I feel like a little mouse trapped in the corner of the room by a huge, hungry cat. I feel like I did when I was a little girl and I heard the front door open at 3 am when my dad came stumbling home from the pup, dead drunk. I feel like I’m about to get grounded or in trouble for something that I can’t defend against. I feel like no one will believe me when I tell. I feel like no one will care, even if they do believe me.
Mike writes that he’s glad I’m having a bad week too so he doesn’t have to feel so alone in his. I’m not glad I’m having a bad week. I feel like all of the gains I have made over the last five years are slipping away from me faster than I can run. I was doing SO well guys. I had therapy all under control and I worked through so many painful memories and issues…I faced up to what I really was and I made positive changes; I learned to be thankful for things I had forgotten were important. I learned to love myself more than I ever have.
I got the depression under control. I stopped having flashbacks and panic attacks. I learned to manage the anxiety without medication. I was strong enough to go find help for all of this plus started looking into what was wrong with my back. That was hard….getting that done, particularly since the outcome was just “your spine is fucked and you’ll be in pain for the rest of your life. Oh, and it will get progressively worse as you go, as a bonus.” So. I learned to manage the pain. I learned how to believe in myself as a mother and effectively loved and raised my disabled son while advocating for him like a mama lion without alienating all of the people he has to work with in the school system. I stood up firm and cut ties with my toxic family and never looked back. I kept working full time, didn’t let the past affect my present…. I managed to get my life back on track. And now, I’m looking narcolepsy dead in the eyes and I’m TRYING so hard to overcome it but it keeps winning…keeps pushing me back. I was still okay though, with all of that, until the bosses started in on me and the failure and self-worth fears overcame me and now I feel like I’m right back where I started?
Was it all just an illusion? Did I never really have control? Did I never really overcome any of it? Did I just employ a stubborn sense of denial and a handful of dissociative tricks to avoid dealing with it all while thinking I was dealing with it all? I can’t tell you how gutting that thought is. I very nearly fainted when I just wrote that…the reality of it all spinning my head.
I just want to be free of this. I just want to be a normal, functioning human being. I want to be able to let people into my house. The water company had to come into my house the other night to install a new meter that they can read remotely so they can start charging water use in real time. Dayne was home and dealt with the guy who was quick and pleasant enough. I thought I was fine, holed up in my room with the door closed (and barricaded) but just after he left I fell apart. I got in the shower to hide my freak out but the panic was thudding in my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe for the longest time. I want to be able to not do that. Please. I just don’t know how.
I’m sitting here in my office now, terrified that everything is coming undone.
Need to focus on something positive. Now. Going to hide in the locker room and look at pics of Colt’s birthday like Cassie suggested. That should help. He always helps me focus.