A typical day in the office
Just sitting here. Sitting here. This morning, before 800, the outwardly aggressive boss tore into me about a series of things that have nothing to do with me. Someone used the wrong weekend sheet, someone didn’t enter their stats for one day correctly, someone didn’t put the call back info in the right mailbox. I haven’t made a flow chart indicating the flow of equipment repair, I didn’t print her stupid bbq flier soon enough and the one I did print got ripped. Ripped…she’s pissed at me because the fucking piece of paper got ripped. The other boss was standing in line waiting to ask me if I’d finished this order and that spreadsheet and the report I was asked to do and did I get all the interviews set up and payroll corrected?
I have four more days to get two weeks work in because I have to take TWO days off to cover a gap the sitter left with her vacation. Two days. I will be coming directly back into my two busiest audits – compensation and statistics and will only have one day to complete each. They usually take me three days to complete if I work overtime (for free) and ignore everything else. I’ve had to do that last week because of payroll so I’m a week behind there…then a million things came up they wanted me to do so I got more behind. This week I’m scrambling to get ahead so I’m not fucked when I come back after my two day vacation, so….one more week behind. The week I return I’ll be swamped, so there’s the third week. You see how this is going? No matter what I do I’m fucked. I’m doing the job of so many people it’s impossible to do the work simply based on bulk alone. You can’t do that much in 50 hours….I mean, forget the 37.5 I’m paid for.
Worst part? The bosses are angry and hostile and feeling like I’m not performing effectively. Then, they get together and natter each other into a frenzy of Grainne-hate which just slays my confidence and then I end up where I am now, sitting in the ladies locker room in tears.
Last night I dreamed that I was with a bunch of friends (the folks who follow me around in dreams) and I decided to break into someone’s backyard (and house) and throw a pool party in their pool. It seemed a great idea until I actually got things going….the guests were noisy and everyone was drinking and getting a bit rowdy. I was afraid the neighbours were going to call the cops so I tried to quiet them down a bit. Then I started to worry that the owners of the house might come home and I was petrified of being caught. I regretted that pool party so much but I couldn’t get anyone to leave once it began.
Then…I dreamed I was heading to work in the morning. (Dream work, not real work) I was riding a bike in the snow and the tires kept slipping so I was having to concentrate on my balance more than usual. I looked up part way through my journey and was stunned to realize where I was…I had somehow ended up at my mom’s house and I was passing right by it. I checked the time quickly and realized with a thud of horror that it was exactly the time she always left in the morning. I really didn’t want to run into her. I carried on and came to a steep hill that I used to love to ride my bike down as a kid and let myself go a bit faster but the snow kept me cautious. I ended up having to stop completely to avoid hitting a pedestrian who was trying to get through the snow ahead of me and, as she turned to apologize for slowing me down, I realized it was my mom. I froze and waited for her to recognize me but she didn’t. She looked me right in the face and mumbled her apology for being in the way and then turned as if talking to a stranger. It hurt, weirdly. I got to the train/bus station and hid behind a crowd of people, waiting for her bus to arrive and leave before I boarded mine, not wanting to have another chance to make eye contact with her again.
I woke up remembering how she didn’t even recognize my voice when her and my dad called a few months ago. It’s only been five years or so…if that. (Or maybe more, I don’t think about it and can’t really grasp the passage of time between that time of my life and this one). Anyway. It made me feel like shit.
Then, I get to work and find this waiting for me. I feel so low. I am mad that these people can make me feel this way and I’m miserable at the same time. I’m finding it hard to convince myself to start busting my ass to get all this work done right now. No one will care anyway, as long as there’s anything else outstanding.
I’m really tired too. I want to sleep and I want to hide. One is due to disordered sleep cycles and the other a lack of will to work through this. I don’t understand though….as hard as I try and as much as I put in, I never seem to win. (not true, I know, but it feels that way today. I feel chewed up and spat out).