!@#$%

My head is pounding.  I went home early yesterday because I just couldn’t do it for one more second (without sobbing in my office with its exposing windowed walls) so I begged off at about 1:00.  My head was screaming with pain.  My neck gets out of control when the stress goes up – the muscles are generally locked in place because my spine is so badly degenerated through my cervical spine that my body compensates and tries to protect it.  The locked muscles squeeze the vertebra and the nerves that are trapped get even more crushed and the pain skyrockets.  Once the pain goes up I get more tense and it starts to feel like I can’t get any blood to my brain … then the headache begins and it gets worse and worse until I start to sweat and vomit, shaking on the floor with both hands clamped to my head, unstoppable tears flowing .  When I cry, something inside my head seems to swell and the headache reaches new highs…sometimes I black out, it gets so bad.  So.  That’s about where I was headed when I decided to leave yesterday.  Also, the stress caused an instant crash….I was totally exhausted and my body started going into sleep/shut down mode.  Eyelids wouldn’t stay open, dreams started flickering on the edges of my mind…I started seeing double images, one real, one not….couldn’t stay focused on conscious thoughts.  A friend drove home behind me, just to be safe (she’s retired and offered to help should I ever need it) and I pulled into my drive way and rested my head against the steering wheel for a moment.  My friend drove off with a wave and the next thing I remember is waking up with my face all mashed into the hole on my steering wheel.  I stumbled out of my car, looking drunk….(oh my what will the neighbours think?) and clumsily opened the front door.  I kept locking the deadbolt and unlocking the door then locking the door and unlocking the deadbolt.  *Sigh*  I finally got into my house and I fell onto the couch, shoes on, bag over my shoulder, and that was me until 2 am when I woke and moved to the bed.

I woke up so tired.

I dreamed I was working on a cruise ship that had been taken over by pirates.  I was wearing a pair of super tight jeans and a pair of impossibly high high heels (that I freaking loved).  My boss, the bitchy one from real life, was there and kept telling me I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans while I was working but because the customers seemed to like it so much, she was letting me away with it.  I snuck into a bathroom and found a stash of fancy, gourmet chocolate in a cupboard and started to gorge myself on it, the entire time berating myself because I knew the skinny jeans wouldn’t fit after I was done.

Hah.

Anyway.  My head is killing me and I’m drop dead tired and now I’m even more behind at work.  I don’t want to be here.  I want to sleep.  I want to cry.

Hahaha….oooh fml.  I just thought I’d maybe try my family doc to see if she’s had a change of heart and is willing to treat me for the narcolepsy SHE told me she thinks I have before the study in December.  I just can’t deal with all of this at once.  The pain, the headaches, the exhaustion, the work stress, the everything else stress….and Colt goes back to school in less than two weeks.  How am I going to manage that change for him while I’m barely able to hold onto what I currently have going?  So…called the doc.

“Okay Grainne, let’s get you in for….Sept 17th?  Would that work for you?”

Wait what?  I can’t get into see my family doc for a fifteen fucking minute appointment until the 17th of September?!  That’s nearly a month away.  :S  Honestly?

Damnit.  I’m so tired of all this struggling and fighting to end up nowhere.

I’m going to work my ass off today and try as hard as I can to get a bit caught up here and then I’m going to go home and drink wine until I pass out, be it 530 or midnight.  If I can beat the exhaustion, I might have half a chance of having a dreamless sleep for the first few hours, at least.  Alcohol makes me more tired.  Caffeine makes me more tired.  Sugar does nothing at all.  Food doesn’t help even though I’m eating a very clean diet designed to feed my body and produce energy.  Sleep doesn’t help, rest doesn’t help, ignoring it doesn’t help, fighting it doesn’t help.  I guess I’m out of options today.  Might as well…what?  Keep existing.  It’s all I can think of to do.

(Thank you, my wonderful friends, for all the love and support over the last few days.  I really, really appreciate having you guys in my life.  Just losing the balancing act between good and bad just now.  Will find my way back to more productive living one of these days.  I hope.)  xx

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

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