Not much new but I’m hanging in there…

Alright, I’m doing okay.  I slept much better last night so I’m finding it much easier to cope.

I took some good advice I got from a friend here in blog-land and called a local abused women’s/mental health organization who helped me figure out what to do.  They can help with getting a restraining order and the two women I spoke with last night seemed to think I wouldn’t have a hard time doing so.  I did have a hard time last time around….the courts don’t like to issue these until an event actually occurs…..so, wait until he beats me half to death and THEN you’ll do something?  Yup.  The same happened when I tried to get an order on my abusive ex husband.  His threats weren’t even enough to get a cop to talk to him, let alone a retraining order.  I did manage to get a peace bond, which is similar but nowhere near as legally strict. I have had several peace bonds on my father in the past and, eventually, a restraining order but it’s long expired.  The fact that I’ve already been granted one should help my case though…I hope.  The kind women I spoke with last night gave me numbers to call and they emailed me links to municipal and provincial sites for more info and paperwork, but they suggested I get a lawyer to oversee the process.  I can’t afford a lawyer but I agree with them…it’s best to ensure the paperwork is all correctly completed and filed so I don’t end up in a legal mess if he does come down here to bother me and my family.

I called Colt’s school and talked to the Principal to advise her of the situation and she assured me that Colt will not be out of their sight while on recess.  The schools here are locked down through the day (metal detectors at the doors, no lockers to hide things in, full on security with buzz-access and cctv cameras everywhere) so he won’t get in without everyone knowing.  I don’t think he’d go for Colt anyway…not unless he was really mad and couldn’t find any other way to reach me.  I also called Colt’s legal advocate who is on standby just in case something happens.

My head isn’t right yet…scrambled and turning flips constantly.  One moment I’m jumpy and paranoid that he’s about to leap out from behind a doorway with a weapon, the next I’m silently crying in the bathroom feeling like I’m five years old again.  I go between anger, fear, sadness, loss, pity, guilt, need, anxiety and misery in an unyielding cycle….I don’t know what to settle on.  Luckily, over-top that mess is my rational voice telling me that I’m not a kid anymore and he’s just a miserable old man.  He has no power over me now and I can choose whether I allow him into my life again, even for a five minute phone call.  I don’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and even if he pours it on and starts showing up at my workplace, I have every right to call security and the police to have him forcibly removed.  He doesn’t own any part of me anymore and I owe him nothing, in fact, he owes me.  I never did charge him or hold him accountable in any way for all those years of hell he put me through.  I was happy to get away and have never been the sort to exact revenge on those who have wronged me.  And boy, did this man wrong me.

The tiredness is clinging to my eyelids today; the stress of this seems to be triggering a very intense need to sleep.  Any time something like this comes into my life I start to slip off into unconsciousness many, many times a day.   I wish I could right now.  I’d be happy to curl up on the floor under my desk and snooze until tomorrow.

So…nothing much happening today aside from that.  Working on getting a restraining order back in place, scheduled a few extra therapy sessions to help navigate the mental bumps I’m working through, and the only decision I need to make is if I’m going to call my father back or if I’ll have Dayne do it for me.  He is willing, although he doesn’t think it will help any.  He’s pretty sure my dad will show up either at work or at home before he lets this go…but then, I don’t really know why he’s calling.  Maybe he really is dying this time and the upheaval will be meaningless in short order.

I’m okay though.  Holding together.  Thanks for being here for me yesterday to all my friends here.  Several of you have made this tolerable and have kept me on a much straighter track than I thought I would follow.  I love you guys.  You are what friends should be and I feel so lucky to have you.  xoxox

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

4 responses to “Not much new but I’m hanging in there…”

  1. myambivalentexistence says :

    I clearly missed something. Why is your dad going off the deep end ?

    • Grainne says :

      Hey. Bit of a long story. If you read my last few posts you’ll get the general idea. I’ll catch you up if you’re interested a bit later on. Head is still spinning just now.

  2. Birdie says :

    This makes be breathe a sigh of relief. Please follow up with the counselling. It is completely free and the counselors are trained specifically with the trauma of domestic abuse (which is not always a husband/wife scenario). I know they will be more help than you can imagine right now. I have a lot of skepticism with most charities but Haven is one that does such great service.

    • Grainne says :

      Thanks so much xox! I actually have a therapist who I’ve been seeing for many years as well, specifically for the PTSD and anxiety issues I have from my upbringing. It’s odd that I’ve never run across haven house before now. They had so much info that was helpful. They sent me a lot of links with info to read up on. There’s so much good info out there.

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