Second verse, same as the first
I feel so disconnected from the world today. There’s nothing going on aside from dreams…I’m trapped inside them and I feel like I can’t get out. I spend more time sleeping than awake; dreaming than experiencing life. I don’t know how to get out of this loop.
The pain is getting worse as the weather cools and I’m trying to find my balance again…a middle ground. It will come, I know, I just need to be patient with myself and allow things to be as they are. It shouldn’t take me long to acclimatize.
The dreams though…I can’t get used to them. Last night I was dreaming that I went home to visit my foster family. My mother was filling the back of the car with things like she used to when we were in each other’s lives. Every time I went for a visit she would give me her old linens and blankets, furniture she no longer used, house plants that had worn out their welcome. She would pack up food for me sometimes – I think it was all guilt form when she tossed me onto the streets as a teen. We didn’t talk for years then…but, after I got pregnant I couldn’t deal with the idea of not allowing my baby’s grandparents into his life. Silly me….they didn’t care anyway.
I’m trying to keep it together. I’m slipping though. I’m going to see my family doctor tomorrow to ask for help again. I’ve been there several times asking for help but she’s not interested in doing much until after the sleep study in December. The sleeping issue got really bad last January which is when the referral was put in – I’ve waited since then for the appointment and my doc just keeps blowing me off. I’m going to tell her I need one of two things to help me through this….something to help me stay awake for 12 hours a day, at least, or she needs to help me get my hours reduced at work until this is worked out. She refuses me both every time I see her but I’m taking Dayne for back up tomorrow. Hopefully she’ll listen, finally. She takes her time with these things though….terrible chronic pain and constantly dropping off to sleep aren’t serious conditions to her, and I get it….I’m not dying and even though I’m having to fight falling asleep constantly and miss out on the rest of life because all I do is sleep, it’s not the worst thing in the world. Not sleeping at all would be worse, I think. I need her help though. I’ve had to fight her for everything she has ever done for me in the 20 plus years she’s been my doctor, well, except for the antidepressants, anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety meds which she gave me massive quantities of and had little problem with. *Sigh*
So, I’m going to try again. What more can I do? I’ve been in a loop of falling asleep on my feet since 1015 this morning. Eyes are closing, vision won’t stay steady while it blurs and doubles, I’m actively falling asleep and every semi-loud noise startles me so I visibly jump in my seat. I feel tranquilized and so tired I can barely life my fingers to type. I went to sleep at 5:00 yesterday after I got home and slept soundly until I got up for work today. Did the same the day before and also slept most of the weekend away. Dayne is mad at me for not being able to hold up my end of the housework and care of Colt. He has no one to talk to. I try but I’m so tired the moment I stop I’m asleep. It’s not that I’m ‘tired’ all the time….it’s a constant, conscious battle not to drop off and sleep anywhere I happen to be at any given time regardless of how much sleep I’ve had recently. No one seems to be all that bothered by this aside from me and the people who see me do nothing but go to and from work and stress out while I’m there.
Too much. Can’t do this forever. Don’t know how to fix it. Don’t even know how to fucking influence it. What do I do?