Hurting and loving
Ive been asleep for days and I feel so disconnected from life. I’m trying to be okay on the outside and it’s working, mostly. Colt knows. He can smell it on me but doesn’t know how to help so he just keeps coming to me with hugs and sweet, loving words.
“Hi my mom.” (He calls me that all the time my-mom. Sometimes he adds a flattering adjective because he’s a sweetheart).
Then he wraps his arms around me and lays his head on my shoulder.
“You’re the best mother I’ve ever had” he says.
“I’m the only one you’ve ever had!” I smile into his hair, planting a kiss.
“Yes, but I couldn’t have asked for a better one!” He pulls back to make sure I know he’s sincere. “You’re always there for me and you always love me no matter what and you are sweet and beautiful and wonderful.”
I smile again, with all my heart. He’s the best isn’t he? What a kind soul.
I tell him I’m okay and that I’m just feeling tired. I tell him that his love heals my heart. He grins, happy that he’s helped somehow and goes back to his room to play.
“I love you so much, my mom!”
This is what I live for. Even though I feel like a black void of static space under my skin, the love I share with this child makes it all okay again.
And now, I just want to fall back into dreams. I feel like I could sleep forever right now. Fly away into dreams and never come back. Feels more like home right now anyway. If it wasn’t for Colt, I’d do anything I could to stay there.
(I feel like a shit for being so miserable after he’s been so sweet. I hope he understands.)