I’ve had enough

This morning I was met in my office but a few staff members who brought me flowers and wanted to know if I was okay.  I didn’t say anything yesterday to anyone about how rotten my day was, I didn’t have to….they all know.  The group wanted to let me know that the boss (the aggressive one) has been complaining about me to them, or rather, complaining openly about me in their staff office (one large room with about 60 staff stations and meeting space).  She’s making offhand comments like “Grainne better actually book this meeting or she’s going to be in huge trouble…” and crap like that.  I think I already wrote about her stupid bbq poster but to recap, she sent me a document to print and post in the staff room.  I had not posted it because, quite frankly, it was not the highest priority item on my list that day and I was trying to catch up on so much else….another staff member had printed it, however, so I though the matter was resolved.  The boss went into the office, which was full at the time, and declared:

“Grainne was supposed to print that flyer!”

Someone was kind enough to point out the copy on the wall.

“Well yes, but that one is ripped.”  Was the response.

Apparently she’s been doing that a lot.  How unprofessional.  She’s rather well known for that sort of petty behaviour so it comes as no surprise to me or anyone else, but it really eats at me, that kind of bullying.  She’s trying to sway people to her side so she can feel justified in treating me like shit…my father was good at this game too.

So.  I printed up the policy.  Her behaviour falls directly into the bullying category which is against the employment standards act and human rights along with a direct breach of company policy.  I know I only have two options at this point – I have to either back down and just put up with it, work as many hours as I physically can and get everything done while kissing her arse on a minute-to-minute basis or I have to stand up and fight.  (Flight!  Flight!  Cries my every PTSD influenced instinct).  Damn it.

It’s something about me that does this.  Somehow, I fuck things up and bring this behaviour out in people.  I had a hard time with my last two bosses as well…one was a complete jack ass and the other had a god complex so huge he could barely stand to refer to himself as human.  He actually liked me until the courier messed up and didn’t get a poster presentation to him in time for a talk he was giving in Florida one year.  It was because the courier missed the customs pick up but….he got so mad at me that he never really worked with me again…just pretended I didn’t exist and moved offices to another campus (picked up a new contract as well which afforded him a second assistant whom he favoured.  Just dropped me like an unsavory ex.  Can’t even begin to explain what that did to my abandonment and self-worth issues).

But really, why do I piss these people off so much?  Why can’t I just deliver what they expect?  It drives me nuts, thinking on it and trying to sort through it all.  I know, on one hand, that it isn’t all me but how is it that I just keep finding these bosses?  Coincidence?  Karma?  What have I done wrong?  I’ve been VERY clear about how overwhelming this work load is and have tried several times to rework processes but they keep ending up angry that I’m not getting “X” done.  “X”, by the way, becomes whatever it is they have decided to focus on that day.  Sometimes it’s meeting that didn’t get booked and sometimes it comes out of left field entirely.  Yesterday, there was a hissy fit because a piece of equipment used by I don’t know which service appeared without a biomed screening sticker on it.  Firstly, I didn’t even know what the equipment was, secondly, there are assistants in the programs who monitor and maintain this stuff….or so I thought.  I was told, in an angry little diatribe, that the girl who used to do this job ordered, received, processed and inventoried all of the equipment.  All of it.  Why I can’t manage it is becoming a problem.

The problem, really, is that I’m not working 60 hours a week.  I would do, if they’d pay me for it, but my time after 37.5 hours is free.  I’m exhausted all the time, I’m trying to manage this fucking back pain without meds that make me more tired, and two bosses who are triggering my every sore spot in ptsd-land.  I’m starting to feel hopeless and depression is looming quietly in the corner.

Stress leave is starting to look like a good idea.  Sadly, suicide is also equally appealing today.  Eternal sleep is so alluring.  If I wasn’t a mom, I’d have been gone a long time ago, I think.

I don’t think I’ve written about this much in the past few years but I have a fantasy I find so comforting and fall back to often in times like these.  I miss my mom so much….the dead one, and sometimes I imagine myself digging into the ground where she is buried, cracking open the casket she rests in and crawling in next to her.  When I was little, I would imagine using her ribcage to hide in so it could protect me.  I would let the casket close and imagine the sound of the dirt as it rained down into the grave, sealing me in.  It still puts me to sleep some nights.

