Blushing in my sleep

Hey guys.  Thought I’d give a little update on my world.  I’ve written out a dozen or so blogs complaining about everything but I never felt like posting them when they were done….just a discharge and flush deal, I guess.

My face is still a mess.  I got a new antibiotic yesterday and I’m hoping it does something other than hold the nasty infection exactly where it is like the last one.  I look like someone hit me in the jaw on one side….it’s a bit distressing for people; they keep staring at me with a quizzical expression, head tilted to one side, not quite sure what it is that is different about me.

“Umm, are you okay?” They usually end up landing on.

“Oh yes, just a giant infection in my face…no biggie.”  I reply with a lopsided grin.

Yaaay.  Anyway.  Fingers crossed this scrip kills it.  One of the docs here had a look for me and says he thinks it’s my parotid gland (saliva).  Apparently you can develop stones of some sort that can block the ducts which end up causing infection.  He said he would try to ‘express’ it for me later this week if it doesn’t go down, but it will be “extremely” painful.  He used the word extremely and drew it out to make sure I understood.  I’m not too anxious to get that one happening.

The infection seems to be exhausting my tolerance for just about everything and I’m sleeping like a stone every moment I can.  I sat on the deck last weekend and slept every time I closed my eyes.  Colt was awesome and kept checking on me so I didn’t get burnt…eventually I just moved to the living room to save the stress.  I slept in the car on the way to do errands while Dayne drove, I slept for at least 4 hours each afternoon, went to bed by 8 each night, slept in on Sunday until 1130…I think I was awake for less than 5 hours total for the entire !@#$% weekend.  I got my nails painted in one of those five and managed to eat one meal (ish) so it was as successful as possible.  The remaining hours were spent cleaning the house and running errands (i.e. zombie walking through the grocery store/Canadian Tire and then sleeping on the way home).

The dreams have been just stupid.  I’m waking and having really jarring moments where I’m awake but still dreaming and can see the things I was seeing in my dreams superimposed over what I’m actually seeing.  Sunday afternoon, when I woke from my nap, I was dreaming about Dayne and we were talking about something.  I sat up, got up, went pee, came back to the room he was in and heard him say a series of things that continued from the dream conversation.  I answered him, twice, and then he came to me looking rather concerned, wondering who I was talking to.  I get really uncomfortable when I’m ‘caught’ dreaming for some reason – I think it has to do with the lack of control over the situation – and I quickly made up an excuse but he knew what was going on.  It’s weird, that reaction in me.  I’m mortified when caught, even if I’m just having a normal, run-of-the-mill dream about work or some other normal situation.  The nightmares are too fucking terrifying to be humiliated about but the sex ones?  Dear heavens….those are the worst.  Have I told you guys about that phase of my sleep cycle yet?  Heh.  (I’m blushing already).

So.  I think that all people have this sort of cycle when they fall asleep.  It’s somewhere around the start of the REM cycle where you start to dream…something about sexual instincts and responses doesn’t completely shut down until this point so your sleeping body will respond, chemically (I guess) to sexual stimuli.  It’s not a physical thing, as far as I know, for normal sleepers….I should really look this up so I can explain better but meh.  I think you get the point.  So….for me, little miss sleep talker-walker-act out dreamer, the sexual arousal phase of my sleep cycle is…rather graphic.  It’s not an easy thing for partners of mine to get past because it’s not always them I’m dreaming of and I tend to make that rather, horribly clear.  I *never* share a bed with anyone other than my partner.  Once I think I had an episode whilst sharing a bed with my mother, years ago.  She was all weird with me when we woke up and although I’m quite used to that reaction considering the randomness of my dreams and the vocal expression of said, it was a different kind of weird.  She said something about a trauma thing…something about my father.  I didn’t want to hear any more so stopped the conversation there and we never shared a bed again.

I shared a bed with my sister on the night before her wedding to keep her company (they wanted to be all traditional and romantic so they didn’t see each other the evening before) but I drank enough to put myself into a coma like sleep and only actually closed my eyes for an hour or two.

Those are the last times I shared a bed with anyone.  I will never share a bed with Colt….didn’t even when he was a tiny baby.  I wanted to give him that comfort in his early years but couldn’t risk it.  Dayne started sleeping with him when he was toddler, which bonded them very strongly and kept him feeling safe.  I felt left out but it wasn’t about me….that.  I’m glad they had that experience together and that my fucked up nocturnal life didn’t mess anything up.

