Mother stuff and crappy bosses
Droning along, droning along. That’s what it feels like these days, more or less. I’m not unhappy at all, just…tired. I feel like I have to police my energy spending so I can be sure to manage a work week. Not only is this job ridiculously busy, I also have passive-aggressive and outright aggressive leaders to contend with and that just sends my head for a spin. I cannot deal with people who dislike me and then nitpick me to pieces…it feels like they’re looking for things to be disappointed in, and the outcome of that is just exhausting. Yesterday, I was told I’m breaking the ‘food and drink’ policy by drinking tea in my office while I work (I don’t ever leave my effing office) because I had some broken patient equipment in here that was waiting for repair. Seriously. I tried to move the equipment but, of course, there is no space to do so. Every inch of space is at a premium around here, even though there are huge empty rooms that no one is using. *sigh* Whatever. Just need to find a better balance here somehow. Will have to keep working on that one.
I had a dream last night about my mother. It’s not a surprise at all since the bitchy/bully boss of mine triggers every issue I face inside my head, but was still super annoying. I woke with the (real, not dream) memory of a conversation we once had ringing in my head. I was about 20 at the time and was chatting with her on the phone (we used to talk on the phone for hours at a time. Daily at some points after we reconnected. I had found myself a place in the world and was no longer homeless so she was better able to look at me without feeling guilty. She hated guilt more than anything.) I was talking about having children one day and what it would be like (amazing how different things turned out from what I had expected them to be like) and she interrupted me by saying:
“Oh god Grainne! Please don’t ever have kids! I can just see it now; you would be calling me every other minute panicking about everything that happened! Mom! The baby coughed! What do I do? ha ha ha ha!”
She thought it was a pretty funny idea. I was so offended and hurt I didn’t say anything at all, just closed my mouth, changed the subject and never spoke of it again. Flash forward to me actually becoming a mother and wow, did the tables ever turn. My mother left me and my newborn son to cry and scream and worry all by ourselves. She ‘couldn’t deal with the constant crying’ that Colt produced or the fussy eating issues. She told me over and over again that she ‘didn’t know how I managed’ to cope with it all. She told me that she would never have had another kid had her biological son had been her first, as he had colic for his first three months and that alone was more than she could take.
She left me to my own devices as I screamed for help in the basement of her house; turning up the TV and running the dishwasher to cover up the noise. One time I made it to the top of the stairs while he was chasing me and he grabbed my foot causing me to slam into the stairs face-first. She was in the kitchen and could see me entirely, saw my lips split open on impact, and she just glazed over and turned away, looking for something in the fridge. He dragged me back downstairs and my head thumped on each step as I went. She never came down to see if I was okay. Well, that’s not entirely true. That night, as I recall, he got stupid drunk and raped me anally. Something about it made him feel guilty for a second so he went to her, bawling, saying over and over “I don’t know what I’ve done hen. I don’t know what I’ve done…” She thought he had killed me. To her credit, she did yell down the stairs to see if I was still alive, although she didn’t actually come see me. She didn’t want to know what he had ‘done’ once she knew I was still alive. I guess. She left me to him because it took the heat off of her. How…cowardly. My therapist once said that….she told me she usually didn’t cast judgement on people she had never met, even the abusers her patients had dealt with in life, but she wanted me to know her thoughts on my mother. “That woman is a coward!” she said. I still smile when I think of it. She’s such a great woman, my therapist. I still see her now and then, just to check in really. Her rates are so high it’s hard to maintain a constant schedule but she’s happy to see me once a month or so…even longer between. She even offered just to see me in crisis moments, which is pretty amazing. I’m lucky I found her. I actually miss her quite a bit, reading so many of your stories with your awesome (mostly) therapists. Especially my lovely friend Bourbon and her therapist. Warms my heart, reading of their work together. Anyway…. Enough of my mother. She’s taken up enough space in my head for one day.
The boss saga continues. One is over-the-moon happy with me and the other is seething. These two are like having twins who have competition issues; well, very different twins. lol. One is so reasonable but is an absolute stickler for process and procedure where the other is fly-off-the-handle crazy over everything. I was almost in tears yesterday and was all the way there on Friday….all over nothing that makes a difference in the least. I invite this sort of bullying behaviour by the way I react. I’m not absolutely sure what it is…maybe my constant need to have people happy with me. Maybe it’s just the threat of failure that sinks me into an instant pit of panic and despair. I need to better manage this. I need not to let them eat at my confidence or happiness. Dayne’s way is to be pretty harsh with them and I don’t like the way that feels so I’ll modify it to suit my own needs. I’ve struggled with this as long as I’ve been alive though. I remember flat-out hysterically crying every time things didn’t go exactly to plan when my parents were involved. A dentist appointment is in my mind right now…they were doing some work and my dad took me for some reason (my mother always took me to those clinics). I went in, all brave even though tears were streaking my face, and after the dentist looked at me he decided they couldn’t do the work without putting me out. We had to go right back to the waiting room where my father sat and when he said “Och that was fast! Are we all done?” I started sobbing. Things hadn’t happened the way they were supposed to and I as SO afraid of disappointing him.
Damnit. I’ve just replaced my parents with my boss. It happened in the last job too…and the one before. When I didn’t have a bully in my life I took Mike in who caused so much intense pain through the fear of failure. I failed at everything I tried to do for him and he never, ever let me forget it, even for a second. Dayne can be a bully, although not so much with me anymore. He’s softened and grown so much in the last decade and has become a soft place to land, not one filled with jagged edges and bottomless pits.
Did I mention that my entire chin is numb? I thought I was about to have an abscess in a tooth I, for some reason, refuse to get pulled. My dad broke it with his ring when I was a kid…grabbing me in a weird way. It’s nearly eroded to nothing and I think the nerves are suddenly dying…or exposed…I don’t really know. There is almost no pain, no swelling and no redness so there’s no infection but this numbness isn’t much fun. I dribble tea out of the corner of my mouth now. (lol! Omg just the thing I needed eh?)
Ah well. Okay, back to the craziness here for a while. Must get payroll started as it’s due in a few days. Take care, my friends. xo