Rewind

My head is a bit of a mess today.  Nothing new, really..  ha.  I figured a few of you might appreciate a bit of the back story on my father’s death…realizing how confusing this all must be if you don’t know it.

My birth parents died when I was a baby in a road accident and I was put into foster care after a lengthy hospital stay (I was born very premature 12 weeks early, weighing only 2 lbs, 8 oz).  I was fostered by a couple of families as an infant and came to the family who eventually adopted me as a toddler.  These people are the family I grew up with.  They had their own natural kids when I was a little older, a boy and a girl.

My mother was a terrified, abused wife.  My father was an alcoholic, abusive, immature asshole.  He hurt me every way…emotionally, physically and sexually, as often as he could.  When that wasn’t fun enough he let the neighbour at me and cheered him on while he violated my 13 year old body.  I remember these things happening as young as five.  My mother knew and did nothing, saying very little about it until I was fifteen when they drove me downtown and dropped me off at a bus station and then left me there.  I had no idea what was going on and had only taken my little hand bag with me which contained about 2$ in change.  I returned home, trying to get some clothes or some of my things and she talked to me…it was the middle of the night and I had woken her to say hello and to ask why they had thrown me away the way they did.  She told me to leave and not to come back….she was afraid he was going to kill me.  She told me she hadn’t slept well in years, waiting for it to happen and now that I was gone, she could finally rest.  I left that night and didn’t see her again for many years.

In the end, after so much drama and years of therapy and fighting and struggling to stay alive and well, we had managed to forge a sort of relationship while I denied my mental health issues.  When they overtook me (Colt was born screaming and miserable and I couldn’t help him or soothe him or make any of it stop which threw me into a mental pit of despair, now recognizing my own mother’s paralysis only, realizing that she could well have stopped mine at any time).  The moment I started processing what it was to be a good parent through my own experience with Colt, everything fell apart.  I tried to talk to them about things but was met with rejection.  They knew what had happened but were happier pretending that stuff had happened and was well in the past…forgiven…forgotten.  It wasn’t though.

There’s so much to this story….so many details.  I wrote blogs for a year and still hadn’t purged all of the black murk from my soul (they are all password protected now, but they’re all still here).  They rejected me many times in my life and refused to help me always.  It didn’t matter if I was 13 and being raped or 7 and being thrown across the room by a man ten times my size, in anger; it didn’t matter when I was a new mom with a screaming baby begging for help from my family.  They didn’t want to help…they said so. My mother came to help me when he was born and left the day I got home.  “If my kids had been like this I never would have had more than one.”  was all she said to me.

My father offered to take baby Colt for the weekend to ‘teach him a lesson’ and promised that he would come home no longer crying, but terrified, small and obedient.  I almost threw up when he said that on multiple occasions.

In the end, to absolve themselves of any blame, they all decided it was Dayne’s fault that I stopped talking to them all.  I didn’t bother challenging it…was a handy excuse really.

It was Dayne who got the call from my mother’s neighbours when my father “died.”  These people who I knew my entire life, who slammed doors, drew curtains and pretended not to hear my wails and I pounded on their door in the middle of the night looking for help (they were afraid of my father.  Everyone was then.), called me up to tell me he had died.  They said that the family was not going to tell me and they felt bad and thought I should know.  The did warn me not to attend the funeral though, staying that no one wanted me there.  I didn’t want me there either so I just took the information and made what peace I could inside myself.  I asked my mom for the location of his grave a few times before we stopped talking but she evaded the question.  She’s not often on an even keel herself so this wasn’t out of the realm of ordinary for her.  I dropped it and moved on.  It hadn’t even occurred to me that this was all a load of bullshit until that day a few weeks back when his phone number appeared on my work phone and my mother’s voice was left on my voice mail denying that the person speaking in the message (me) was my voice.

In a moment of panic I realized that I had to tell Colt’s school about this.  My father was quite happy to use Colt to get to me before and would likely be willing to do the same again.

The plan:  Call security here and give them his picture, phone number and name.  I’ll have my extension taken off the directory and will keep my office door closed and locked while I’m here.  Will get an escort to walk me to the garage at the end of the day when I can and will lock my doors as soon as I get into my car.

Call the school and let them know to watch out for people talking to Colt.  Tell them about an estranged family member we do not want people having contact with him.

Decide whether to make the call myself or have Dayne call to tell my father to get back into his fucking grave and leave me alone.

That’s about as far as I have managed to get this morning.

I’m tired and scared.  I’m looking over my shoulder every two seconds and I’m waiting for him to jump out around every corner with a length of chain to wring my neck with.  My phone rings and I jump out of my seat.  The door opens and I nearly break my neck spinning around to make sure it’s not him.  If he wanted me to think he was dead then I think he should have to stay dead.  You know?

