Morning pain and the snuggles that make it worth it
Holy smokes was I ever tired by the end of the day yesterday. I got out on time though, got the boy from the sitter, made dinner (a real-ish dinner that required actual-ish cooking!) and then propped my eyelids open so I didn’t leave Colt to fend for himself again. And, by ‘fend for himself’ I really mean sneak off to his room to watch Youtube videos that are far too mature for his age and reasoning skills. There’s nothing that makes me feel like a worse mom than when I wake after an hours slumber to hear:
“Holy fuck you stupid piece of shit fucking video fucking game! GRaaaaaaaaaaaaH! OHMYGOD OHMYGOD THAT JUST SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF MEeeeeee!”
Colt is absolutely fascinated with these kids (ahem, adults) who play video games on line although I can’t see why. All they seem to do is scream and swear. If you don’t know of this phenomenon Google search ‘pewdiepie”. Honestly, it kind of scares me that people can make a living this way…but I guess I’m not ten years old so not likely to get it.
Anyway. I ended up just standing in front of the fireplace after dinner, afraid to lie down, and nodded and bobbed my head while Colt played with the Wii and his transformers in the living room. I cracked and texted Dayne a few times, pleading for an estimated arrival time, as he was working late again. He hates to do this because no matter how hard he tries to be accurate, he’s always wrong and arrives much later than intended which doesn’t sit well with the person he’s promised an arrival time to…aka..me. lol By 8, Colt was exhausted anyway so I got him in the shower, dried him off (because he was missing his dad and needed a lil extra pampering and love) and tucked him into bed with his snack of fresh strawberries and milk. Dayne showed up about 20 minutes later, much to Colt’s surprise and joy, and by the time he came back downstairs I was out for the night. I don’t even think I was lying down before I was asleep…my body just followed the plan and carried me there.
I woke up a few hours later with a screaming pain in my arm/back/shoulder/neck region and spent the rest of the night flipping and flopping around, trying to get back to sleep around it. I feel like a nerve is being squashed in my neck as a very sharp pain shoots down the right side of my body when I even think about turning my head to the right. Huh. Maybe it’s a heart attack. I wonder if they’d let me go home if it was…..likely not. They’d just wheel the equipment into my office and prop me up so I could get payroll in. (haha…hmm. I’m not sure that’s so funny). It’s getting worse as the day goes on. It’s my right arm, of course. Thankfully, my office has been ergonomically set up so there’s not a lot of strain being put on my body. I have a physio appointment this morning so I’ll ask my therapist about how to fix this. It wasn’t my exercise that did this so maybe there’s an easy out for once.
Now for some happy. Since Dayne and I changed our schedules for him to drop Colt off in the morning and me to pick him up at night (actually, I was doing both before) our entire morning routine is different. We get up at the same time and I jump in the shower while he starts my car for me and gets Colt’s lunch ready. When I get out I get ready and wake Colt up by creeping into his bed and snuggling him awake. It has nothing to do with him, really, I just love cuddling him more than anything in the entire world lol. He tolerates it because he knows how much I love it and it does put him in a slightly better mood. The other day, Colt asked me why things had changed.
“You know mom, I love it when you cuddle me in the mornings but I wonder why dad doesn’t do it anymore?”
The swell of sadness on his little face just about broke my heart in two. I explained why things were different and asked him if he’d like me to send his dad up to wake him with a hug the next morning.
“No, it’s okay mom. I love your hugs too.” Was his reply.
This morning, Dayne and I were both out of the shower when it came time to wake our boy and I relayed the story to him (the look of sadness on HIS face was equally heartbreaking) so, we woke him up together today, Dayne snuggled into his back, me flopped across them both, squeezing Colt in the middle. He didn’t even open his eyes but the smile on his face….pure magic.
“You guys are so important to me. Thank you for the double-hug!” he mumbled, still smiling.
We tried to get up but he refused to let go so we laid there for another five minutes or so, soaking it in. No matter how stressful or uncomfortable life gets I will always be able to close my eyes and remember that feeling of love and connection. Even as I cringe in pain from my stupid arm/neck, I’m smiling and remembering my boys, all of us tangled together and warm, all of us soaking in the love.
Aaaaand peace. Thank you for this, Dayne and Colt. You guys are very best reason to be that I’ve ever known.