Second verse, same as the first

I feel so disconnected from the world today.  There’s nothing going on aside from dreams…I’m trapped inside them and I feel like I can’t get out.  I spend more time sleeping than awake; dreaming than experiencing life.  I don’t know how to get out of this loop.

The pain is getting worse as the weather cools and I’m trying to find my balance again…a middle ground.  It will come, I know, I just need to be patient with myself and allow things to be as they are.  It shouldn’t take me long to acclimatize.

The dreams though…I can’t get used to them.  Last night I was dreaming that I went home to visit my foster family.  My mother was filling the back of the car with things like she used to when we were in each other’s lives.  Every time I went for a visit she would give me her old linens and blankets, furniture she no longer used, house plants that had worn out their welcome.  She would pack up food for me sometimes – I think it was all guilt form when she tossed me onto the streets as a teen.  We didn’t talk for years then…but, after I got pregnant I couldn’t deal with the idea of not allowing my baby’s grandparents into his life.  Silly me….they didn’t care anyway.

I’m trying to keep it together.  I’m slipping though.  I’m going to see my family doctor tomorrow to ask for help again.  I’ve been there several times asking for help but she’s not interested in doing much until after the sleep study in December.  The sleeping issue got really bad last January which is when the referral was put in – I’ve waited since then for the appointment and my doc just keeps blowing me off.  I’m going to tell her I need one of two things to help me through this….something to help me stay awake for 12 hours a day, at least, or she needs to help me get my hours reduced at work until this is worked out.  She refuses me both every time I see her but I’m taking Dayne for back up tomorrow.  Hopefully she’ll listen, finally.  She takes her time with these things though….terrible chronic pain and constantly dropping off to sleep aren’t serious conditions to her, and I get it….I’m not dying and even though I’m having to fight falling asleep constantly and miss out on the rest of life because all I do is sleep, it’s not the worst thing in the world.  Not sleeping at all would be worse, I think.  I need her help though.  I’ve had to fight her for everything she has ever done for me in the 20 plus years she’s been my doctor, well, except for the antidepressants, anti-psychotics and anti-anxiety meds which she gave me massive quantities of and had little problem with.  *Sigh*

So, I’m going to try again.  What more can I do?  I’ve been in a loop of falling asleep on my feet since 1015 this morning.  Eyes are closing, vision won’t stay steady while it blurs and doubles, I’m actively falling asleep and every semi-loud noise startles me so I visibly jump in my seat.  I feel tranquilized and so tired I can barely life my fingers to type.  I went to sleep at 5:00 yesterday after I got home and slept soundly until I got up for work today.  Did the same the day before and also slept most of the weekend away.  Dayne is mad at me for not being able to hold up my end of the housework and care of Colt.  He has no one to talk to.  I try but I’m so tired the moment I stop I’m asleep.  It’s not that I’m ‘tired’ all the time….it’s a constant, conscious battle not to drop off and sleep anywhere I happen to be at any given time regardless of how much sleep I’ve had recently.  No one seems to be all that bothered by this aside from me and the people who see me do nothing but go to and from work and stress out while I’m there.

Too much.  Can’t do this forever.  Don’t know how to fix it.  Don’t even know how to fucking influence it.  What do I do?

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

3 responses to “Second verse, same as the first”

  1. Birdie says :

    My guess is you are not able to get in to see a new doctor. We have over 100, 000 people in my city (including the outskirts) and not one doctor is taking new patients.
    Have you hounded the sleep clinic about getting in on a cancellation?

    • Grainne says :

      Yep we are in the same spot over here too. There are so many really sick people who need care who are without a family doctor it’s near impossible to get a new one when you already have one. They have contracts here too…we have to refuse the physicians care in writing before a discharge will be done. Plus, she’s been my doc for a long time even though she kind of sucks.

      I did try the clinic several times last week because the secretary won’t answer my calls or return messages. I pulled rank and wrote her through the hospital email and she opened the message but didn’t respond. I’ve sent three now just trying to get her to confirm my December appointment day and that I’m actually on he cancellation list. I was told the list moves fast but have not had a single call. Of course, it is a new girl so who knows of if the other one actually added me. I’ve tried the clinic line too, not just he doc who is seeing me but they don’t answer their phone or take messages. I’m not sure how people are supposed to reach them. I guess with a year long wait list there’s not much to say to people. Xx

  2. ambivalencegirl says :

    I just looked up treatment for sleep disorders (narcolepsy) and I didn’t realize that meds like Ritalin, adderal, Dexedrine etc… Have you been checked for MS? Not that I’m researching or anything like that! And not much in the way of natural remedies but things that can maybe help manage narcolepsy include calcium and magnesium, choline, chromium picolinate, coenzyme Q10, omega-3 fatty acids, B vitamins, vitamin C complex (including bioflavonoids) and vitamins D and E. Some research suggests that the supplement 5-HTP may help those with narcolepsy by reducing the duration of cataplexy and improving nighttime sleep. I’m against medications for the most part except when I’m in self destruct mode. So I like trying holistic approaches.

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