I managed to get through my day yesterday without a sleep attack (I don’t know what to call them. When I say that I mean that dreadful, body is going to sleep with or without the mind deal). I was pretty pleased with myself but then, when I got home I sat down. I was on the couch – had opened the windows and put the TV on so it wasn’t too quiet. I even opened a cold beer and had a few swallows, grabbed my phone and started an email I had been working on through the day in the moments I had between work. The next thing I remember is a text from Dayne saying he’d be home in an hour. I wanted to answer him but I couldn’t for some reason….couldn’t make my body do what I wanted it to do. I wasn’t asleep; my eyes were open and I could see and hear the room and the television, Colt playing in his room….I just sat there though. Next thing in memory is a huge crash that snapped me awake (although I don’t think I was asleep but must have been…?) I sat there, stone still, and willed myself to get up to see what had happened but again, nothing did what I asked it to. I listened carefully and heard Colt still playing and laughing in his room; he was okay. I could hear the cats running around and there were no other sounds of people in my house; no footfalls, no doors opening or closing, no intruders. I kept thinking I should go look but didn’t. I looked at the phone still in my hands, email untouched, and then the next thing I recall was Dayne coming home around 6:00 or 6:30.
“Hey I’m home!” He called.
Colt came to greet him at the door.
“Grainne? You okay?” He asked. I wasn’t a foot away from him but hadn’t said hi.
“Yeah.” I heard myself answer.
“You sure?” He asked, coming around the couch to look closely at my face.
I was aware of him there, could see and hear him. “Tired.” I managed to say.
“Do you need something? Medication? Food? Water?”
“No. Just tired.”
And that was it until 4:45 this morning when I woke up and went from the couch to the bed. I had been dreaming relentlessly and the topic was stressful (too unorganized and random to detail here) so it woke me up enough that I could stand and move to the bedroom. My neck was screaming at me as well from the stupid angle I had it wedged in against the arm of the love seat I was sleeping in.
This morning Dayne asked about how I felt. He said I’ve done that many times before (I don’t really remember them but that’s not really a surprise). He said to add that to my notes for the sleep clinic, which I have done.
Now. Here’s my worry. I have proven to myself over and over again that whatever I put most of my attention on tends to become a huge, uncontrollable part of life. I already know that if I allow myself to focus too much on my dreams they become overwhelming and incapacitating. Same happened with the depression, anxiety and ptsd…same again with the pain when my spine started to crumble. I wonder if I’m just paying so much attention to being tired that I am never anything but.
** those are the thoughts that get me in trouble. I start to doubt myself, my symptoms and the validity of the way I feel. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never get ahead of myself.**
What I need to remember is that I’ve had this issue all my life, it just didn’t become a daily issue until lately. I need to remember that falling asleep while talking to someone, working, eating, getting my hair done…this stuff isn’t normal. I mean, I know that the human mind is a powerful thing and that we can convince ourselves of just about anything given the right time and motivation, but this is different….it feels different and this time I’m going to try to trust my instincts. Anyway. The sleep study will provide a definitive answer….the sleep cycles I run have shown up clearly on every other study I’ve had done in my life and there’s nothing I can do to influence them psychologically, especially while asleep so I don’t have to doubt the results.
That will be nice. Answers. Why do they always seem so hard to find?