Last night I had so many dreams…lol…I suppose I can stop prefacing my dream blogs that way since I dream like that nightly at this point in my life.  Some were work related, some were moving related, some were just the normal, wandering, running and hiding dreams.  Twice in my life now I’ve had dreams about a very strong and unpleasant taste in my mouth and last night, it was particularly gross.  I had dreamed that someone gave me some meat…it looked like jerky and I happen to (used to) love beef jerky.  I had a bite but didn’t like it at all, thought maybe it was just because I wasn’t used to it, took another bite but couldn’t get it down.

“What is this?” I asked the person feeding me.

“Human.”  they answered rather nonchalantly, as if it was one of the most common red meats on the market.

lol….yes, strange, I realize.  Anyway, It was stuck in my teeth and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get it out, that taste.  I gagged constantly, trying not to touch any bits of it with my tongue and I woke up still able to taste that horrible taste, so, so, so glad it was just a dream.

Then I dreamed about being at a fat camp.  It was a facility that had obstacle courses everywhere you had to go so moving around took a lot more effort than just walking.  I was kind of cheating, lifting up ropes and going around obstacles rather than over them when one of the councilors (a group of young, blonde, pig-tailed girls in their early 20’s or so, stunningly beautiful figures that I was so jealous of) came to me and offered to make my journey a little more difficult.  She promised it would take the weight off so much faster so I figured I’d give it a try.  She brought over some weight belts and draped them over my arms so I was suddenly heavier.  I tried doing a jumping jack and felt the weight immediately.  It was much harder to move around that way and I could feel the fat burning off inside me..it was an awesome feeling.

I decided to keep the weights on and go back to my room on the 10th floor and I walked, slowly, to the elevator which arrived the moment I pressed the button.  It was a very small elevator and I was fleetingly claustrophobic but it was so well lit I figured I’d be okay and dismissed my fear.  I climbed aboard and pressed the button for the 10th floor but noticed someone else trying to get to the elevator before it left and I reached out to push the ‘hold’ button.  My arm was so heavy and tired from the added weights that my aim was off and I ended up jamming my hand into several buttons at once.  Instantly, the doors slammed shut and the lights went off leaving me inside a too-small, completely dark space with weights strapped to me so I was less agile and not able to move much.  They suddenly felt like someone had added about 100 pounds.  I started to panic as the elevator went down rather than up and stalled out on the basement level, doors sealed shut.  I lay down and curled into a ball, eyes scrunched shut, telling myself to breathe, breathe, breathe.  I thought for a moment about being inside an MRI machine (last MR I had I almost had a full on panic hit and came within inches of kicking, screaming and fighting my way out but I held on….just).  I tried to wipe my mind clean of fearful things and just kept breathing; in and out.  In and out.  The elevator lurched suddenly and started to rise so I reached up with all my strength (damn weights were so heavy) and found what I thought was the 2nd floor button which I pressed carefully, hoping it work, but when the elevator stopped it opened its doors only a crack and then went back down to the basement.

I could see both sides of the carriage somehow and although I was lying on the floor, I looked down from above and saw an emergency service worker with a grappling gun attached to a metal cable.  As the elevator rose to the second floor again he shot the gun and hooked the cable to a structure inside the elevator shaft.  I felt it catch and the car hang, suspended.  They forced the doors open and pulled me out, a trembling, panicky, terrified mess.  I was so glad to breathe air in a space that was big enough to move in again.

I was given a pair of shoes to wear as they peeled off the layers of weights and they were huge (seriously ugly) platform shoes that were about a foot tall.  I thought it ridiculous that they would ask me to walk in those right after such an exhausting event but I did my best and wobbled alone, two EMT’s supporting me on both sides.  I couldn’t shake the image of being trapped in a box…a microwave is actually what came to mind, folded up and unable to move or breathe.  It reminded me of the dream of finding the fireplace behind the wall and folding myself into that space to feel safe.  The box didn’t feel safe though as I had no room to breathe.  I woke then, shaken, and didn’t manage to fall back to sleep before my alarm went off a few minutes later.



I’m relishing the open air today.  My drive to work was so lovely and green…trees burst into life over the last few days and suddenly there are daffodils and tulips everywhere.  New life.  New day.



About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

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