Meds and dreams and generally torturing myself

Ugh.  So I was sitting here at work simultaneously overheating and freezing (sweat lining my skin but I’m totally frozen to the touch) and being generally uncomfortable and I started wondering what the heck was going on when….suddenly…ohhh.  You see, I didn’t take my narcotic pain killer today or yesterday.  I’m not able to concentrate at work with all the craziness in my head and I was desperate to get some clarity so I took out the one that would bring a bit more pain back so I could focus on that instead.  It is such a driving, ceaseless pain that it forces my attention to the present.  When I spent too much time not focusing on the present, I slide back into the past with frightening speed.  So frustrating.

I texted Dayne to blow off a bit of steam and he called me right away, which was amazing.  He told me to be careful; said that he thought what I was doing was self-sabotaging because I can’t get control of the work situation.  He told me it’s my personal version of self-harming…that I do something to hurt myself when I can’t find a way out of a place in my head.  Perceptive huh?  He’s always understood those things so much better than I have.  So, I listed my reasons for doing so, as I am prone to do, and they included some very sound ones but, although he agreed with the points presented, he also gently swayed me back to centre by reminding me what it does to my body when I force it into withdrawal without warning.  He suggested dropping the dose (I already only take one third of the prescribed dose) but that sounded not so smart; if I do not find much efficacy from the small dose I already take, a smaller dose is not going to do much as I’ll still be putting the poison into my body for no great gain.  (Taking the full dose each day does help with the pain but it makes me stupid, sedated and completely unable to function).  More or less I’m in a place where I want to feel better but I’m so sick of these meds slowly eating me from the inside out.  (sigh)  Maybe he’s right though.  Maybe I’m just doing it to make everything harder for myself so I feel the way I (think I) deserve to feel?

Whatever.  I’m taking one when I get home tonight.  I think.  Dayne called it my personal version of ‘cutting’.  I don’t need any more to struggle with, even if my brain thinks I should.

Dreams last night were tiresome and repetitive.  The most recent memory/the last dream before waking, had me traveling to Mexico again.  I used to dream of this place often…I actually think it had to do with Mike, as it stopped happening constantly when he left my life, but it still pops up here and there.  When I travel there, I remember all the previous dreams and all the places I’ve been and experiences I’ve had, so I know the way around fairly well.  I checked in (or maybe just went up the stairs) and went to my room.  My stuff was all there….my phone, a computer, random clothing and bathroom stuff and the bed was unmade.  I was exhausted and even though I knew that I was only there for a short while (I had a clear sense that I was only there for the moment and would have to fly home shortly after my arrival).  I was going to go for a swim in the ocean but I couldn’t bring myself to get up once I lay down.  I fell asleep and woke with a start at 315 in the afternoon in a panic, thinking I had missed my plane.

‘What time do I usually fly home from here?’ I asked myself and tried hard to remember.  I knew it was late afternoon most times and I thought I was done for and would never reach the airport on time.  When in Mexico, the greatest reoccurring theme is that I cannot find my ticket/passport/papers needed to exit the country and I’m forever chasing behind a group or Dayne, trying to figure out where I need to go to pick things up.  I had no idea when the flight was but I knew how to get to the airport so I packed up as fast as I could and embarked on a walk that felt like years.  I eventually found a tour bus loaded with people and I asked the guide to help me, which she did.  Just before then, however, I was madly texting Dayne on my phone, asking about the flight information.  I woke up when he answered me in real life….

“Grainne?  Grainne….babe?  I can’t help you because I can’t understand what you’re asking me to do.”

(I was talking in my sleep – as per norm).

“I need you to help me find my way home!” I both said and heard myself say at once.

I woke up then, startled but relieved.  He was lying on his couch beside me and his head was cocked to see me; worried blue eyes catching the light from his ipad that he checked the time on.

“What are you doing to yourself babe?”  he asked in a sad, sleepy voice.

Just dreaming.  Back to sleep, love, back to sleep.

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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

7 responses to “Meds and dreams and generally torturing myself”

  1. Birdie says :

    I have no idea how you live with pain 24/7. I had a headache for 4 days in a row and finally had to take ibuprofen, which I should not be taking at all. I hope this comment finds you in a better place.

  2. rootstoblossom says :

    I wish I could take away your pain. There has to be a better way, something that eases pain, but allows you to function. Some doctor somewhere is researching this and will help so many. Until then, until that mythical wish comes true, you have to battle daily. I’m not sure decreasing pain meds with the desire for clarity is self-harm, sounds to me like you’re trying to find a balance that works for you. Choosing between pain or brain fog is a terrible place to be. I pray you find relief and answers soon. xx

    • Grainne says :

      Oh, my friend, I would do the same for you if only I could. Again, we are on a similar page in life and I think I hate your suffering more then my own. Xx. Thanks for being here. I haven’t stopped hoping for a break in your pain since you posted about your newest battle either.

  3. Cat says :

    Hi Grainne… Thanks for dropping by my blog earlier. I don’t know why I haven’t been receiving email notifications of your posts. I don’t often comment, but I do read because we have quite a bit in common with pain and dreams.

    It’s interesting what Dayne said about self-sabotage by not taking the painkillers. I do something similar. It’s a form of self-destruction and I’ve always likened it to cutting.

    My Neurologist insists that I use a regular daily dose of meds, otherwise we do not get the full benefits. I take half a dose in the daytime and the others at night. Do you suffer nerve pain? Have you tried Lyrica/Pregablin?

    Your dreams sound amazing. I read the one you wrote the other day of the 7 people. I’m not sure if they can be described as ‘imaginary friends’, but they certainly are dream-friends. Your trip to Mexico (dreamland) sounds amazing. I used to dream of the same seaside village but I’ve never visited in real life. There was only one problem. Whenever I would go to my car, it was always in “the pound” for illegal parking and I would need to get to the there before closing time otherwise I could not find my way home.

    It’s interesting you said the exact same words in your sleep. I was listening to a dream expert recently, he said that there are no such things as bad dreams, as they are all messages from our unconscious. In my case, my dreams were suggesting I felt lost and needed to find a way back to my old self. Sorry, this comment is too long, but I just wanted to share kinship

    • Grainne says :

      Thank you so much for this Cat! I’m interested in that seaside village dream of yours…sounds so similar in feel and theme. :). It’s a rare thing to have someone be able to relate to most of my dreaming habits.

      I do get nerve pain. Now and then. Sometimes sciatica, sometimes in my arms. They think it’s just the way my wonky spine is sitting at random times. I found lyrica effective but the nerve pain itself isn’t constant enough to benefit by taking it daily and my doc won’t let me use it as needed. Mind you, it’s not meant as an spot treatment med anyway.

      I loved hearing from you like this….long comments are always welcome from you! (Needed it today. Xo)

      • Cat says :

        Dreams are amazing, but I’m not so keen in the generalised interpretations, although, I do think we can come to quite accurate meaning ourselves.

        Yes, Lyrica needs to be taken over a period of about 3-4 weeks before we can feel the benefit. It put an end to the majority of sciatic flare ups for me.

        I’m glad I contributed a little to your blog, if it helps. Sometimes we need that little bit more TLC

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