Yesterday he started with the intimidation.  I happened to be walking by the registration desk when I heard a colleague answer the phone.

“Uh, yes, she does still work in this department….”

“Well, no, I can’t actually see her from where I sit but…”

“I understand but she doesn’t sit out here with me at the desk….no.  No…she has an office yes…”

“Well I can’t really control whether or not she picks up her phone….”

“Are you sure there’s not a message I can pass along to her?  Maybe if you leave one for her she will call you back?”

“Yes, I suppose she is supposed to answer her calls but that’s really not any of my business.” “It makes no difference to me if you’re a collection agency or not Sir, all I can do is pass your call along to her line and voice mail.”

“No, I’m sorry I can’t leave the front to go find her at this moment….I have patients to see to…”

It went on like that for a while as he grilled the poor woman.  He has, so far, tried calling from his phone number, a pay phone (do those even exist anymore?!), his neighbours home phone, a blocked number and a phone that looks like it might be his wife’s cell.  He’s told the girls up front that he is a friend of mine, that he’s not a collections agent, that he needs to get a hold of me urgently and that it’s in no way urgent.  His next step will be to show up here and I just can’t have that.

Dayne offered again to call him but then reneged.  He knows that if he calls my father, things will escalate very quickly and the likelihood of him turning up here at my place of work will increase tenfold.  He also knows that if I pick up the phone the psychological damage may be more than it’s worth to get him off my back.  Not that he’d stop anyway – the moment he felt me in his talons again he would just press forward and ask for more out of me.  I was going to write that letter but, in the end, I looked up his wife; I know who she works for, and I emailed something simple that asked her to tell him to stop.  I gave an email address and told her that my managers had been alerted to harassing phone calls being made from their number and I was forced to explain the situation which was unprofessional and embarrassing.  I said that I didn’t want to reconnect with a man whom I thought to be long gone and buried in the ground.  I told her it would just hurt both of us (me and him) too much.  I don’t know if she got it.  I don’t know if she passed it along if she did get it.  The phone hasn’t rung since then though so, maybe it called him off for a day.

Then Dayne called me.  He’s getting fired again.  This is the ever-present theme in Dayne’s work life and he’s been on the edge of getting fired constantly since I met the guy.  This time, he says they shut off his email and when he called to get it reset the manager there told him she wouldn’t discuss it with him, only with his supervisor.  That admittedly does not sound very good.  They turned it back on but he’s convinced that he was supposed to be given his walking papers today, however, a job that only he can do came out of the blue and he thinks it’s bought him a week or two before he’s out the door.  He called HR and they told him nothing was in the works, but he insists that they’re wrong.  We seriously do this panic a few times a year, at least, and to be perfectly honest, he actually has been let go from several jobs in his time.  Sometimes it’s because the work is seasonal or the company lays off the newbies in the winter when things slow down.  Sometimes it’s because of interpersonal clashes between him and the staff or the management.  It’s NEVER because of the work he does or his customer service because both are excellent, but still….he’s always living in fear of everything falling apart.  I can barely stand the idea of it after so many times.  I mean, we’re not in our 20’s anymore.  Being jobless is a big fucking deal…especially when we just moved into such an awesome little place and the rent has gone up.  We also have the big bills coming in from transferring our hydro, electric and water.

I’m not going to panic.  I’m going to wait to see what happens before I totally lose my shit.

FFS I don’t know how to cope with this crap all at the same time.  There’s so much stress, worry and guilt in me right now I feel like I’m about to vomit emotions (wow, I really wish I could actually do that right about now).

I’m going to leave here early for the first time ever.  Go home.  Try to settle myself with pills and booze and quiet thoughts.  I feel like I’m vanishing into the air over here….  I’m still so behind at work though…so effing busy.  It never stops and both bosses are here right now and I haven’t got the finances done or the payroll or the audits or the schedules or the fund distributions or the bill payments or the HR stuff….  I just want to burst into tears, lie down on the floor and sleep for a month.  Why is everything always like this in the end?  I just want to be fucking happy, peaceful, not tormented and twisted and weak.  So miserable.  Damn it.


About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

6 responses to “!@#$%”

  1. littlegirlintherain says :

    You’re in my thoughts x

  2. Birdie says :

    It seems like most of this would be easier to carry without your father coming back from the grave.
    My heart aches for you. I wish I had words to make your day a little lighter.

  3. Cat's Meow says :

    Sending thoughts of support. I, myself, go into shutdown mode when I am feeling overwhelmed. I understand that it’s the freeze response being elicited, but it actually makes dealing harder in the here and now. Old automatic coping mechanisms can be problematic.

    My father showing up at my door has been one of my greatest fears. I am so impressed that you are holding it together, even if it is by massive effort and not as gracefully as you would like.

  4. anxietybug88 says :

    Wow. I hope he decides to finally leave you alone. That’s scary that he’s bullying other people to get to you. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. 😦

    • Grainne says :

      You are such a sweetheart. Thank you so much for all your support! I’ll take that hug and send you one right back. Xx

      Hoping this ends soon too. Nightmare indeed.

      I don’t think o answered your other question about peace bonds. They are like a restraining order but less strict. I think they are most often used in domestic violence case where there is a justifiable fear thAt someone might hurt you or your family in retaliation for something. I had to testify in a city court to get my last one on my dad but I didn’t renew it because I thought he was dead. Ha. Wow hey?

      • anxietybug88 says :

        Wow, indeed. No reason to renew if he’s dead, but then SURPRISE SURPRISE. I hope you can get it renewed. This all seems like a bad situation. You seem to be doing well considering, though. Like I’ve said before, I would have lost it by now. Bravo to you for standing strong!

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