Throwing a pity party today

I just don’t know what to do.  There is too much on my plate right now and I’m losing my grip on everything…or so it feels.  I’m ridiculously hard on myself and set standards that are far too high to reach so I have lots of fodder with which to berate and beat myself when I start to feel like I’m failing.  I should be able to carry all of this at once….I’ve dealt with more in the past…maybe it was the energy of youth that kept me moving along despite the hardships…I don’t know.  Right now I have a ball of anxiety in my chest that is making it nearly impossible to breathe and the only thing I want to do…the only place I want to be is in my bed and the only thing I want to do is sleep.  *This* is an avoidance response, not a sedated-out-of-my-mind-for-no-reason-and-passing-out response.  Between the two I could probably just go to fucking sleep and never wake up again.  Comacide.

It’s hard to remember, sometimes, why I bother fighting so hard this….all this ‘gloriousness’ that is my world.   I had a three and a half hour meeting with one boss yesterday (and we’re meeting again tomorrow, for crying out loud) and although she was happy when she left my office, one small issue and bam, she hates me again the very next morning…sighing at me like I’m completely useless.  She sat in my fucking office from 1:00 until 4:30 (I’m done at 4!) and mostly just complained about how I’m not getting stuff done.  ???  Today, I had to sit with the other boss for an hour to be told how the woman who had this job before me did things differently in ways that worked so much better.  She did too….you know why?  She was a doormat, refused to fight back, took any shit they shoveled at her, worked for free every morning, every night and every weekend, never took vacation, never said no and basically sucked their dicks on a daily basis to keep the peace.  I’m willing to do my fair share of free overtime…I might not be the most efficient person at this job in the world, but I’m not getting anywhere…they’re bitching at me over fucking tiny, insignificant issues with no regard to the enormous amount of work I do accomplish.  They use the guilt they see in me to motivate me to work harder, faster and do more more more but are never satisfied with the results.  I don’t know what to do anymore.

Today, after all that meeting time, I’ve been bitched at, made to feel like I’m completely useless and I feel like it’s all for nothing.  I’m exhausted.  I’m coping with so many things at once and now my head is just chanting about how useless I am and Dayne keeps calling to tell me how he’s about to get fired or laid off or that they’re closing his division or that everyone is against him and we’re about to be absolutely fucked because I can’t afford all this on my own and what happens next?

I want to give up today.  I want to go home, quit my job, go to sleep and stay asleep for the rest of my life and then, when I’m old I’ll just die in my dreams and hope my heart stops for real.  Maybe I can just live out that life, instead of living out both.  I don’t really want this one anymore.  I want to go work in the mall where the most taxing task is dealing with a bitchy customer.  I want to take the bus so I don’t have to drive or pay for a car….I want to go back to not having a house.  I want that simplicity of just waking up and surviving without really owing anything.   This job isn’t worth it.  The stress isn’t worth it…none of this is worth it.

I feel really down today, after the meetings with the bosses.  One of them was a freaking arguing match over the parameters I use to run MY reports when I’m doing MY audits at the end of each month.  “You don’t need to have the staff names in your report” She says.

I explain why I have them there.  She doesn’t care and just talks over me, showing me her way which is better.  I justify why I have them, conceding that she’s right, it might not be entirely necessary but that I have my reasons.

“Well, I’m not going to argue with you over it….” she says, arguing with me over it.

Then she repeats her process for me to see again.  Eventually, I just give up and tell her I see her point and fucking drop it.  It will never end, otherwise.

Yesterday the other boss sits in my office for three and a half hours and keeps me half an hour late, but won’t approve my request to take flex time because … well, I don’t know why she won’t approve it.  She just doesn’t want me to take it.  I’m still taking it.  I’m leaving today at 3 just because I feel so totally unmotivated.

I feel frozen in time.  I feel nothing but that heavy feeling of dread in my chest and a sickening sinking feeling in my stomach and disappointment in who I am and how my life works and just a little pissed off that nothing ever seems to be okay, no matter how hard I fight or how I try to twist myself into this world.  Today is a day I wish I had just died with my parents, all those years ago.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

12 responses to “Throwing a pity party today”

  1. eyewillnotcry1973 says :

    You’re not alone – we all feel this way sometimes – but it’s hard to see when you are in the midst of it – I had a shitty boss too – micro managed to death and she stressed me out. I finally faced up to the fact that I needed out – it was a landmark moment for me and took more courage than just getting on the being stuck where I was which was so draining – I hope you resolve things – Cheers J

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much for this support. I would love to leave this role but the jobs here are so limited right now and I happen to love the other 200 people I get to work with….it’s just leadership that sucks. Isn’t that just the way it always goes! Will get through the tough patch…hopefully in short order.

