Monday and a load of misery. Bah.

Do I just find another job then?  Do I leave here?  It’s been a year and things are getting worse, not better and I don’t know what to do.  I was going to apply for the job of my counterpart at the other campus but its union (I am not, at this campus) and they won’t even consider hiring outside of the bargaining unit.  Even if I got in there somehow, I could be bumped from my role at any moment.  I think the staff over there hate me anyway….you know how rumor mills go.  I’m swamped in this role and the other one sits around all day talking to her family on the phone.  It’s not a fair distribution of tasks but I do get paid more …. totally not worth it though.  Not even close.

So here I am, filled with anxiety and misery.  I am tired beyond comparison and I spent the weekend sweating puddles on the bathroom floor and violently throwing up everything I put down.  It felt like an anxiety attack of decent caliber – I’ve had these many times before, but I’m trying to convince myself that it was a virus.  Stupidly.  As if the raging pain in my head wasn’t so bad it was making me nauseous and as if the anxiety wasn’t pounding through my veins like a drug.  I was a trembling, sweat dripping mess and all I wanted to do was slam my head into the wall to change the pain somehow.  I didn’t, because I’m not stupid, but I wanted to.  Of course, the tears were flowing (and I’m not even PMS’ing yet!) and whenever I cry I get a raging headache anyway.  I’ve never been able to cry without getting one but it’s become much worse in the last ten years.  If I cry for longer than five minutes or so I’m looking at a headache that will require multiple doses of some kind of anti-inflammatory, which (OF FREAKING COURSE) usually upsets my stomach.  Cause, you know, it’s not like I’m already writhing around on the bathroom floor in agony only to throw up everything I try to put down anyway.

Why the hell I’m at work today is quite beyond me.

So I’m losing my awesome car.  That’s the story Dayne is telling me anyway.  He says that it’s getting too many dings in the parking garage and the one time I scratched it makes it look like crap now anyway.  He says he’ll get it fixed, sell it, pay off the loan and I’ll get another shitty car that can get beat up.  The money we save on the payment will allow me to take a shittier job for less pay and we’ll be fine.  Doesn’t that just sound awesome?!  Maybe I’ll get one that doesn’t have air conditioning again and oh! oh!  Maybe the windows won’t open or the door handles will be broken off so I have to open the doors from the inside.  That was awesome for a year last time.  Dayne accidentally child locked the back doors and I had to twist around (which I cannot do, thank you spine) to let Colt in.  Was a real treat.  I’ve had one nice car in my life and it’s leaving.  That pisses me off.  I understand it though.  It’s expensive and if I lose this job we’re fucked anyway.  I mean, he’s leaving his but we’ve never had to worry about his half of the income since he’s barely had one all these years.  Right now, he’s making more than he ever has but the job makes him unhappy so he’s looking for another.  Start at the bottom again right?  Why not.  Who fucking cares.  Maybe I’ll just get diagnosed with narcolepsy for sure and they’ll not let me drive anyway and then I can fucking stay at home and sleep all the time and never do anything or go anywhere.  I’ll stop fighting all his pain and bullshit, stop being around people period and I’ll be able to just sit in my room and wait for life to play out.  I can’t manage friendships, let alone a relationship so why keep trying?  It’s  not like anyone likes me anyway.  Not really….not underneath.  Colt maybe does but he doesn’t count…he doesn’t know any better.  Eventually he’ll figure me out too, I’m sure of it.

I’m so damn tired.  I want to go home to hide and sleep and sleep and sleep.

I dreamed last night (between waking with fire acid scalding my entire esophagus from belly to the back of my throat) that I was visiting my father.  He didn’t have any spare room in his place so he made a bed for me in the parking garage.  I was having a hard time sleeping because people kept coming in and out to park or get into their cars.  I tried to pull the bed back behind a wall but it kept rolling out into view…I eventually gave up.  My old boss showed up and asked me to let his son out the back door, which I did, but after he parked the car I could see it wasn’t in gear.  I tried to stop him but it was too loud in the garage and he didn’t hear me. I watched the car roll away, down the ramp and crash into something….then it rolled out onto the street when someone else opened the garage door and created a huge traffic jam.  I was trying to ignore it but knew I’d be held responsible so eventually went down and got the wrecked car.  Then I had to go tell him and he was so mad he roared at me like a lion.