I wonder, often, what my life might have been like had my parents not died.  I don’t like to think on it too long or I start to get angry at all the things I’ve missed out on.  So much.  Then again, I’ve learned so much by taking this route.  Sadly, on days like today, it all feels pretty fucking useless despite it all.  When I think of the fight I’ve used to get to here and then I put it against how I’m feeling today, I can’t even see the point of it all.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

12 responses to “I’ve had enough”

  1. Ellen says :

    That just sounds so stressful and awful Grainne. I also have had a bunch of ‘bad bosses’ including one bully, and I too have wondered what it is about me that I end up in these situations so often. A big factor for me was not fitting in – bullies will target isolated people. Not saying that’s the case for you though.

    Another thing was I tended to feel guilty about everything. That would make my responses off, and sometimes add fuel to the boss’ fire.

    It’s hard to know what to do. I think I’m more the angry type than you are. I think that in your situation, where you’re already working overtime, you’re trying hard, and they’re still not happy? I’d be tempted to work to rule – do my time, and not a minute more. Take all lunches and breaks, leave on the dot. You’ve already told them the workload goes way beyond one FTE. It really should be their problem that they understaff, not yours. You are not an executive – you’re not getting compensated for giving your life over to the company.

    Are you thinking of making an HR complaint re bullying? Can you apply for a transfer?

    I do know that when being bullied, compliance makes things worse. It is more helpful, in most situations, to stand up for yourself, and point out bullying behaviour.

    I really don’t have any answers because I too struggle. My basic response has been to go contract, so at least badness is time-limited, but that has its drawbacks also.

    Hang in there.

  2. Birdie says :

    I have no suggestions because I was bullied at work. The bully owned the company and there was nothing I could do but quit. Actually, I do suggest that you start documenting. I am sure that you have looked up support online but when I was going through it this site was helpful. http://www.workplacebullying.org/

  3. sleeplydreaming says :

    Grainne, my friend, I’m sending you as much love and light as possible!! I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now. I too understand what it’s like to try and try and feel like I’m never going to succeed. I’m guessing based on some of the things that you’ve said that maybe you live in Canada? If so, stress leave IS a good idea. You have the right to the time, and maybe it will give you a chance to sit back and recover a bit (emotionally if not in other ways too!) and perhaps you’ll find a different job that will be a better fit for you. Going to email you now….

  4. sleeplydreaming says :

    I can’t figure out how to just send you the pic at the top of this post, but I really wanted to share it with you. So take a peek here: https://thefictionatrix.wordpress.com/2015/08/26/pic-tales/

    • Grainne says :

      You are such a warm and giving soul. Thank you so much for everything. Xox

      • sleeplydreaming says :

        ohhhhh…. thank you. ❤ That made me feel so happy. I used to sparkle like that, and all my loved ones say I don't anymore. It makes my heart happy that you, who has only read the CRAP going on in my world and doesn't even know of the good stuff, found a little sparkle in there. 🙂 Xo. Talk soon!

  5. Sheri says :

    I can’t imagine how I would cope if I still had to work. Towards the end, before my brain blew up, it took all I had to get through the day. I had two abusive bosses, a new baby and a toddler. I hope you’ll be able to find a way to a better job.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much. I’m at the end of my rope here so something has to change. I was doing so well…got through so damn much and now here I am again. Makes me mad enough to fight back. Just.

      Much appreciated. Glad to know you aren’t stuck I’m quite the same situation anymore.

  6. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    First of all you can’t leave me. Secondly you have to fight because it’s what I’m doing. Nail her ass!! Get er dun as they say in the south!!!

    My therapist actually says so,stiles it’s about who we attract…the vibes we put out. I haven’t gotten to that part so idk how to offer help on that part.

    I always manage to piss people off because they get jealous. I do have to try.

    So as much as it sucks. Fuck em.

    You’ve got two people to stay for at least: me and colt.

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