When I was married to my ex he used to take advantage of those sleep cycles.  He would help himself, since I was already in that mode, and didn’t really care if I was awake, consenting or enjoying myself.  (Ha!  Enjoying myself?  That wasn’t even on the menu back then.  He never, ever managed to satisfy us both…only himself.)  I would wake up to find him humping me like a dog.  (haha…god that was the worst.  Whenever I expressed my discontent with our sex life he’d start screaming and spitting, getting all red in the face and would accuse me of being gay.  I mean, if I didn’t want to be humped by him for all of 3 minutes at a go, I MUST be gay right?)

Now, Dayne and I have a pretty incredible compatibility in the bedroom and he is a very respectful and attentive lover…always has been.  He never takes advantage of me like that; the guy would rather see me satisfied than himself.  He’s exceptionally talented too and love-making between us tends go on for hours and ends only when we’re both so exhausted we can barely move…it’s amazing.  For that reason along with so much more, I *hate* it when he witnesses my sexual phase of sleep…particularly when he’s not the one I’m dreaming of.  I tell him how wonderful he is…I explain that the dreams of sex are not necessarily fantasies or things I want.  Oftentimes the dreams are not passionate and enjoyable, but weird, twisted memories and the feelings are more about the bad parts of my sexual history; the feeling of being loved only for what I was physically providing, wanted for only those reasons as well.  I sometimes I shut off emotionally and simply watch the dream happening from the inside….the way I move and vocalize in my sleep isn’t always reflective of what I’m experiencing…but that’s pretty hard to prove.  Gah.  It can make such a mess of things.

So…yeah.  The one silver lining to this face infection (lol, I like calling it that for some reason) is that I don’t have much of an appetite and, when I do eat it’s painful and slow.  I’ve dropped a few pounds from that alone, which makes me happy.  I really want to drop another 15 to get back to my ‘healthy’ weight.  I’m doing well now and am no longer longing to get back to the skeletal Grainne… 100 lbs was too tiny for me, but I’m still rather unhappy with all this thigh and stomach fat on me.  My spine curves in a way that makes my gut stick out which only makes it all look worse and every ounce shows.  I’ve not been exercising beyond the regular life stuff since though so I can’t really complain.  I’ve been forcing one decent meal a day and nibbling on fruits at work for a while now with no horrible gain so, if I actually push myself to exercise a bit I might actually lose those last pounds after all.  It might just be my screwed up metabolism, but I can gain/lose 10 lbs in a week easily, sometimes overnight.  I’ll go to bed at one weight, wake up 5 lbs heavier, gain another 5 through the day and then lose it all one pound at a time.  It must be water weight….I’ve never understood that.  … but this is another ramble entirely….

Alllllrighty.  Back to my mountain of work.  Maybe I’ll actually make a dent today.  (fingers crossed)

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Blushing in my sleep”

  1. ambivalencegirl says :

    So I just wrote a long comment and have no clue what happened and this may be a repeat. You wrote “I think that all people have this sort of cycle when they fall asleep. It’s somewhere around the start of the REM cycle where you start to dream…something about sexual instincts and responses doesn’t completely shut down until this point so your sleeping body will respond, chemically (I guess) to sexual stimuli.”
    I’m just reading your post this morning after writing something totally related last night. Oh my gawd on so many levels past and present. I think something happened last night between me and my hubby. But it also triggered these memories. I slept with my mom until I was 10 and then I was alone and vulnerable and my gpa still lived with us. And I am so going to look that up about sleep and sexual feelings. And ughhhh
    I hope your face is better. I haven’t gotten to your earlier posts yet. I used to get infected parotid glands when I was in my 20’s and called those stones “bad breath balls” and I so don’t miss that.

    • Grainne says :

      I always feel so much less alone when I read your words. I think we are similar in many ways, past and present.

      Stuff happens sexually with my hubs all the time while I sleep…I’ll actually reach over and start things while sleeping but if he touches me back I tend to freak out. I kick, scream, bite…lol…he’s learned not to react and sometimes lies there, dead still and silent until he’s sure I’m awake. I love sex with that man but not knowing what I’m doing makes my stomach turn. When I wake up I always feel like I’ve done something very bad. Very dirty. Weird huh?

      I wish you didn’t relate at all to any of these things, but I’m so glad to have you. Thank you for being here. xx

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