While I was trying to calm down from that experience (still dreaming, of course) I started going through boxes of my old stuff from when I was a kid.  It was stored in the parking garage for some reason.  I found a Sesame Street record (omg a what?!) that had a huge fold out panel with all the characters on it.  Some of them had signatures beside them and I found myself remembering back to when I had them signed.  I was in pre-school then and my mother had taken me there.  There was a trampoline I loved jumping on and a beautiful lantern that I was memorized by as it turned in slow circles and caught the light in beautiful ways.  My mother was suddenly there, trying to take credit for the memory.  “I was the one who held that lantern up for you!  Do you remember?”  She asked.

I did remember and found myself back there, 3 or 4 years old, staring at that lantern as it caught the beams of light from the windows of the room I went to day care in.  It was a French speaking daycare but it wouldn’t have matter what language was spoken as I didn’t talk.  I refused to talk (in real life, not just dreams) until I was 5 or 6.  I was so afraid of people and of the world that I just wouldn’t open my mouth.  I remember silently crying, tears pouring down my face, not making a single sound.  I hated it when people looked at me; hated when they talked to me.  It was horrible when I did say something and people laughed, even if it was a joke.  I would burn bright red and the tears would start flowing, silently.  My birthday was a nightmare.  I vividly recall many years where I bawled and fought to hide under the table at my birthday parties.  I hated it when people sang to me….or paid me any attention.  I wanted to be invisible and unnoticed at all times.  If I could have vanished…I would have.

Stupid dreams.  This shit is long over and past and I am fine but the damn dreams just keep pulling it back into mind.  I don’t understand why my brain insists on torturing me with it all.

Ahh life.  How exciting it is.  (It’s only 1045 and I’ve already planned a stop at the liquor store on my way home and I’m hitting that bottle and the couch as hard as I can when I get home.  I don’t care if I throw it up.  …actually, my stomach is feeling better just now.  Yay for keeping down the medication, in all forms).

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

17 responses to “Monday and a load of misery. Bah.”

  1. anxietybug88 says :

    Dude. Leave that job. That job is slowly killing you, and it’s not worth all this. It’s really tough going through job changes, but you’ve got to ask yourself: which is more stressful? I’d wager it’s the job that’s sucking the life out of you day by day. I know from experience that sometimes the difference between withering away and getting back to a healthier you means getting the heck out of a job. I don’t want to see you miserable, and it’s not the reason that people usually have (like just not wanting to deal with a person that’s depressed). It’s because I really care about you, even though I don’t know you from meeting you in person. Yeah, things might seem crappy for awhile after you quit that job, but it might just save your life. I’m praying very hard that you’ll be able to get out of there and find something else. My thoughts are with you, hun.

    • Grainne says :

      Sound advice, thank you so much for caring so much!! I tend to lose sight of the fact that things can change. I’m the breadwinner for the family so feel enormous pressure to keep bringing in the paycheques. There are so few of these roles left in healthcare and I am married to the hospital for some reason. Thanks for the insights and for helping me see a different perspective. Xx

      • anxietybug88 says :

        You’ve just got to think about the fact that if something were to happen to you because of the stress at your job, who will be the breadwinner if you’re not around? And yes, things can change! Change is difficult, but sometimes it’s necessary. 🙂

      • Grainne says :

        (hugs) Thanks so much. You’re a good friend xx

  2. Ellen says :

    I’d say too, can you at least look for other positions? I’m amazed how badly you are treated there. I don’t like my job, but no one is telling me I’m not doing enough, and I do a lot less than you do. Maybe admin jobs are in general really rough, I don’t know, but there must be something out there that’s tolerable?

