight. xox

    • Grainne says :

      Feeling more composed now, sitting in my dark office with everyone else gone. I actually like this place when I’m all alone here.

      My friend is prone to saying things that he knows will get a reaction out of me and if he’s angry with me it’s usually a bad reaction he goes for. I don’t really understand why but he’s one of the few people on this earth that I really, really, really want to like me. It’s probably mostly because he doesn’t … or likes to make me think he doesn’t. I don’t know. :S

      Thanks for reminding me that this is my place to vent though….I needed to hear that. I don’t like bending myself into pretzels to make sure everyone is judging me fairly or sees me in a good light but it’s an instinct that sometimes just takes over. I feel better thanks to you guys and your love, now.

      xox I’m glad you’re starting to get back up on your feet too. I owe you an email…will come soon. love you xx

      • The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

        I’m the same way. I’m always worried about what other people think of me. It is hard to change. But it is something I am working on. But I also know people like that too.

        And do not let anyone ruin your safe space. This is your safe space.

  3. Birdie says :

    I am not sure what your “friend” is getting at. The curt one line e mail makes no sense. However, I will go with your interpretation. Being one line and starting with, “Has it ever occurred to you” can’t be written with love, compassion and understanding. Fuck, Grainne. It is hard enough to live on this planet when you are healthy and strong, never mind having a progressive debilitating disease, all other things aside. And I have to wonder what you see in a person that treats you like shit? Is this a follow through with the rest of the people in your life that have treated you like you don’t matter?

    I was going to say sorry for my high-mindedness but this world needs more love and compassion and your friend sounds like an asshole. No, I am not sorry. You deserve better.

    Has it ever occurred to you – that you have had a lifetime of trauma, starting with not one but both parents dying. That poor wee baby. How confused and lost she must have been. But no language to express the loss and if she did nobody that even cared. Then a “father” that sexually violates you and then thinks it a good idea to let the neighbour have a go. Oh, and lets add on living on the street, having a disease that could very well end your life and a child that will never be able to live independently. Oh, and a sleep disorder! And lets add some icing on this cake with an asshole boss. Just because you need something that normal and healthy people have to deal with.

    Has it ever occurred to you- that you are an incredibly strong woman? Has it ever occurred to you – that you have been living hell on earth and still manage to get up (I use that term loosely because, well the fucking sleep issue) each day and go to work? Has it ever occurred to you – that most of these things standing alone would be too much for most people and yet you continue on?

    Has it?
    Has it?

    I am amazed by your strength. Your strength of character, strength of spirit and strength of body. Fuck the people that are a part of a long line of people that treat you like you do not matter. You do matter. And I hope that this has occurred to you.

    • Grainne says :

      You guys….I’m in tears in my office. I’m going to read this again and answer you when I get home.

      Thank you so much.

    • Violet says :

      I want to “like” your comment Birdie, but I can’t find the button.

      Yeah, anyone who starts a sentence of, “has it occurred to you” and then basically accuses you of being a drama queen can go fuck himself. It sounds like has serious boundary issues and passive aggressive tendencies. If he didn’t like sitting through “hours of coaching” then why didn’t he set a boundary or tell you he was uncomfortable? If he thinks you’re such a drama queen maybe he should have exited the relationship, instead of passive aggressively ripping you apart now. It seems pretty abusive to me. Do yourself a favor (and apparently him a favor too) and cut this guy out of your life.

      This video comes to mind after reading his comment:

    • Grainne says :

      Birdie I wish I could reach right through this screen and hug you so hard. I’m not sure I deserve such accolades but from you they mean so much. Just…thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I can feel how much you care from here and you’re always there in the background cheering me on. As odd as it sounds, I forget these things sometimes….I make myself believe that it was all just run of the mill and I have a bit of a god complex, really….one that makes me think I should be able to cope with ANYTHING and do it absolutely perfectly. You remind me that I’m human. I reeeeeeeally needed that today, particularly.

      Much love from me. You are so appreciated from here. xoxox

    • Grainne says :

      (I think all my comments got out of order! See below if you didn’t see the one I left you Birdie) xox

  4. amazingtechnicolorbutterfly says :

    Beautifully described. I find that with music, but with art and poetry too. One song I love, which has no words, is Silence Speaks by Secret Garden. YouTube it. I played the violin part on flute with a pianist and it was so amazing to get so caught up in it.

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