Winning and not winning. And whining.

Yesterday I got home, made Colt dinner and then sat down next to him to chat about his day.  His birthday is coming up and there are rare and few moments when I can talk about it with him before he gets totally overwhelmed and wants to skip his birthday all together.  He can’t quite handle being excited over something that he has to wait for….it’s getting better though, and it’s fun to see him looking forward to things.  I always felt like he got so ripped off on childhood…anxiety making him miss out on most of the things I remember fondly from my own.  He’s never been to a birthday party and would rather cut off his own toes than have one for himself.  If we had a party for him it would consist of people dropping off presents and maybe staying for 15 minutes to share some cake with him then he’d be done.  lol…I should do that, come to think of it.  He’d get more presents.

Lucky for him, he’s our only child so we get to spoil him on his birthday.  I think we’ve spent $160 on presents for him, but, he so deserves it.  Dayne found him a mini laptop (second hand, awesome deal) and I finally found the shopkin things he loves so much.  They are the most expensive bits of plastic I’ve ever seen in my life but, he LOVES them.  We put money away for it too so it wouldn’t mess up our budget (yes, we live that close to the line.  $160 could break us for the month if we just wasted it…)  Sigh.  That was depressing.  Rather than think of that, I’m going to think about his face when he sees all the awesome presents we got him.  (there we go.  Smiles again)

So…dinner.  I sat with him even though I wasn’t eating (not feeling great just now) because I hate the thought of him having to eat alone and Dayne wasn’t in yet.  He asked if he could watch his ipad for a bit while he ate and even though I usually won’t allow that, I was so tired that I said yes.  In less than two minutes I fell asleep on the table.  I woke up hours later with one of my sweaters draped over my back (lol, thanks Colt) with my face in a small puddle of drool on my table, place mat gouged into my skin.  I got up and made it to the couch and slept until my back woke me (In so much pain right now) and then moved to bed.  That was an uneventful night.  😦  I feel so much like life is beyond my control right now and there is nothing I hate more than feeling out of control.  I hate that I can’t beat this or even affect it!  So frustrating.

I have the pain, this driving, endless, thudding pain under control.  I can be in agony and yet somehow push it far enough away that it doesn’t bother me.  Well, it bothers me but it doesn’t stop me from doing what I want.  The only thing that I can’t get around is the headaches but even that is coming along.  I don’t get Dayne to massage my shoulders, neck or back anymore – he resented doing it anyway… it’s seriously just mind over matter that’s making this work.  The physiotherapist I saw really helped me understand that sometimes pain is over amplified in the body and that it’s more a state of mind than anything else, how one handles it.  Boom.  Changed.  Able to cope.  It’s astounding, really, but not when I stop to think a bit.  I see people every day here at work who are suffering through something.  There are two camps (and only two).  One is the type who does not let the thing that is causing their suffering to control them, take over their life, or beat them.  The other throws up their arms, curses the powers that be for inflicting suffering upon them, and gives up.  They give right into it.  Cancer patients are the best example I can think of.  Cancer will take what it wants in the end, I realize, but the people who refuse to let it win have a heck of a better chance of survival over those who do not.  I had a friend here once who was a patient.  He went through several rounds of terrible diseases, had two liver transplants, fought and fought and fought with everything in him and survived.  The meds he had to take to keep himself alive after all that gave him cancer.  He took it very hard and I watched him go from a warrior to a frail, little old man in weeks.  The cancer took him before he even started therapy for it.  It was horrible to watch and I will never, ever, forget holding his frail body in my arms as we said goodbye for the last time.  I told him I loved him and that I would see him again and he just looked at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.  I watched the life leave him and he was gone just days later.

Having life make me fight for every scrap of safety and happiness I’ve ever known has made me almost immune to suffering.  Yes, I have issues, yes I am sometimes depressed, yes, I have chronic pain and a disabled son and a shitty life and blah blah blah but fuck it, I’m still working full time, still able to take care of myself and my son and I’m not letting ANY of that take the little bits I do have away from me.

And then I fucking fall asleep on my feet.  Now I can’t make any plans or decisions because I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay awake long enough.  I hate this.  If I could choose, at this point, I’d just stay asleep.  There’s a whole world there for me….I don’t need this one anymore.  Here I am though, half-awake and half-asleep, stressed over a stupid job, missing so much of what I want and need.  I don’t know how to overcome this and it’s pissing me off.