      Thanks again. 🙂

  2. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Ew. Just…ew. Sounds like my job!!! It’s like if they want it done their way, then maybe they should do it themselves!! That’s my feeling!!

    • Grainne says :

      I was thinking of your job today and that one colleague who feels the need to check on your progress with a task before she even starts her own. Sigh. Why must it be so frustrating? Wouldn’t everyone be happier if we all showed each other a little more respect? (for the record, your patient’s are lucky to have you care for them). xx

  3. Birdie says :

    Today at work I had two women getting all pissy with me because I didn’t understand my new schedule. One of them said that she wasn’t going to stand there arguing with me. I was flabbergasted. All I was doing was asking questions and trying to understand. I almost ran out of the office and when I got into my car I was in tears. I felt so powerless. I never did understand and just gave up because I felt so bullied. All I could think about was going home and getting into bed. My bed is the only place where I feel safe. When I am in bed I can just pull the covers over my head and sleep into oblivion.
    My point? I totally understand. Why do our bosses and coworkers have to be such assholes? Do they not know that we will be better workers if we are treated farily and with kindness? I have supervisors (I have a LOT of supervisors) that are so nice and patient and kind and I will do so much more for them because they treat me and others with respect.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks Birdie. Thank you for being here and understanding. I’ve never understood why people choose to behave in ways like this. I mean, I totally understand having a bad day or even being a bit nasty when the pressure is on but there’s no reason to continuously make someone else’s life an unhappy place. I feel bad for arguing back, for heavens sake.

      xx I wish we worked together. You’re the kind of person the world needs more of.

  4. ayearofdeliberate says :

    Argh man such a hard day!!!! You are doing so well though, even if they don’t acknowledge it! Going home at 3 sounds like a great idea 🙂 get some down time and wait for that fighter instinct to kick back in. In the mean time though, I hope ur pity party includes cake 🙂

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you for the encouragement. I hate that my confidence is so easily swayed at times like this but I’ve struggled with it all my life. Things are a bit better today and they’re being all nice and accommodating. It makes me wary though….I feel like I never quite know what’s coming.

  5. ambivalencegirl says :

    Everything you just said from the ball of anxiety in your chest to feeling frozen in time. The avoidance response is so me right now and where I’ve been for so very long.
    You said “I want to give up today. I want to go home, quit my job, go to sleep and stay asleep for the rest of my life and then, when I’m old I’ll just die in my dreams and hope my heart stops for real.” Ughh…I wish you didn’t feel that way but it’s just as I feel. And isn’t loaded with guilt?! Like what about our sweeties and kiddos. And I should care more and just ughh. I want to quit my job and hide.

    You said “Maybe I can just live out that life, instead of living out both. I don’t really want this one anymore. I want to go work in the mall where the most taxing task is dealing with a bitchy customer. I want to take the bus so I don’t have to drive or pay for a car….I want to go back to not having a house. I want that simplicity of just waking up and surviving without really owing anything. This job isn’t worth it. The stress isn’t worth it…none of this is worth it.”
    Again, that’s so me. I want a job with no responsibilities. I worked in a mall when I was in college. I loved it. I would get so excited when a new shipment of clothing came in and spent my paycheck on fashionable items. And I could go home or not go home and I had no family and it was a sad existence and that’s all I did was exist in my own vacuum of a shitty world but at least I didn’t have to deal with anyone and I wasn’t ruinin anyone’s life. And ughhhhh, I flipping hate feeling this apathetic and I am very sad that others know this crappy feeling.

    • Grainne says :

      So relatable. I hate and love that about what you and I share. I loved my mall jobs too, when the biggest stress was getting the new stock out or keeping the unit-per-transaction high enough to please head office. I was a manager for a while…district manager just before I left to go back to school. The money wasn’t there. I wanted a “real” job and a family and a home. Lolololollol. Well shit. Hindsight.

      Then again, as you say, our families are worth anything. Everything.

      Thanks for this. I needed it. You’re an awesome friend.

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