Under Water

I’m not okay today.  My brain is a fog and my heart is pounding in my chest.  I’m afraid of … everything … even myself right now.  Nothing feels right and I swear I’m still asleep.  I keep touching things to prove to myself they are real.  This is all so fucked up.  Where did all my stability go?!?!  I worked so fucking hard to get myself in balance and a few months of being so tired I can barely function and poof.  Gone.  My spine is degenerating inside my body and there are nerves mashed between vertebrae and my head hurts so much I sometimes feel like my brain is about to burst through my skull and even that doesn’t get me.  It chases me but never quite catches me.  This bullshit?  Falling asleep every time I sit down?  It’s not only beating me it’s freaking lapping me.

You know – it’s not even so much the sleep.  Sleep is what it is but the dreams are tearing my soul apart.  I can’t stop them or change them and they are just playing on and on in my head and I wake up feeling all the things I felt when I was in them.  I wake from a dream where I’ve accidentally killed someone and then I wander around the entire day drowning in guilt that is so strong it makes me throw up.  Guilt over something I dreamed I did.  I dream of my family and of my father.  I dream of him on top of me and the smell of him is all around me…when I wake up I can still smell him!  I go to work and out of nowhere, in a random hallway, I catch a whiff of him and I nearly collapse in a mess of panic and fear.  I feel like there is danger everywhere because in my dreams, there is danger everywhere.

My head hurts today so bad the throbbing is affecting my vision.  It looks like everything is pulsing around me. My neck is as solid as a concrete block and my spine hurts from neck to ass.  I try not to think on it…trust that it will leave at some point (or at least lessen) and allow it to exist just beside me but not within me and it works…but then a dream comes crashing back in on me and my heart picks up and my breathing starts to hitch and I’m stuck on a roller coaster ride of emotion so intense it makes me nearly burst into tears, all over something I remember from a dream that has nothing to do with reality.

I’m exhausted, inside and out right now.  I just want to run and hide away from my body, my dreams, my head….hide from myself.

I’ve been dreaming of drowning.  I can feel the water burning in my lungs for those few moments after I give up and let it take me, before the dizziness washes over me and everything goes black. There’s a beautiful moment then….when my lungs are full and burning and my body is screaming for oxygen where everything resolves and understands…stops fighting.  I don’t float or sink in that moment…just hang in the water, perfectly balanced between buoyancy and gravity.  It’s there I want to be, right now.  Today.  Maybe even forever.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

11 responses to “Under Water”

  1. Violet says :

    Grianne, what did the sleep clinic have to say about this stuff…did they diagnose you with narcolepsy, or is there some confusion as to what’s going on with your sleep?

    You are a strong woman but it gets to the point where things stack too high…your sleep issues on top of everything else might be you’re tipping point. Everybody’s got one. 😦

    • Grainne says :

      My sleep study isn’t until December. The preliminary diagnosis is narcolepsy but they won’t treat it until the tests confirm, of course. It’s a long wait for the sleep clinic for some reason. I’m on the cancellation list but it doesn’t seem to be helping. I’m stuck like this until December otherwise.

      I tried to talk to the doc but he won’t go over symptoms or discuss outcomes until the tests are completed, so, I’m just hanging here in limbo until then. 😦

      I feel so full. I don’t think I can take any more stress. I’m dreading Colt’s return to school in a few weeks. When he needs me and I have all this going on I sometimes feel like I’m just going to drop. I know you know that feeling, my friend. I wish you didn’t. x

      • Violet says :

        The sleep clinics here also have a 6-8 month waiting period. It seems cruel though to not offer you any treatment until then. I hope you don’t fall asleep while driving!

      • Grainne says :

        I try not to drive unless I have to. When I’m too tired, I talk to someone on my handfree while I drive…keeps me thinking. I am too afraid of hurting someone else to be careless….but it is hard. If I can’t drive I’m going to be in a bad spot.

      • Violet says :

        I don’t know if you will be allowed to drive at all if you’re diagnosed with narcolepsy…that might be something to look into. Or perhaps if you can get it controlled on meds it’ll be fine if you do.

        I wasn’t able to drive for two years when my RA was bad, and it was HELL.

      • Grainne says :

        Oh I know. I’m so afraid of that. But, nothing to do but wait I guess 😦 xx (thank you for coming back to my blog. It really means a lot to me that you’re around.)

  2. Ellen says :

    It sounds so rough, both the physical and emotional all swirling around together. Sending healing wishes to you. Hope you get some relief soon.

  3. Birdie says :

    Just stopping my to see how you are tonight. xo

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