    Since I’m commenting – try not to catastrophize and spread your unhappiness to all areas – like thinking no one really likes you. I tend to do this too, but it just makes you feel worse and just isn’t true.

    Sending healing thoughts. I know how a job can seem to ruin your life, even without the other issues you are dealing with.

    • Grainne says :

      Oh shit I was totally doing that wasn’t I? Really, in the grande scheme of things it’s just a job right? I do tend to go overboard on the catastrophe angle. Thank you for this. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. Xox

  3. Birdie says :

    Is your current job union? Can you file a grievance?

    Grainne, your first paragraph reminds me so much of how I think. It starts with one problem and then another is added then another and another. And then I start throwing in possible scenarios and outcomes. Within minutes I am totally lost and ANXIOUS. Then that leads to more problems and then another is added then another and another. And then I start throwing in possible scenarios and outcomes… and around it goes.
    Have you ever practiced Mindfulness Meditation? It is not sitting on a mat with your legs crossed chanting Ohm. It is a form of meditation that helps you stay out of the anxiety spiral. I have been anxious since I can remember so that would make me about 2 or 3. No memories, just feeling sad and overwhelmed and anxious.
    There are great books but found they were too much for me to take in. I had been in the hospital for depression and anxiety and I was putting a plan in place to kill myself. I was sent to counseling for those in crisis and they introduced me to Mindfulness. In a nutshell, it is really focusing on being where your feet are.

    I have to wash the hair colour off my head so e mail me if you want to know more. There are some great apps that I know that helped me a lot.

    No time to proofread and I don’t have my glasses on! Hope this makes sense.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you my amazing friend !! Xo you see through me. I do spiral into anxiety and when one thing goes wrong I sweep everything into one giant pile and declare it shit. I do need to not do that…the worry just totally got away from me. Believe it or not I used to practice a lot of mindfulness exercises. My therapist was keen on them and they always helped. I’d love to hear more of your experiences though, as I know we do think alike in many ways. (Mu-ah! You’re the best. Xx)

      • Birdie says :

        There are some really great apps out there that send you a reminder to check in. Sometimes we don’t have a lot of time to devote to a meditation. My favourite is Mindfulness Daily

      • Grainne says :

        Thanks! I think you told me about that (maybe you blogged about it) once and I meant to look it up. I’m going to check it out tonight. xx

  4. rootstoblossom says :

    Oh dear. Be gentle on yourself.

  5. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    If you can get out, for the love of both of us, do it!!

  6. ambivalencegirl says :

    I hate this part of life. I’m not sure if it is the reality or the glue or bad or if we are just so sick and tired…but I agree with Ellen about trying not to let the negative leach into all areas of your life, that’s so hard not to do.
    I think I want to take time off so that I don’t make a rash decision that I’ll be sorry about. I’ve been at my job for 15 years and I’m just burned out and tired. Really tired. I so get that and can’t imagine going into an awful work environment and being beat up emotionally when I’m already down and out.
    Your dream is insanely detailed and connects the past and the present and so many feelings and it had to be exhausting.
    I stuttered terribly and had a really high pitched voice. I was in speech therapy until I was about 10 and couldn’t pronounce a lot of sounds. My family was all fluent in another language and I never learned it. Isn’t that bizarre. Like all little kid’s brains are like sponges and I was intelligent. But I never understood what anyone was saying and they spoke so I couldn’t understand. I swear I think that’s why I never learned and that sounds paranoid but I don’t know.
    Hope today is more peaceful. Take care of yourself 💜💜💜

    • Grainne says :

      So much love to you xxx You always understand the things I say so incredibly well. I wish you didn’t, for your sake, but I always appreciate it. Always. ❤

      I can totally relate to your speech issues as well. I had a terrible time understanding people as a child too….I always thought it was because I didn't listen carefully enough…or that's what I was told anyway. Their actions and words didn't ever seem to gel. I'll bet there was an element of that for you too; people who say they love you but act in ways that don't feel like love.

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