I hate it when this happens (no I don’t)
Stop. You do have control! It’s just another thing to test you because you can! That is all. It is a lot there’s no lie about it. It’s not all perceptual control it is control. You do have it.
Do not let these bosses derail you and your accomplishments. Otherwise you are letting them win. And that’s like sayin to Colt, let your bullies win.
Fuck. It’s true isn’t it? I forget that Colt understands things like this sometimes. I think, because he didn’t talk for so long and didn’t even look at you when you, say, walked into daycare after 8 hours away with a big smile looking forward to seeing your little one. (Seriously, that was the worst. “Hi my sweet boy!” I’d ring out, so happy to see him. He’d look over his shoulder, maybe blink once, look back at what he was doing, sigh because I’d interrupted his constant, repetitive motion, and go back to it. lol..) He didn’t notice when someone was hurt or upset, or happy….actually, he didn’t seem to notice anything at all. Of course, Dayne and I were all ‘watch your language!’ around him as a baby, then a toddler…but honestly, by the time he was nearly five and still barely talked and never, ever engaged with us (me!!! He freaking adored his father from the moment of birth. That kid owes me a big freaking hug when I get home…;) we kind of gave up. It wasn’t like he was repeating words or listening to us…or so we thought. Then, quite suddenly, we found ourselves with a child in grade three who had the filthiest mouth I’ve ever heard. He told his gym teacher to ‘suck his balls’ one day (and I won’t lie, I laughed until I nearly puked. That guy is an asshat if I’ve ever seen one). Anyway, lesson learned was that he understood far, far more than we had realized. Just because he wasn’t actively paying mind to what we were saying, didn’t mean he didn’t get it. Whoops.
Anyway, so we’ve managed to correct that mistake but I do tend to forget it applies just as much to emotional situations as it does social ones. He knows mom gets tired a lot and needs extra sleep. He knows I have a sore back and headaches sometimes that I need to rest through. He understands that his dad doesn’t like his job because Dayne makes sure to demonstrate those things in a constructive way so Colt can benefit from Dayne’s lessons and growth (he was a wild kid…had no family, no one to love him, got in to a load of trouble and was so hurt and lost that he came out angry as anything. It took having Colt and needing to show the child a good example that helped him grow through those behaviours so he is careful to work though things of that nature with Colt so that they can both benefit. It’s pretty amazing to watch them because I’ll see Dayne start to handle a situation so maturely and with such grace and then, suddenly, the school will call with the same comments about Colt’s behavior. Cool eh?)
….I’m not sure what’s with all the parenthesis today. I’m thinking in five directions at once.
Point. He gets it. Colt may not understand the finer details of it all but he knows I’m working very hard and that my bosses are often disappointed in me. He sees the exhaustion. He asks me how my day was and if I feel good about how hard I tried, even if I didn’t get all my work done. He is eleven guys. Eleven and pretty severely disabled. I don’t think I could be more proud of him right now. Between Cassie’s advice and Colt’s bravery and beauty, I’m forcing a perspective shift here.
You people….the ones of you with me here….you don’t realize it, but you change my life so much for the better. I love you guys. xx