Coming undone…

I feel like a little mouse trapped in the corner of the room by a huge, hungry cat.  I feel like I did when I was a little girl and I heard the front door open at 3 am when my dad came stumbling home from the pup, dead drunk.  I feel like I’m about to get grounded or in trouble for something that I can’t defend against.  I feel like no one will believe me when I tell.  I feel like no one will care, even if they do believe me.

Mike writes that he’s glad I’m having a bad week too so he doesn’t have to feel so alone in his.  I’m not glad I’m having a bad week.  I feel like all of the gains I have made over the last five years are slipping away from me faster than I can run.  I was doing SO well guys.  I had therapy all under control and I worked through so many painful memories and issues…I faced up to what I really was and I made positive changes; I learned to be thankful for things I had forgotten were important.  I learned to love myself more than I ever have.

I got the depression under control.  I stopped having flashbacks and panic attacks.  I learned to manage the anxiety without medication.  I was strong enough to go find help for all of this plus started looking into what was wrong with my back.  That was hard….getting that done, particularly since the outcome was just “your spine is fucked and you’ll be in pain for the rest of your life.  Oh, and it will get progressively worse as you go, as a bonus.”  So.  I learned to manage the pain.  I learned how to believe in myself as a mother and effectively loved and raised my disabled son while advocating for him like a mama lion without alienating all of the people he has to work with in the school system.  I stood up firm and cut ties with my toxic family and never looked back.  I kept working full time, didn’t let the past affect my present….  I managed to get my life back on track.  And now, I’m looking narcolepsy dead in the eyes and I’m TRYING so hard to overcome it but it keeps winning…keeps pushing me back.  I was still okay though, with all of that, until the bosses started in on me and the failure and self-worth fears overcame me and now I feel like I’m right back where I started?

Was it all just an illusion?  Did I never really have control?  Did I never really overcome any of it?  Did I just employ a stubborn sense of denial and a handful of dissociative tricks to avoid dealing with it all while thinking I was dealing with it all?  I can’t tell you how gutting that thought is.  I very nearly fainted when I just wrote that…the reality of it all spinning my head.

I just want to be free of this.  I just want to be a normal, functioning human being.  I want to be able to let people into my house.  The water company had to come into my house the other night to install a new meter that they can read remotely so they can start charging water use in real time.  Dayne was home and dealt with the guy who was quick and pleasant enough. I thought I was fine, holed up in my room with the door closed (and barricaded) but just after he left I fell apart.  I got in the shower to hide my freak out but the panic was thudding in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe for the longest time.  I want to be able to not do that.  Please.  I just don’t know how.

I’m sitting here in my office now, terrified that everything is coming undone.

Need to focus on something positive.  Now.  Going to hide in the locker room and look at pics of Colt’s birthday like Cassie suggested.  That should help.  He always helps me focus.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Coming undone…”

  1. Violet says :

    Breathe Grianne…you will get through this, as you have gotten through everything else. The problem is that life is full of ups and downs, and lots of middles in between. It wasn’t an illusion that you were coping and doing well for the past couple years…it’s just that things are more difficult now with a new diagnosis pending. Things like that throw everyone for a loop. You will learn with time to adjust your coping, but in the meantime you’re going to feel like crap. I’m handling my own mountain of shit at the moment and also feel like crap. We will both get through though, because we have survived countless loads of shit before this and know we have deep wells of strength within us. Hang in there.

  2. Birdie says :

    Grainne, I am really getting worried about you. It seems you are stuc between a rock and a hard place with your boss. It is so easy to say quit your job but you need to stay with it at least until you get a diagnosis so you can collect E.I. and/or disability. The only thing I can think of is call the sleep clinic every few days and try to get in on a cancellation. That is how I ended getting in weeks earlier.

  3. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Stop. You do have control! It’s just another thing to test you because you can! That is all. It is a lot there’s no lie about it. It’s not all perceptual control it is control. You do have it.

    Do not let these bosses derail you and your accomplishments. Otherwise you are letting them win. And that’s like sayin to Colt, let your bullies win.

    • Grainne says :

      Oooooh geez…nice one! You’re absolutely right…I have not once though this stopped to think of the message it sends Colt. I mean, I don’t discuss any of this around him but that kid has an intuitiveness that is frightening sometimes.

      That was a slap I needed. Okay. Perspective shift in 3…2…1… (go!) xx

      • The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

        Kids are SO freaky like that!! I have done personal research with my experience with kids and I think as we age we lose our intuitiveness as we are not encouraged to use it. Kids rely on it as part of their self defense mechanisms.

        Kids sense things and just know–infants are the most sensitive and it is only lost as we get older. I feel like thanks to technology and a selfish society, we lose it at a more rapid rate. :/

  4. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Ok just saw the bottom part. Did looking at the pics help? Yay birthday pics!!! Sometimes visuals take us back to happy moments!!

    Also, try TIPS!!! Temperature [ice cold or hot…so splash cold water on face or put ice on back of neck, drink hot tea] INTENSE exercise, and I forgot the p and s. I’ll get back to you on those. But they also help ground you in moments of panic and need to refocus.

    • Grainne says :

      (Lmao!!! Ahh screw the P and S…lolol…omg that has me howling! haha…I’m at work, it’s 630 in the damn morning, I’m drinking a pepsi and I’m pissy as hell because I came in so early but I knew it would help. xoxox You are amazing, my friend. Thank you)

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