I’ve had enough
This morning I was met in my office but a few staff members who brought me flowers and wanted to know if I was okay. I didn’t say anything yesterday to anyone about how rotten my day was, I didn’t have to….they all know. The group wanted to let me know that the boss (the aggressive one) has been complaining about me to them, or rather, complaining openly about me in their staff office (one large room with about 60 staff stations and meeting space). She’s making offhand comments like “Grainne better actually book this meeting or she’s going to be in huge trouble…” and crap like that. I think I already wrote about her stupid bbq poster but to recap, she sent me a document to print and post in the staff room. I had not posted it because, quite frankly, it was not the highest priority item on my list that day and I was trying to catch up on so much else….another staff member had printed it, however, so I though the matter was resolved. The boss went into the office, which was full at the time, and declared:
“Grainne was supposed to print that flyer!”
Someone was kind enough to point out the copy on the wall.
“Well yes, but that one is ripped.” Was the response.
Apparently she’s been doing that a lot. How unprofessional. She’s rather well known for that sort of petty behaviour so it comes as no surprise to me or anyone else, but it really eats at me, that kind of bullying. She’s trying to sway people to her side so she can feel justified in treating me like shit…my father was good at this game too.
So. I printed up the policy. Her behaviour falls directly into the bullying category which is against the employment standards act and human rights along with a direct breach of company policy. I know I only have two options at this point – I have to either back down and just put up with it, work as many hours as I physically can and get everything done while kissing her arse on a minute-to-minute basis or I have to stand up and fight. (Flight! Flight! Cries my every PTSD influenced instinct). Damn it.
It’s something about me that does this. Somehow, I fuck things up and bring this behaviour out in people. I had a hard time with my last two bosses as well…one was a complete jack ass and the other had a god complex so huge he could barely stand to refer to himself as human. He actually liked me until the courier messed up and didn’t get a poster presentation to him in time for a talk he was giving in Florida one year. It was because the courier missed the customs pick up but….he got so mad at me that he never really worked with me again…just pretended I didn’t exist and moved offices to another campus (picked up a new contract as well which afforded him a second assistant whom he favoured. Just dropped me like an unsavory ex. Can’t even begin to explain what that did to my abandonment and self-worth issues).
But really, why do I piss these people off so much? Why can’t I just deliver what they expect? It drives me nuts, thinking on it and trying to sort through it all. I know, on one hand, that it isn’t all me but how is it that I just keep finding these bosses? Coincidence? Karma? What have I done wrong? I’ve been VERY clear about how overwhelming this work load is and have tried several times to rework processes but they keep ending up angry that I’m not getting “X” done. “X”, by the way, becomes whatever it is they have decided to focus on that day. Sometimes it’s meeting that didn’t get booked and sometimes it comes out of left field entirely. Yesterday, there was a hissy fit because a piece of equipment used by I don’t know which service appeared without a biomed screening sticker on it. Firstly, I didn’t even know what the equipment was, secondly, there are assistants in the programs who monitor and maintain this stuff….or so I thought. I was told, in an angry little diatribe, that the girl who used to do this job ordered, received, processed and inventoried all of the equipment. All of it. Why I can’t manage it is becoming a problem.
The problem, really, is that I’m not working 60 hours a week. I would do, if they’d pay me for it, but my time after 37.5 hours is free. I’m exhausted all the time, I’m trying to manage this fucking back pain without meds that make me more tired, and two bosses who are triggering my every sore spot in ptsd-land. I’m starting to feel hopeless and depression is looming quietly in the corner.
Stress leave is starting to look like a good idea. Sadly, suicide is also equally appealing today. Eternal sleep is so alluring. If I wasn’t a mom, I’d have been gone a long time ago, I think.
I don’t think I’ve written about this much in the past few years but I have a fantasy I find so comforting and fall back to often in times like these. I miss my mom so much….the dead one, and sometimes I imagine myself digging into the ground where she is buried, cracking open the casket she rests in and crawling in next to her. When I was little, I would imagine using her ribcage to hide in so it could protect me. I would let the casket close and imagine the sound of the dirt as it rained down into the grave, sealing me in. It still puts me to sleep some nights.
I wonder, often, what my life might have been like had my parents not died. I don’t like to think on it too long or I start to get angry at all the things I’ve missed out on. So much. Then again, I’ve learned so much by taking this route. Sadly, on days like today, it all feels pretty fucking useless despite it all. When I think of the fight I’ve used to get to here and then I put it against how I’m feeling today, I can’t even see the point of it all.