Others of my kind and holy crap my face hurts
Okay oww. Half my face ballooned up overnight thanks to the infection I have now raging in my jaw. Everything was closed yesterday so I didn’t do much aside from ice it and then I found a nice dentists office close to my work to visit for an emergency appointment this afternoon. I hope they’ll just pull the tooth but I suspect I’ll be put on antibiotics and have a shunt placed to drain the infection first. Probably the better way to go. I can’t wait to get some antibiotics into me…the pain is kick starting the rest of the pain in my shoulders, neck, face and head. Wheeee. I wonder how bad this might be if I weren’t already taking narcotic pain killers for the arthritis daily. Scratch that. I don’t really want to know.
I have been actively avoiding looking into narcolepsy since I spoke with my doc a couple weeks back. I mean, I would love to be able to have some answers as to the things my body does but it just seemed so odd, somehow. I’ve always had ‘sleep disorders and can recall having sleep studies done while I was still drinking from a bottle at night and they have always come away with sleep phase regulation issues (quick to move into REM sleep – often within the first 10 minutes after falling asleep). I have super vivid dreams, as my readers may know, cyclical dreams where the subject matter keeps repeating on a loop with similar circumstances but different outcomes, I’m constantly under a fog of dread…absolute impending doom, and I dream every single time I close my eyes. I don’t have a lot of the cataplexy (muscle/movement paralysis) common to narcolepsy patients but, thinking back, I have had episodes of it from time to time. I have had hallucination type dreams that have occurred while still falling asleep where I couldn’t move or fight back….they blew my mind, they felt so damn real. I wake constantly through the night (I think this is why I remember so much of my dreams) and there are many, many times I’ve fallen asleep but my body hasn’t stopped doing whatever it was doing. I can finish my nail polish while asleep, for instance, and once, dyed my hair asleep from beginning to end and did a good job too. The water rinse didn’t even jar me awake. After I was done I went to sleep for 15 hours and then woke up exhausted.
Anyway, my point. Last night, for the first time, I searched the tag on wordpress. I only read a handful of blogs but holy shit it was eye opening and terrifying. I was reading post after post of dreams that were so similar to my own I had to put my phone down for a few minutes. The cyclical dreaming, the vivid intensity, the exhaustion crawling through their body and the struggles they faced, these bloggers, were so very much like my own….closer than anything I’ve ever read or heard in my life. I felt like I had just walked into a room of people who were jabbering away in a language no one has ever understood me speak before. I started skimming posts, dashing from one to the next, my head nodding, body shaking. It was so familiar, all of it, and it tore me up inside. I’ve been like this (minus the ridiculous daytime exhaustion) for nearly 40 years. I’ve had studies and scans and appointments galore and have been diagnosed (or tested for) everything BUT freaking narcolepsy. It’s apparently a hard one to get a final diagnosis on for many people but…come on. ! This ‘oh my god I am about to fall asleep’ so I have to physically fight to stay conscious is only 6-7 years old now but that is described so perfectly by fellow bloggers as well. So yeah. This fits. Now to wait for the final sleep study to see what they say. They already have my last 5 so there’s tons of data to compare. I have very recent CT’s and MRI’s of my head and spine so they can rule out anything physical and, also had a full spinal fluid sample run so there might be some info there for them as well. (They were looking for MS and other scary things not many years back). So. More hopeful than I have been. Sadly, no less exhausted.
Today I feel spacey and foggy. I can’t quite focus on anything for long…the driving pain in my face keeps distracting me. I have a ton of work to catch up on but I’m working at it, bit by bit. I wish I could go lie down for a few minutes but I’d be out like a light. Ha….just remembered dreams from the last few days where I fell asleep at work and woke at the end of my shift. I dream, often, of trying to fall asleep. It’s like I know I’m not getting any restorative rest so my dream self tries to lie down and sleep. I can’t accomplish it often (because I’m actually already asleep, I think) and end up frustrated, but a common theme of late is sleep spells. (Dreaming) I went to work and hadn’t slept the night before so I knew it was going to be a hard day. I sat down, blinked and drifted off sitting at my computer. I woke near the end of the day with a jump and felt terrible for sleeping away my entire shift. I worried that people had noticed; had seen me dozing. I worried about getting fired for it.
Ahhh what a peaceful night’s rest eh? (Actually, that’s a good night all things considered).
So it’s 11:00 am, my face hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurt and for some unknown reason, my hands hurt. I’m feeling the slide down into sleep starting and I have no caffeine to drink, although I already know that doesn’t seem to help much. Drinking herbal tea instead. Not sure the heat is good for the infection. Too tired to do anything else. I can’t wait to hit that couch tonight….I’m so tired and dopey. It took me three tries to answer my phone just now. heh. Yeah! On fire today Grainne!
Come ooooon 2:00 (and then 5:00 so I can go home to sleep). Too tired for anything else.