Okay!  So I went to lie down last night and found that my arm/neck was not going to be okay with that, so, I tossed and turned, propped myself up, tried the floor (too cold!), tried the floor in front of the fireplace (still too cold….it dropped to -30 here last night), tried the armchair, tried sitting, kneeling, flopped over and, eventually, I just took a couple of ativan and forced myself out for two hours, then got up to go to work.  *yawn*  This is going to be a day.  As I was struggling to find a spot that was not too painful to sleep through, I was slipping in and out of REM sleep like crazy.  It got to the point that I was hearing conversations while awake, only they were part of dreams.  I was talking aloud to people who I was actually dreaming of talking to, trying to get up from my varied contorted positions to get back to what I was dreaming of doing… the time my alarm went off I was very confused and was having a hard time figuring out which was reality.  I forced myself awake, not wanting to be late for work, by sitting on the cold bathroom floor on my bare bottom, hoping the chill would snap me out of it but the harder I tried, the harder it was.  I found myself swirling with dizziness and disorientation only to force my eyes open again to find myself on the couch.  I’d close my eyes, shake my head (ouch, remember my freaking arm!) then open them again to find an entirely different location before me.  I was in tears by the time Dayne woke and asked me what the hell I was doing. He touched my arm and that got me grounded and I snapped awake for real.  That kind of disorientation hasn’t happened since I was in my 20’s.

I was dreaming of a friend of mine, Drew.  He had come with me on a trip somewhere and we were figuring out the sleeping arrangements.  Then I was headed to work but lost my way and tried to call him, only to find out that he was still on vacation so I freaked out and hurried back there, hoping he hadn’t noticed I was gone.  He had, but he told me he loved me anyway.  I woke with those words in my ears….was kind of nice.  I really care for him in dreams and real life both.

I feel all dreamy and unfocused today.  I’ve been working so hard these last two weeks and the stress has just been incredible.  Last night, the only night Dayne and I have seen each other in two weeks, we argued and freaked out about a ridiculous bill from our cell provider.  We have to wait until the 13th to find out how bad it is but we just started a new plan and they’ve screwed us somehow.  Can hardly wait for that one to come in.

I’m finding myself quite in need of a hug right about now.  I missed my morning Colt snuggle because he had an accident and the bed was all soggy.  He said “just hug my head mom” (lol) so I did.  I’m feeling alone.  Lonely.  I find myself daydreaming about the warmth of another body.  I hope Dayne is more receptive this weekend.  :S

Hugs to all of you, my wonderful blog-friends.  If I could squeeze you all today from here, I would.


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About Grainne

My name is Grainne. This blog has been with me for years now and has served as a journal, a confessional, an outlet and a place for me to create and express my love of life. Thank you for stopping by and for becoming a part of this life long journey of mine. I appreciate every single one of you who takes the time to do so. :)

2 responses to “Confusion”

  1. KittyHere says :

    At least it is Friday.

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