Life and stuff
I worked my little tail off yesterday and plowed through a ton of work which made both bosses happier, at least for now. I also got the equipment out of my office and can drink tea in my office again. It’s Wednesday. All things I’m grateful for today.
I dreamed about my boss all night. lol…gawd, I can’t quite articulate how much I hate that. I dreamed that she was driving around through the bad neighborhood in my dreams (I have an apartment there but it’s in such a bad area, people rob it daily and I never feel safe). I kept telling her not to drive through there but she kept shushing me and pulled into the back alley between two buildings to stop at a gas pump I didn’t know was there. She opened the doors to clean out the garbage in her car and two guys who were fist fighting two feet away from us instantly reached into the car to drag us into their fight. I got hauled out by the hair and I was yelling at the boss, telling her that I had told her this would happen. I was beat up and scared and managed to get away and back to my apartment somehow. Drew, a real life friend, not a dream one, was with me and we lay down together on a mattress on the floor. I shoved my hands and feet under his side to ground myself and feel safe and he threw an arm over me before drifting off. I felt safe and it was really nice. I was thinking about how I had to get up for work in a few hours and how little sleep I was going to get before I drifted off too. It’s a constant and recurring theme in my dreams that I am missing sleep, even though I’m actually sleeping in reality. I’ll lie there, wide awake in a dream, frustrated because I know I’m going to be so tired the next day at work. Sometimes there are people with me (my group of seven who pop in and out of my dreams at random) and they fall asleep with no trouble while I lie there, awake. I think my brain knows I’m sleeping so the frustration comes not from being kept awake, but from not being able to resolve the inconsistency between feeling like I should be sleeping in dreams and actually sleeping in reality.
I had a dream about Mike too. He was working a retail job in one of my dream malls, all dressed up in drag. It was some kind of accessory shop that sold purses and scarves, very feminine and pretty. He was having a hoot, chatting up all the ladies who came into the store to browse and he looked so much more alive than he ever did in real life. If we were talking, I’d suggest it to him. I’m sure he’d think the job is too far beneath him (he’s a really intelligent guy – it’s just emotional intelligence he’s completely lacking in). Still though, I remember having so much fun working retail. It pays shit, but the hours are awesome and you can work a ton or just a few, as your needs and availability change. He’d be able to meet and interact with people and then go home and back to his computer games. A tiny store somewhere wouldn’t be too busy so he’d not get overwhelmed with people….he’s got some job fantasy stuck in his head though and seems to think someone out there will just snap him up because he’s good at what he does. What Mike doesn’t realize is that you need a college degree just to work most entry level jobs these days. Even the secretaries here have a two year degree and there’s not too much to learn about their job. They answer phones, book patients, answer phones, book patients, some of them bill for services, few do dictation….but you have to have post-high school education to even apply. Anyway. I’ve only peeked at his blog a few times in the last while…ever since I realized that he wasn’t even remotely interested in me as I was. He had some bizarre fantasy written up to supersede my actual personality and our frustration was in trying to force his version of me to actually fit who I am. I am honest and loving, loyal and affectionate. He overwrote those traits of mine to be deceitful, manipulative, disrespectful and malicious. He tried to convince me that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and didn’t care about what the psychiatrists and mental health professionals said. So pompous to think he knew me better than anyone. I never, once, poked fun at his delusions or tried to tell him that everything he knew of himself was wrong. He didn’t give me the same though, and it hurt like hell. I am such a gentle soul…maybe he just could never come to terms with the fact that someone like me could love someone like him. (He will NEVER admit that in a billion years but for whatever reason, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Yay me!)
Onto happy thoughts. This morning as I crawled into Colt’s bed to wake him I had to smile at how he was sleeping. He has a sleeping bag in his bed for the winter (also has a waterproof lining so is easy to throw in the wash when he wets the bed. It absorbs it all too so doesn’t soak the mattress). He had been tossing and turning last night and had peeled all the blankets off his mattress, including the fitted sheet at the bottom. Sleeping on a bare mattress, he rolled himself up in the sleeping bag and looked like a little hot dog with only a tuft of his hair sticking out the top.
“Good morning my little hot dog on a bun” I whispered and I gathered the whole bag with him in it into my arms.
He smiled sleepily and snuggled into me mumbling that he was not a hot dog, he was a Colt. I cuddled him and told him how much I love him and after a few minutes I said I had to go or I was going to be late for work. He wiggled his arm free of the sleeping bag and grabbed my hand as I was unwinding myself from him and said:
“Uh excuse me mom, I was using that….” and pulled my arm back around him.
So, yeah. I was a few minutes late for work. I can’t think of a better reason to be late though. That little moment between us meant so much to me. Colt has only ever tolerated my hugs…never really wanted them. It’s been going on for a while now and the thrill hasn’t died down in the least. I waited a good decade for this….for my son to love me back and wow, does it ever make life worth living? My sweet little raison d’etre.