These people messed me up so badly.  I can’t imagine what they might want from me now, after all these years.  If it’s a Last Will deal, I don’t want anything.  If it’s a reconcile deal, I don’t want anything.  If it’s an apology deal (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!) I don’t want it.  More likely he wants something from me but I don’t have anything to give him.  I need someone calm today.  Dayne is wired to protect me at all costs but my fear and heartache makes him so angry with them he ends up coming across all aggressive and blunt.  I just need a gentle hug and someone to tell me it’s all going to be okay….even if it isn’t.  Colt sensed it last night when I got home from work.  “Do you need a hug mom?” he asked, sweetly.

I said I did and he came to me and hugged me telling me that he would always be there for me when I need a hug from him.  I love that kid so damn much.  I don’t know where or what I might be without him.

Okay!  So, now I’m falling asleep at my desk.  I went home and passed out on the couch then slept the night away through nightmares and waking with a start every 30 minutes or so.  My immediate reaction to this sort of stress is to sleep and my body is pulling me down hard.  Hopefully some work and concentration will help clear my brain for a while.

Thanks for being here guys.  I feel like I have someone to talk to, thanks to you.  xox

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

14 responses to “Rewind”

  1. Cat's Meow says :

    Wow. I’m so sorry that you have had this mega drama and fear thrust at you. You deserve peace and quiet.

    I think that your plan sounds like a good one. You might also look into the requirements for filing a restraining order, so the cops could be called the instant that he showed up.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you ❤ I've had a peace bond against him in the past so I'm going to get them to pull the file, if they still have it.

      I'm so glad I recently moved house. It's making me feel much more safe. xx

  2. brightonbipolar says :

    I’m here for you….just give me a shout anytime if you need to talk 😊

  3. Cat says :

    Wow, Grainne, what a nightmare. I completely understand your fears. I remember that weird call from your mum and I did suspect it was manipulative in some warped way.

    I mean, dumping you at the station is disgusting and she was a bit late in her explanations about the fears for your safety. Could she not have said that before she ditched you with nothing but the clothes on your back? If she thought he would kill you, why then did she allow him to drive you to the station without any possessions?

    I’m not sure if I already mentioned in a previous comment, but I’ve been doing a lot of research into narcissistic parents and it has been very validating and healing. I wrote a few posts about it lately. Let me tell you, these people are first class narcissists and narcissistic people usually always have a manipulative game plan to hurt their “scapegoat” child. The scapegoat takes the blame for everything, even the family’s own dysfunction. They will ostracise you, demonise you to family, just in case you get too close to relatives, and share your parent’s dirty little secrets.

    The best way for an abuser/narcissist to keep the victim quiet is by fear and manipulation. By what you say, I imagine they live with the fear of you exposing the abuse each miserable day of their lives.

    Sorry this is a long comment. I have one question for you to consider. Bearing in mind every abusers fears being exposed, do you think your mothers story “he may kill you” is all about putting the fear of God in you to keep you quiet for the rest of your life? YES DEFINITELY take all precautions, especially with Colt, but I really don’t know if he would come after you. IF he did, then you can have him arrested and I doubt he would risk that because then the abuse really would come out.

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you Cat! I have been following your posts with great personal interest as the information is hauntingly familiar. The things you wrote above about the scapegoat behavior and manipulation is my family to the letter. After reading your comment I realized that a lot of my present fear is really based in the past, not the here and now. In all reality, he is an old man now and not as spry as he once was. The threat is the point for him….to put that fear into my heart so I cannot function and do everything I can to scramble back into line. My family does everything they can to hide what they really are…it’s always been that way.

      Now that I’m approaching (in…argh) ‘middle-age’ things are coming much more clearly and I’m getting better at sorting out the present from the past. It was a hell of a lot easier when he was dead though…gotta say. I think I’ll do some more reading on the topic of narcissistic relationships to put a new perspective on things. Years of therapy have helped me understand my own reactions and feelings pretty well but the one thing I neglected to do was attempt to understand why it happened in the first place.

      Thanks for your support in this.

  4. KittyHere says :

    You are very strong and smart. Wish the creep could be locked away and prevented from pestering you.

    • Grainne says :

      It’s kind of typical of how things go isn’t it? Back from the dead to mess with my head again. He’ll be gone for good one day. Hopefully I’ll find the courage to face this head-on and then let it go back to the peaceful place I was at when I thought he was rotting in the ground.

  5. Birdie says :

    I rarely wish death on anyone but I wish death on this evil monster. As I said in my comment on your previous post, please call Haven.

  6. The Sound of Ed's Voice says :

    Thank you for baring what is such a difficult story to share. I appreciate you opening up. I am so sorry you go through this.

    On the plus side look at what kind of an amazing person and mom it has made you!! ❤

  7. ambivalencegirl says :

    Love you lots. A really sad story of what can happen to an innocent child. But also a story of survival and strength and courage. I’m glad you’re here and thankful for you as well.

  8. Birdie says :

    Just checking in on you. I hope you got some help with contacting Haven. I think they will help you and if you do want to follow this up with the police they have a fair amount of clout.
    xo

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