I’m not okay today. My brain is a fog and my heart is pounding in my chest. I’m afraid of … everything … even myself right now. Nothing feels right and I swear I’m still asleep. I keep touching things to prove to myself they are real. This is all so fucked up. Where did all my stability go?!?! I worked so fucking hard to get myself in balance and a few months of being so tired I can barely function and poof. Gone. My spine is degenerating inside my body and there are nerves mashed between vertebrae and my head hurts so much I sometimes feel like my brain is about to burst through my skull and even that doesn’t get me. It chases me but never quite catches me. This bullshit? Falling asleep every time I sit down? It’s not only beating me it’s freaking lapping me.
You know – it’s not even so much the sleep. Sleep is what it is but the dreams are tearing my soul apart. I can’t stop them or change them and they are just playing on and on in my head and I wake up feeling all the things I felt when I was in them. I wake from a dream where I’ve accidentally killed someone and then I wander around the entire day drowning in guilt that is so strong it makes me throw up. Guilt over something I dreamed I did. I dream of my family and of my father. I dream of him on top of me and the smell of him is all around me…when I wake up I can still smell him! I go to work and out of nowhere, in a random hallway, I catch a whiff of him and I nearly collapse in a mess of panic and fear. I feel like there is danger everywhere because in my dreams, there is danger everywhere.
My head hurts today so bad the throbbing is affecting my vision. It looks like everything is pulsing around me. My neck is as solid as a concrete block and my spine hurts from neck to ass. I try not to think on it…trust that it will leave at some point (or at least lessen) and allow it to exist just beside me but not within me and it works…but then a dream comes crashing back in on me and my heart picks up and my breathing starts to hitch and I’m stuck on a roller coaster ride of emotion so intense it makes me nearly burst into tears, all over something I remember from a dream that has nothing to do with reality.
I’m exhausted, inside and out right now. I just want to run and hide away from my body, my dreams, my head….hide from myself.
I’ve been dreaming of drowning. I can feel the water burning in my lungs for those few moments after I give up and let it take me, before the dizziness washes over me and everything goes black. There’s a beautiful moment then….when my lungs are full and burning and my body is screaming for oxygen where everything resolves and understands…stops fighting. I don’t float or sink in that moment…just hang in the water, perfectly balanced between buoyancy and gravity. It’s there I want to be, right now. Today. Maybe even forever.