This is what love should be
He paints the walls and caulks the tub and sands the frames and empties the attic. He does all of this for me, for my piece of mind and for my sanity. She is coming in again on Thursday and then again on the weekend. Dayne spent an hour last night at 1 am with a hair dryer to the walls where we put tape up to keep the joints together and stop the icy wind from blowing in though the winter. There wasn’t much else we could do…there’s no insulation in the stairwell and short of pulling the paneling down and starting over, we were at a loss….so, we taped it up, put a plastic shield to keep the wind outside and left it…now, the glue is a permanent part of the paneling. She loves the ugly, fake paneling for some reason…picked at the holes punched in it by previous tenants and glared at us for ‘destroying’ something so ‘beautiful’. (Yes, really). The tape came off, the glue melted and was scoured away with his patience and gentle hands, picking it clean, her precious ugly paneling. Every mark, every stain, every insult to the original form, Dayne is fixing, piece by piece. He is rebuilding the rental home into a place it never was in the first place and it will make our case for us, if they decide to try to punish us for living in the space and causing it to become lived in. He shouldn’t be spending his time or energy on these things but he does, without a mumble of complaint and he does it entirely for me.
“If I can remove a single line of worry from your face, I will not sleep until we move to do so. I’ll fix everything, clean everything, pack everything, move everything….I would do anything for you.” He tells me as I bury my head in his chest, strong arms around me, lips pressed to the top of my head between words.
From across the room comes Colt and we feel him join the hug, one arm around me, one around Dayne; we release each other and include him in our embrace.
“I love you guys so much.” Says our amazing boy. “You’re the best parents in the world! Thank you for working so hard for us Mom and for fighting for me at school. Thank you for all the yummy food, the hugs, the tickles and for fixing our house so mom isn’t sad anymore.
He hears everything, this child. He never understood….or maybe he just didn’t let us know that he did, but now, he seems to get everything.
We have all been waiting for the panic we expected to overtake Colt as he comes to understand what ‘we’re moving’ means. We have explained it to him a hundred times and the only concern he voices is whether or not he’ll be able to take his toys with him. The school is engaged, talking about the move in casual ways, asking him how he will decorate his new room, asking him to tell them about the move and how it’s going. I ask every few days how he feels about moving and he tells me he’s excited. I presented it t him as a new adventure for our family and he’s stuck with that perception…excited for a change, for something new. You know what melts my heart though? The new place has a huge garage with room for all of Dayne’s tools (so many tools….I swear, the man must have three of everything). The part of moving that brings the happiest smiles out in Colt is that his dad is going to have a garage…a place where he can build things and fix things…a place where he can show Colt how to do the same. It’s heated so will be usable year-round and Colt’s eyes glint with joy when he tells me how he wants to make me a little table for my plants or a bookcase for me for Christmas.
“Mom! There is a really awesome bathtub in the new house!” he tells me, so happy. He knows how much I love to have a hot bath in the winter…soak away my days with a glass of wine and bubbles all around me. It’s a really nice triangle shaped jacuzzi tub too…lol. That’s a luxury I’ve never had before in my life and I’m looking forward to it….so, he’s looking forward to it too.
We will have to collect our mail at the post office around the corner because it’s a rural area so Colt has decided that he and I will take a daily walk to the post office and then along to the store in the summer to get ice cream as our treat. He talks about wanting to ride his bike around the bmx park a few blocks away (he’s never, ever expressed interest in riding a bike before now. We’ve tried to force him a few times but he doesn’t enjoy it so we stopped). He wants a scooter so he and his friend at the sitters can ride them together this summer. He want to go have a picnic with me at the park when we have a week off together. He wants to engage in life.
He wants to engage in life! I’ve been frozen, afraid that if I move I will tip the scales and things will fall apart again, but you know what? Things have fallen apart for a day or so and then, with the support and love from my boys, I right myself again. When they stumble, I return the favour and we are so, so very strong when we stand together.
Going back to this, re-connecting with these wonderful souls…this was the best choice I’ve ever made. I feel as though I’ve finally managed to leave the past behind. This is what love should be.