Dreams of others who protect what I cannot
In dreams last night I was trying to find a safe place to hide. Somewhere small and well concealed so I could *just* pull my arms and legs in after my body and be completely hidden, albeit squashed into some tiny spot. I found an air vent that was loose in an abandoned building and pried it off with my fingers then began the awkward contortions required to squeeze myself into the too-small ventilation system opening. Once I got in though…wow did I ever feel better. Safe. Another spot I found was an old fireplace that had been walled over years before. It was made entirely out of stone and each was a different shape with totally uneven sides. The mortar was simply mud and I poked at it and wondered how it had lasted so long as it instantly turned to dust at my touch. I had found the spot because there was a very subtle outline on the drywall that caught my eye. I picked a tiny hole out of the wall behind a hanging picture and peeked in, then tore at the wall in huge chunks to get to my discovery. I had to pull myself up and over the drywall to get through the hole I made and I folded my body in half, lying on my bent legs in a yoga “child’s pose”, face-down in the ancient soot that lay at the bottom of the fireplace. It was filling my lungs each time I took a breath but I didn’t care. The chimney was not closed off so there was a tiny spark of light coming from above me, too slight to light anything up but bright enough to see through my closed eyelids. It was comforting but not exposing, so I was very happy. I knew I could sleep there, in that fireplace behind the wall, for years and years and it felt so much like home I couldn’t even convince myself to turn my head away from the soot. I was peaceful inside for the first time in the longest time…inside dreams or out.
Another dream involved my crowd of seven who follow me in and out of dream situations and have done so all my life. They rarely talk to me, never, ever speak my name and their faces aren’t really identifiable at all, I just know them from the way they feel. They were standing around me in dreams, almost as if protecting me by forming a human shield around my body. They all had their backs to me except for the one male who always faces me….he wrapped his arms around me and let me hide my face in his chest. We were in a house I’ve not seen before in my dreams but it was very bland and empty feeling. My protector kissed the top of my head and whispered for me to look at something. I peeked around his shoulder just in time to see my girl in the woods vanish around a corner down the hallway. I asked what she was doing here (this is not one of the places I ever see her and I’m almost always alone when I do so it was very out of place feeling) but no one answered me, as usual. Rather than chase her this time, feeling so exposed and in danger, I just cuddled back into the safety of my friend’s arms and closed my eyes again. The group pressed in tighter, their backs still to me like a ring of animals protecting their young from being eaten by a predator and I felt okay again. The pressure from them built until I was struggling to breathe, their combined embrace was so tight, and I let of control….gave it all over to them for the moment. It felt like sheer joy…freedom…safety and protection and love. Self love….somehow. That’s a pretty unusual feeling for me in dreams and I relished it; woke up aching for it, several times in the night.
I wish I could pull those people out of my head and actually surround myself with them today. I don’t know what that means, exactly, only how it feels, and it feels like what I’ve been missing all along. Weird eh? I was just happy the dreams were safe ones so didn’t give it much thought until now, when I felt that same ache and wondered where it came from. I hope this all makes sense on day…lol..not banking on it though. *sigh*
So, it’s Thursday. Two more days until I get to go back to sleep and reunite with my strange crew of friends who only exist in my brain. Does that qualify as imaginary friends?
Oh….I did finally get my sleep study appointment. It’s for December 4th. Apparently everyone and their brother are needing assessments these days creating a ridiculous wait list. Maybe I’ll see if my benefits will help pay for studies in the States. I know I could get them done in less than nine months, at least. Worst part is that this is just the consult….no studies will be done then so I’m not really going to get anywhere until 2016. Ahhh Canadian health care. You can be such a bitch sometimes….
Okay, that’s it for me today. Take care my friends. Talk to you all soon. x