The path I took to get here and some karma
I passed through my sleepy episode by around 3:00 yesterday afternoon. It got pretty overwhelming there for a bit…I’m glad I wrote out how I was feeling because I don’t quite remember the details now. Or….I think I do but I’m not sure if I’m remembering the dream or the reality of what was happening….and just typing that makes me feel like I’m about to panic/throw up/scream so it’s better to stop poking that particular part of my brain.
Last night, while watching youtube videos of people having seizures (I have no idea how I end up in these videos – it’s that youtube black hole thing where you follow one video to the next. I’m interested in medicine so I land some pretty damn strange places) I was taking stock of my last ten years or so and all the things I’ve worked through. It seems impossible, where this blog started to get to now, much like the run on youtube videos.
I started this blog because I had just been diagnosed with cptsd, anxiety and depression. All the way through therapy I wrote (most of that part is off-line right now). The control I gained over those issues were set aside when I was diagnosed with the attachment disorder as that became the thing I could actually work on….actually repair or progress through. It was part of the whole and an underlying cause that so much of my life kept going to shit. That was intense work (which still continues to this day) but it helped so much to get a better understanding of the me under all the layers of self protection/sabotage. The pain kicked in as my spine began to degenerate to the point that nerves were being crushed and then that took over my entire focus for a long while. It was fucking hard to figure out how to keep getting up in the morning and pushing on when the pain was not only inside my heart and mind, but in my body as well. Eventually, I grew tired of the drugs and the endless consults and rejections and took things into a place of learning to cope rather than learning to fix. I was laid off from my job that winter and that was a great eye-opener….it shook the moping right out of me and I managed to focus on survival again, rather than the things that were making said survival so difficult. But then….then came the peri-menopause, the sweating and overheating, and finally the exhaustion that had been there all my life, only it grew to such proportions I could no longer put it off to a side effect of meds or not sleeping well enough. I was on so many meds at that point I could barely function and when my liver enzymes went haywire I decided enough was enough. I needed to know what was ME and what was side effect so I embarked upon a journey of weaning off everything I could. The final outcome is a much reduced medication regime that gives me enough relief from the pain, the ptsd symptoms and the anxiety but allows me to actually feel the things my body is going through. … and now the sleep issues become so overwhelming, I cannot ignore them away.
But really, in the end, there’s nothing wrong with me. I can get up every morning, hold down a full time job (sorta..), be an active participant in my disabled son’s life, and manage a very few good relationships. Yes, I have a lot of things to manage all at the same time but I’m doing it. Somehow. The thing I can’t do is manage this stupid pull to sleep when it comes. That one may be a medication deal in the end. Caffeine isn’t working (is actually counter indicated for sleeping disordered people) but there are things that will. I just hate (hate, hate, hate) the feeling of having zero control over it all. Yesterday scared me. I’ve never done that daytime dreaming deal outside of my home and even then, outside of the time I’m actually going to sleep or waking up.
Anyway. Let’s end on a happier note.
Karma. Sometimes I absolutely love to watch it work. So my ex landlords were very negligent when it came to upkeep on the rental. If you’ve not been with me here for long, I’ll do a quick recap:
House was actually a cottage; no basement, no actual foundation just a concrete pad about a foot thick; single pane windows, over 60 years old; cracked, rotted, broken window frames, leaking roof, spotty naked insulation (with no plastic) between siding, house frame, paneling – no drywall, just ugly fake paneling attached directly to the frame; no actual water hook up, just a siphon off their main water line through a cheap garden hose buried in the ground; home made septic tank with cracks in the concrete walls that leaked into the surrounding ground and down under the concrete pad, rotting the house from the bottom up; no furnace or forced air, just a single gas fireplace with no circulation fan; bathroom added on as an afterthought and so badly insulated the water in the toilet would nearly freeze in the winter; unfinshed cabinets under the sink (you could see outside through the access points for the plumbing); no closets; no doors on cabinets; old, ugly, dirty, cheap carpet on the main floor; mice by the dozen in the walls/attic; vining plants that grew directly through the wall into the living room; hahaha…I could go on for a long time with this. I’ll stop there. You get the picture.
They lived on the property as well, which was beautifully maintained aside from our place. We reported the leaking roof, septic issues, non-flushing toilet, rotting frame, crumbling foundation etc but kept getting told that repairs would have to wait until they were done renovating their home/building the new deck/updating the hunting lodge/fencing the paddock/building the chicken coops/buying the new car for their family. We didn’t care – wasn’t our house in the end, but when the ceiling started caving in Colt’s room, we took photos and showed them. They decided to fix the roof and hired what looked like a bunch of high-school kids who ripped off the shitty shingles and replaced them with other shitty shingles. The soffits were not replaced even though you could smell the rotting wood all the way to the street. The water had poured down the ‘walls’ as well and had soaked the non-plastic covered insulation which sat directly against the wood frame which was also rotting. We fixed what we could and left the rest when we left, taking accountability for the aesthetic stuff like painting and cleaning carpets etc.
Here comes the karma. Landlord asks us to leave so their kid can move in rent free. We leave and they begin renovations by tearing down the ugly siding and the broken window frames. New windows and frames were in within a week but, two days later, the frames cracked and the windows broke as the house shifted (the window frames are huge and were actually weight bearing – holding up the second level).
- New frames go up along with particle board to re-square the house. A week later the house starts to lean backwards and the frames crack again. Can also see the walls sagging as the rotting frame gives way.
- Scaffolding is attached and the house is jacked up on two points. Landlord starts removing the rotten frame section by section, replacing it with new wood.
- Concrete pad starts to sink (it looks like – or maybe just turning to dust) as the septic tank fills to overflowing with torrential rain storms in the area. Scaffolding, which is attached to the house, breaks free taking the front soffit and eavestrough with it.
- Three weeks later: Exterior framing installed to hold the house up while the entire frame is removed and reinstalled, bit by bit. Roof is falling apart so a tarp is tossed over top to keep even more rain from getting in. We drive by and see a huge mass of soggy insulation covered in what looks like mildew (we had the place tested for mold several times while were we living there with very few spores being found).
It’s been six weeks. They had planned on a single week turnaround to move their kid in. She had bought appliances, washer and dryer, new wood for the floors in the bedroom, new carpet for the living room. She had all her stuff packed and ready to go to move in for the middle of June. They gave up $1000 a month in income when we left, the utilities, which are stupid expensive there, were turned back to the landlords to pick up so, all in, they are having to take about $1800 a month from their household income per month in expenses, and that doesn’t include any of the materials or time spent on keeping the place from collapsing. They will have to replace the septic tank this year, no question with the amount of rain we’ve had, and now they have to buy all new windows to replace the ones that shattered. The very best part of it all though, is that they made their daughter take our old parking spot which sits under a tree that the birds love to sit in. Her nice new car is covered front to end in bird shit…
I shouldn’t be so happy over someone else’s misfortune but, you get what you give right? They let us live in that crap hole and refused to make it even a little better for us and now they are paying the price. I’m glad we did so much when we left. I’m glad we didn’t make a fuss and repainted and cleaned the carpets. We spent a good $500 fixing it up for them and now, they can do all the things they didn’t do the entire time the place was a rental.
The daughter seems to be gone all the time now. I pass the place twice a day to and from work and know their cars. I think she’s moved in with her boyfriend at his parents house while dear old dad is slaving away on the rent free place he wanted to give her. I can’t help but smile when I think of the wife not getting her $1000 a month spending money anymore while the kid plays house at HIS parents home.
And on that note, I’ll go do some work before my next sleep attack hits. xx