Throwing a pity party today
I just don’t know what to do. There is too much on my plate right now and I’m losing my grip on everything…or so it feels. I’m ridiculously hard on myself and set standards that are far too high to reach so I have lots of fodder with which to berate and beat myself when I start to feel like I’m failing. I should be able to carry all of this at once….I’ve dealt with more in the past…maybe it was the energy of youth that kept me moving along despite the hardships…I don’t know. Right now I have a ball of anxiety in my chest that is making it nearly impossible to breathe and the only thing I want to do…the only place I want to be is in my bed and the only thing I want to do is sleep. *This* is an avoidance response, not a sedated-out-of-my-mind-for-no-reason-and-passing-out response. Between the two I could probably just go to fucking sleep and never wake up again. Comacide.
It’s hard to remember, sometimes, why I bother fighting so hard this….all this ‘gloriousness’ that is my world. I had a three and a half hour meeting with one boss yesterday (and we’re meeting again tomorrow, for crying out loud) and although she was happy when she left my office, one small issue and bam, she hates me again the very next morning…sighing at me like I’m completely useless. She sat in my fucking office from 1:00 until 4:30 (I’m done at 4!) and mostly just complained about how I’m not getting stuff done. ??? Today, I had to sit with the other boss for an hour to be told how the woman who had this job before me did things differently in ways that worked so much better. She did too….you know why? She was a doormat, refused to fight back, took any shit they shoveled at her, worked for free every morning, every night and every weekend, never took vacation, never said no and basically sucked their dicks on a daily basis to keep the peace. I’m willing to do my fair share of free overtime…I might not be the most efficient person at this job in the world, but I’m not getting anywhere…they’re bitching at me over fucking tiny, insignificant issues with no regard to the enormous amount of work I do accomplish. They use the guilt they see in me to motivate me to work harder, faster and do more more more but are never satisfied with the results. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Today, after all that meeting time, I’ve been bitched at, made to feel like I’m completely useless and I feel like it’s all for nothing. I’m exhausted. I’m coping with so many things at once and now my head is just chanting about how useless I am and Dayne keeps calling to tell me how he’s about to get fired or laid off or that they’re closing his division or that everyone is against him and we’re about to be absolutely fucked because I can’t afford all this on my own and what happens next?
I want to give up today. I want to go home, quit my job, go to sleep and stay asleep for the rest of my life and then, when I’m old I’ll just die in my dreams and hope my heart stops for real. Maybe I can just live out that life, instead of living out both. I don’t really want this one anymore. I want to go work in the mall where the most taxing task is dealing with a bitchy customer. I want to take the bus so I don’t have to drive or pay for a car….I want to go back to not having a house. I want that simplicity of just waking up and surviving without really owing anything. This job isn’t worth it. The stress isn’t worth it…none of this is worth it.
I feel really down today, after the meetings with the bosses. One of them was a freaking arguing match over the parameters I use to run MY reports when I’m doing MY audits at the end of each month. “You don’t need to have the staff names in your report” She says.
I explain why I have them there. She doesn’t care and just talks over me, showing me her way which is better. I justify why I have them, conceding that she’s right, it might not be entirely necessary but that I have my reasons.
“Well, I’m not going to argue with you over it….” she says, arguing with me over it.
Then she repeats her process for me to see again. Eventually, I just give up and tell her I see her point and fucking drop it. It will never end, otherwise.
Yesterday the other boss sits in my office for three and a half hours and keeps me half an hour late, but won’t approve my request to take flex time because … well, I don’t know why she won’t approve it. She just doesn’t want me to take it. I’m still taking it. I’m leaving today at 3 just because I feel so totally unmotivated.
I feel frozen in time. I feel nothing but that heavy feeling of dread in my chest and a sickening sinking feeling in my stomach and disappointment in who I am and how my life works and just a little pissed off that nothing ever seems to be okay, no matter how hard I fight or how I try to twist myself into this world. Today is a day I wish I had just died with my parents, all those years ago.