Well. That didn’t go so well. Yesterday I was trying to write a happy post. I was feeling pretty good about life and thought I was starting to break through psycho boss’s issues but, apparently, I wasn’t even close. I had my weekly meeting with the other, non-asshole boss, and in the middle of it the phone rang; It was psycho. I waved it off and continued addressing the one I was in the meeting with but she stopped me and said that she would recommend I take the call. She could see the caller ID…knew who it was. We talked, some, about my performance recently and I asked her how things were going from her perspective. She said her only compliant at this time was that sometimes I get too rushed and miss little details here and there (she cited a missing period on a business card proof I had created for her). Other than that, things seemed to be going fine. That was a relief, although I knew she was happy with everything just from the way she was acting. But then we started to discuss my time and how things are being prioritized. I was told that, even though the staffing has increased and the workload along with it, there isn’t enough of an increase to justify me not getting stuff done. The gal I replaced was perfectly able to do everything in her 37.5 hours a week, I was told.
First. She was in every weekend, stayed late almost every night and was never caught up. Ever. I stated this fact along with letting her know how often I was doing the same, just trying to keep afloat.
arg. It doesn’t matter. Point is, psycho is unhappy with me for not getting everything done for her exactly the way she wants it done, even though she doesn’t tell me what she wants half the time. This is a HUGE trigger for me and it sends me into spirals of self-loathing, self-deprecation and guilt that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not fast enough. Not enough, period. At times like these it feels like I’m never good enough for anything or anyone…not at work, not at home, not as a friend, not as a partner, not as a lover (wait, I think I’m alright there) and not as a mom. Colt is the salve that cools these burns on my soul. I feel so lucky that he loves me as he does. SO lucky that he can show any emotion at all through the autism. (On that note, I’m panicked about the school who has lost all of Colt’s records and needs me to get more documents from the psychiatrist at the institute where he is followed and treated. I’ve lost his birth certificate which I need to get his health card renewed, which I need to get the doc to do the paperwork, which the school needs. If I don’t do it fast we will miss the application cut off for the ASD program they are desperate to place him in. They keep leaving me cryptic messages about how little support he will have next year; how the class will be a 6/7 split which is not good for Colt; that the teacher he has conflicts with will likely be the teacher of his class…. I can’t take the fucking pressure of it all right now.)
I feel fat, old, unattractive, worthless, unloved for the most part….. I am still so prone to this, even though I’m doing so well over all.
It’s only 1250 and I’m dropping off, in and out of light sleep. I think it’s a reaction to the panic right now though…sleep is my escape as much as anything else. I would so rather be there right now. Maybe I’ll see if Dayne can pick Colt up and I’ll split for the afternoon. Go home and sleep until tomorrow.