What am I going to do?  I’m getting a bit desperate and I want to wake up so badly.  I guess I’ll call the sleep clinic again and plead my case again.  There’s a fine line between appealing to someone and becoming a nuisance.  Mind you, sometimes being a nuisance makes people want to shut you the hell up, which also delivers what you’re asking for…just in not so nice a way.  I have enough bad karma to make up for in life already.

It’s just after 9 am ffs.  This is going to be a long day.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Winning and not winning. And whining.”

  1. A Journey With You says :

    Awww, happy birthday to your son! I hope he enjoys every last bit of it!

  2. Violet says :

    Grianne, I’ve closed my blog but will still be here reading and commenting on your blog. I’m ok…just was tired of documenting my tragedies and wanted to move onto other things. I don’t want you to worry. 🙂

    • Grainne says :

      I’m happy to see you 🙂 I had hoped I would see you again when I saw your goodbye post. Xo thanks for still being here.

      I think you have my email if you ever want to stay in touch without coming here. I think of you and your boy often.

  3. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Yayyyy birthday planning!! The countdown begins! Do you do a special breakfast on his birthday? I’m sorry this sleeping issue is ridiculous. I dont understand yalls healthcare system well enough to know how to manipulate the system like I do here. Normally all you have to do here is drop the suicidal card and you will be seen immediately. Or state symptoms of a heart attack or unconsciousness. That seems to get answers pretty quickly in America…sadly. Wellll there are other ways but let’s not get all political.

    I really want answers for you!! :/

    Whine all you want! You are SO allowed to!!

    • Grainne says :

      (Hugs!) Oh Colt is spoiled every day when it comes to food. Dayne’s passion is cooking and I’m not the best eater so he spends it all on Colt. (Yesterday he had French toast with blueberry syrup from scratch.) we have to be careful not to set him up for too much excitement first thing as well so we’ll do dinner. Asked what he wants his first response was “Turkey and stuffing” lol…second choice was pizza, so, pizza it is. Last year, come to think of it, he did ask for balloons and a bit of a fuss on the morn of his birthday. It was the first time ever (we really upset him years before doing the very same thing. Too much change and too much excitement). I had so much fun…stuck balloons everywhere. :). I will have to go to the dollar store to stock up this weekend. ❤

      Yeah. Health care here is awesome because it's covered, but, since people don't have to pay or make an insurance claim, it gets greatly taken advantage of. The emergency rooms are full of drug seekers and people who have the flu. (Hello 7 hour wait times). The biggest problem we face at work is access. Beds are full of people awaiting long term care and more are coming in by the hour so it's very common to see patients in stretchers lining the hallways in the ER pods, awaiting admission. It's a nightmare on the referral system too, as per my issue. It can easily take a year to get a non urgent test. Then again, when you are really sick the whole system kicks in for you. I had trouble in childbirth and at one point I opened my eyes and looked around and there were easily a dozen medical personnel standing around me at 2 am.

      Novel. Lol. Xx. Much love ❤

      • The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

        Awww that sounds soooo exciting!!! You could do build your own pizza if he is a tactile child! Then it could be a great activity together! I love his fave choices though that’s awesome!!

        My friend does a special funfetti pancake breakfast for her son on his birthday and that is their tradition.

        My sister is studying to be a teacher who specializes in children on the ASD spectrum so we talk about it a lot [had a lot of experience working with kids on the spectrum growing up] and we talked about one kid who loved rituals and traditions and how you had to stick to them. She was very particular about it: her birthday was always exact breakfast exact time, presents, etc. then they slowly added in year after year other things. It was cool to learn.

        I mean who am I to turn down any form of party planning?!

  4. ambivalencegirl says :

    ❤ Colt is a great kid and you are a great mom. In the grand scheme of things, love is all that matters. He feels understood and loved. My kids have been totally absorbed in their computer games, all day long until late at night. It is their distraction for now. I often blame myself. That I'm so detached and disconnected…but I do my best, you do your best…it will all work out for good! And happy almost birthday Colt (I don't like parties either!!!).

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