Sleep. Unrequested. 

Please forgive typos. On phone. Can barely see. 

Hmm. Well what to do. I’m having the most intense sleep issue ever. I started battling the shutting off of my brain around 1030 this morning. It is now half past two and I’m still going at it. I have gone for a lot of walks, splashed my face with ice cold weather, went outside and stood on the walkway while a rescue chopper landed (coincidence but those machines are LOUD), I went to chat with a coworker, bought and drank a Pepsi, and tried to lose myself in several tasks that are needing doing at work but the moment I stop I start to slip out again. 
Earlier today while I was drinking a triple shot of espresso I thought someone was in my office with me. They were talking about something that was bothering me….sitting at a jarring angle that didn’t make sense. I turned to identify the speaker and there was no one there. There was no one in the lobby either. I was having a hard time seeking properly (like I am now. When I look directly at something my vision starts to blur and slide all over the place. I tried staring at the floor then closing my eyes and the voice returned as did the situation. I was in my workspace fr my dreams and was talking to a coworker. Something was still off though. I kept thinking. “But I’m awake. I remember getting up and showering. I remember driving to work and unlocking my office door. I was just doing payroll ….. And here is when a nauseating sweep of dizziness passes through me and o began to realize I was asleep….except I wasn’t asleep, I was dreaming (sort of) while awake. 

I feel like I’m losing my grip on staying awake. Like I’m not going to be able to hold the sleepy wave back anymore soon and it will just take me under. 

I want to do the same thing i did with the pain; accept it, allow it to exist just beside me, feeling it but ignoring it too. I can’t not feel slipping into sleep though. 

This is more frustrating than the pain and anxiety together.  It’s as if my body wants to give up while I’m still fighting away.  I feel so drained.  Drugged. I feel like someone shot me with a tranquilizer and I’m fighting to stay awake as if my life depended on it. 

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Sleep. Unrequested. ”

  1. Birdie says :

    I have no answers but make sure you keep copies of all these blog posts for when you get into the sleep clinic. All the information is *vital* and tells more of a history than just telling the doctor about your symptoms when you sit across from her/him.

    • Grainne says :

      Great advice thank you! I’ve been cutting and pasting bits from my blogs to a document I’m taking with me. I started a journal like you suggested too and it’s been great. I can capture how I feel in the moment through the night which I agree, will be much more helpful than just listing symptoms. (hugs) Hope you’re feeling great today my friend. xx

  2. Ellen says :

    Sounds so difficult. Supporting you.

    I don’t know if this would help with such huge sleep / fatigue issues. I sometimes take a supplement called L-Tyrosine, when I’m fatigued. It’s an amino acid. It really helps me feel more awake, and it doesn’t have the rebound / letdown effect caffeine has. Just thought I’d mention that.

    Take care.

  3. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Ugh!! How long till the study?? They can’t hurry it up??

    • Grainne says :

      It was requested in March and the apt I was given was for December. (Yayy socialized health care – ?!?!) I’m on the wait list but it’s tough because (as you know) I have to sleep here and make arrangements for Colt. Will be worth it though. I hope.

      I’m going to start calling them daily soon. lol. I have the inside extension *mmuahahaha*

  4. Pete says :

    Stay strong Sis, I haven’t forgotten our bond,

    Love Pete xo

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