Put me in the sunshine and leave my soul to melt
I am off work today, it’s close to noon and I just walked out onto my deck to soak up some sunshine. It rained rivers this weekend and the thunder and lightning barely let the sky go dark all through the nights. It was cool last night, enough so that we had to close the windows tight, but today? Today is perfect.
Do you ever miss people you should not? Every day I stay home from work memories haunt me and I want to connect with a love i still carry after too much time. It won’t leave. I’ve tried everything I know.
I dreamed of him last night. It was impossibly hard to turn away, even in dreams. I did it though. I did it for him as much as for me. More often than he told me he loved me, he told me we would never be. I was not good in his life … An awkward fit. I often felt like a corner piece jammed into the middle of his puzzle. I wanted to fit so badly that I soaked my cardboard edges with tears and forced myself to bend to the shape of the space that was there but there was nothing I could do about the picture. When I was in it, I distorted things and then nothing worked anymore. Things looked off; out of place. He didn’t like the way I changed the picture of his life and he told me to leave, that my place in his puzzle was no longer mine. He tried to find reasons but could only come up with fiction. It was enough for him though; left a big enough hole for him to escape through. He left, pursuing other things, happier with those choices than he was with me. It would have been cruel to keep him so I finally stopped chasing. I told myself lies that mimicked his. I convinced myself he never loved me at all and when he didn’t dispute the claim I allowed it to stand as truth. And he was gone and it was done and I was left again, unloved.
I don’t know why, but even after all this time, when I start to miss him most, he is often missing me (or angry at me for existing in the first place) too. He used to keep blogs and I would inevitably see my name appear like magic. His blogs are gone now….his final letting go, I think, so I have nowhere to see my name appear. I’ll bet he’s thinking about me now, likely in a bad light, but still… When I see him in my dreams, he is putting himself there, somehow.
I miss his voice. I miss the moments when that look would cross his beautiful face and i could clearly see love reflected in his eyes. I think he did love me once. In whole. I feel lucky for it because it is a flavour I will likely never taste again.