Someone other than me
Did you notice that you did not find me? I’m not sure you did. I think you drew a picture of what you thought I should be in your mind, and then tried to jam me into the shape without care or concern as to what you were squeezing out of me in the process. Do you know how sad it made me to know that what I am is nothing even close to what you wanted? That you kept telling me you cared meant so damn much to me, I was willing to contort my body and twist my soul to try, endlessly, to fit your ideal. Stupid, really. It was far too small and entirely the wrong shape. You accused me of lying when I tried to correct what was wrong in perception….you really believed yourself too, no matter what I said in self-defense or desperation. How sad it really all was, in the end. (That paragraph was written for one person in particular but could apply to many in my past. Mike, my father, my mother, and a sizable handful of friends included).
I woke up from dreams last night with such an ache in my chest my heart felt like it would pound right through my ribs. I feel like I haven’t been touched in years. Dayne could see it in me this morning as we shuffled past each other in and out of the shower. He stopped me and stared into my sleepy eyes, concern creasing his brow.
“What is it babe?” he asked, so gently.
“Just stressed. Tired. Headache….life. You know.”
He gave me a sad little smile and pulled me in for a hug. I could have fallen back to sleep standing up, in his arms. He kissed me with those soft lips of his (Dayne has the best lips I’ve ever seen on a guy. Big, warm, soft and dry…..ahhh perfection) and when I went to pull back he stepped forward, prolonging the moment. We stood like that, one breathing in while the other breathed out and shared our space for a moment, forgetting all the rest. Such love. So lucky.
So yeah. This is the start to my day. Physically, things are looking up. I am in a shit-ton of pain today but am nearly completely able to allow it to exist with me. It’s sitting there beside me, reading as I type over my shoulder and I’m not fighting it….just letting it be. It feels so much less aggressive and disabling this way. My head is not too bad so it makes everything easier to do this with as well. My chin and jaw are still numb and I’m dribbling tea out of the corner of my mouth now and then but I’m so grateful for the numbness (rather than a new and more enduring pain) that I’m barely acknowledging it.
I do need a hug though. A nice, long, warm one please, just to feel another human being that close to me. I got a decent one out of Colt this morning but he’d had an accident in bed so we couldn’t really snuggle up without me needing to change all my clothes. I’ll just hang onto that memory of Dayne’s kiss today and hope it keeps me grounded until I get back home.
*Grainne’s brain curls up under a blanket and goes back to sleep for the day while the body works*